My Turn for an IL Vent

[Corie]

Believe me, I don’t go by choice. My DH keeps hoping his parents will get them a gift.

I would tell your husband to go by himself.

[marinkitty]

I am truly astonished by this.

Your ILs give all the other grandchildren something right in front of your children and give nothing to your kids? Or are the other kids not in attendance?

Has anyone ever asked them why? I am just flabbergasted by this. I cannot imagine a scenario where a bunch of adults (you, your DH, DH's siblings and their spouses) sit and watch this go on every year and no one says anything. Good for your six-year old for asking the painfully obvious question.

I don't care if it would start WWIII, I wouldn't let that one pass even if my DH would. I'm so sorry for all of you that DH's parents are such awful humans, but I would certainly not hesitate to call them out on this and then refuse to darken their doorstep again if they didn't correct their behavior. And I'd spend my money on my kids and not on them. Or maybe on a basic book on kindness, since they don't seem to understand what that is.

[HannaAddict]

Believe me, I don’t go by choice. My DH keeps hoping his parents will get them a gift. Usually one of his sisters does get them a gift, so they have something to open. Then they are too busy opening/playing with that to notice. But since she was sick this year and not in attendance, there was nothing to distract them. I’m hoping to use this as leverage for next year. At the very least I will bring a small gift for each of them to open if need be.

My parents will be coming to visit next week, so they will get lots of love and attention from grandparents who actually care about them!

You need to do more than that and ask why they do it and tell them it isn’t okay, or not go. It is awful and something when they are older that will not be healthy for them to experience. Stand up for them. Your husband is who needs to tell them it is unacceptable. It would be a deal breaker for me, as in we are united against this or marriage counseling. I’m sorry you are dealing with it but you can stand up for yourself and your children.


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[rlu]

This is bitching post and I think that is truly awful.

If you want advice too, they aren't that far to go. I'd swing by, give them their card, say hi and Merry Christmas to everyone and bail. There's no reason to stay for (no) presents. Drive around and see Christmas lights or have a specific place to go.

We have lots of cousins that are splitting their days - they may make it to the dinner or just the dessert after. Totally acceptable (and I think our extended family is pretty fun so it's not like they're trying to duck us).

Or you could bring your kids a gift - we have "santa gifts" that are either jokes or not, depending on the recipients age.

[MMMommy]

I agree with PPs that say they need to be called out on this poor behavior. I think DH should be flat out asking his own parents why they gift the other grandchildren and not yours. Has DH never brought this up to his parents? Have the other siblings of DH never noticed or mentioned this discrepancy either? I think it’s about time someone confronted them about this hurtful omission. And for them to ask for some possible missing card that had money is ridiculous. My response to that is “where are the missing gifts for my DCs all these years?”

[PZMommy]

There are 50 plus people (DH is one of 12 kids), so it is chaotic and everyone is busy with their family, so I don’t think people really notice who gets gifts and who doesn’t. Some siblings only buy for certain siblings they are closer to, or other siblings get a small family gift for each family, some don’t buy gifts for anyone, etc and it can really vary from year to year. Like I said in previous years the boys got a gift from his sister, so they were fine and didn’t notice. DH and I have had a long talk about it because I was really upset by it, moreso than he was. I’m hoping we can afford to fly home and spend the holidays with my family next year, but if not, we will do something just the four of us instead.

I could spend hours telling stories about how ridiculous my in laws are, but they aren’t worth my time and stress. I realized a long time ago, they weren’t going to be the grandparents like I had when I was growing up. My parents may live across the country, but they spend more time with my kids and try to fly out for as many things as they can. My aunt and uncle (who also live across the country) also spoil them and are like a second set of grandparents to them.

[bisous]

I'm so sorry your kids had to deal with that. I agree--good for your 6 year old for speaking up.

And your 8 year old is awesome and I want to be his best friend. What a great brother and genuinely good person to be able to find the positive like that.

I love this perspective. Seriously, your kids did great in a really crummy situation. I'm so sorry!

[carolinacool]

There are 50 plus people (DH is one of 12 kids), so it is chaotic and everyone is busy with their family, so I don’t think people really notice who gets gifts and who doesn’t. Some siblings only buy for certain siblings they are closer to, or other siblings get a small family gift for each family, some don’t buy gifts for anyone, etc and it can really vary from year to year. Like I said in previous years the boys got a gift from his sister, so they were fine and didn’t notice. DH and I have had a long talk about it because I was really upset by it, moreso than he was. I’m hoping we can afford to fly home and spend the holidays with my family next year, but if not, we will do something just the four of us instead.

I could spend hours telling stories about how ridiculous my in laws are, but they aren’t worth my time and stress. I realized a long time ago, they weren’t going to be the grandparents like I had when I was growing up. My parents may live across the country, but they spend more time with my kids and try to fly out for as many things as they can. My aunt and uncle (who also live across the country) also spoil them and are like a second set of grandparents to them.

That sounds so chaotic. I wouldn't go anymore simply because I don't have the patience sit around and watch that many people open gifts, even if my kid had one or two to open. I also want to high-five your six-year-old.

I'm glad you're making different plans for next year.

[California]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like your 8 year old has a healthy perspective on it.

With 50 plus people attending, I'm guessing your DH probably wants to go so he and the kids can be around some of the other family members who are there. I also have a huge family. We only do a gift exchange between the kids. It's such a tough call when you have a mix of people who you love to see mixed with people who are very difficult. Two of my extended family members have untreated (by their choice) mental health issues that can make them very unpleasant. I've learned to just avoid them as much as possible and leave if they get into an argument. In your case, with it being a parent/grandparent, that's kind of impossible to do! Sounds like a good plan to have a more peaceful and pleasant Christmas experience next year. Would it be possible for your DH to visit with the siblings he's closest to on a separate day? He'd have a better chance of actually talking with them than he would at a party with 50+ people (speaking from my own experience.)

[Pear]

If the kids are not treated equally, I absolutely would not attend. It doesn’t matter how chaotic things are, they are going to notice the disparity and know they are viewed as lesser. Is that how your DH wants them to feel on Xmas?