My Turn for an IL Vent

[specialp]

Pretty disturbing thread. I’m so sad and angry for your kids.

There is disparity on IL side of the family and we do not subject our kids to it even though it doesn’t come from a bad place. They do substantially more than they do for my kids both in time, effort, and gifts (think hundreds vs. $40), but really, it’s more like leveling the field. We’ve figured out ways to take the good and leave the bad. Separate visit, attending non-gift-giving holidays, or simply leaving before the gift exchange. One day my kids will be mature enough to see the big picture (and not blab or point it out because again, we have circumstances), but right now they are too little and littles see and feel disparity, unworthiness, etc. I know! I had it in my own family. No amount of explaining or spoiling by the other set made me feel better about it. I wouldn’t count on chaos or distractions. Since your oldest was quick with a response, I actually wonder if this is the first time in 8 years he noticed or if he had noticed the last couple of years and was somewhat prepared. He’s a great kid, either way.

I don’t understand why DH has ever asked why. Seriously!? It’s not an inappropriate question. They called to ask about a missing card so is really so bad for DH to be one on one, adult to adult, and ask why? You didn’t mention how many grandkids, but my BIL is one of nine or ten where there are 25+ grandkids vs. the 7 my parents have. It’s a wildly different grandparent experience for my n&n. I know my BIL/sister’s family has instituted different rules over the years re: gifts that would seem unfair and really was to the youngest set, but is really because those grandparents do not have the time, energy, memory, or resources to shower so many. I know they do not ship if you aren’t there. I know there’s bad history and bad grandparenting here and I can’t imagine what setup allows for gifts for all but 2 (unless aunt is in charge for some reason), but I guess curiosity of such a blatant disparity would force me to ask the question …. even if we were never going back. I’d want an answer and it would be worth my time and energy to ask.

[Corie]

but I guess curiosity of such a blatant disparity would force me to ask the question …. even if we were never going back. I’d want an answer and it would be worth my time and energy to ask.

I would also need to know the answer to that question.

[PZMommy]

My DH has made comments in the past, but bottom line is they just don’t care. My kids are their youngest grandkids out of 20 plus. Their exciuses involve not having money, we live too far, they don’t know them well enough (their fault, not ours). I have a million vents about what they expect from their kids, and my DH has stood up to a lot of their demands, which probably is part of the issue as well. (He never used to, but in the past few years as he has begun to see what is going on he has taken a stand). Most of their kids send them cash every month to help with expenses, and my DH refuses. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is. He used to pay for his mom’s cell phone until she traded it in and ran up a $1100 phone bill in a month. He took the phone away and was able to get the bill reduced. So I’m guessing his refusal to give them everything they want, probably plays a part in it.

[Peaches Keane]

My maternal grandmother was exceptionally fair (ALWAYS!). This is what she did: the parents of younger kids were given $25 per child and the parents were instructed to buy something the kid likes, wrap it, put a tag on it (to kid's name, from Grandma), and bring it to the shindig and put it under the tree. Older grandkids were given a card with $25 cash. The adults participated in a name draw gift exchange (probably also with a $25 limit). Everyone got a gift and everyone was happy.

In your case, I'd just buy your kids something and put it under the tree. It seems your SIL has noticed and has tried to do something kind and fair.

[Corie]

Most of their kids send them cash every month to help with expenses, and my DH refuses.

He used to pay for his mom’s cell phone until she traded it in and ran up a $1100 phone bill in a month. He took the phone away

I think you hit the nail on the head on why your kids aren't getting gifts.