I am in a very similar situation (mother the same age, same distance from me, all care is on me, etc.). The main difference is that my mother has already been living in senior community with some services, her own choice, for at least 7 years now. (Edited for clarity, just saying it seems we started the senior cmmty path a little sooner than with your Mom). She has experienced a lot of physical decline but nothing life threatening so we are likely to be dealing with this for some years to come.
When she entered the community she completely refused to move closer to me. Flat out. I let her know that meant I would not be able to drop everything and rush to her side for every medical appointment or minor health crisis. I am firm that my nuclear family (Dh and our children) come first. My Dc have their own medical needs, I work part-time but in the classroom so time off is a major challenge.
We visit 2x a year; she used to visit us a lot more often so we saw her 4-5x a year. I'm not sure I can easily do much more. Dh's parents are both aging in different states and require visits from us as well. I have attended Dr. appointments with her, but she mostly has chronic management and my presence isn't necessary.
Currently, my plan is that if she needs to move up a level of care that she will need to move to us. Statistically, most people don't live at the next level more than 2 years and many are there less than a year. She could be an exception, based on her particular health issues. She agrees, in theory, with this plan but I'm not sure if she will come willingly.
The downside of pushing for a move is that many people say their parents experienced a significant decline after the move. The stress of moving, the new place, etc. In other words, they were able to function at a higher level while still in a familiar environment but never really recovered after the move. I'll admit this is one reason I have not pushed harder for her to move. I think that would likely be her experience. Some people are just more resilient than others.
My father successfully cared for both of his parents from far away. He visited about 4-5 times a year for a week or two (20hr drive) and hired a local woman to come in and help care for them (she didn't live-in). They arranged it so he could attend any major medical appointments (making decisions about cancer treatment, for example) or phone in through the caregiver. The arrangement worked out very well for all of them (the caregiver, my father, his parents). Both parents stayed in their home and had a peaceful last few years.
Last edited by Simon; 01-19-2018 at 01:21 PM.
Ds1 (2006). Ds2 (2010). Ds3 (2012).