Talking to kids about healthy eating, weight, etc.

[hillview]

sounds like 2 separate issues
1) need to get dd eating better/outside doing stuff more
2) DH needs to be better prepared to have a discussion with DD if he feels it is important

for #1 I would as OP have said only have stuff in the kitchen you think people should be eating. If that is a 600 calorie muffin so be it. Generally that sort of thing isn't considered a great food choice (disclaimer, my kids had a coke, dunkin' donut and candy bar this weekend -- horrible parenting weekend). I would lay out easily gettable snacks and desserts that are better choices (here that might be a pudding snack (portion size), 2 cookies or 2 small squares of chocolate). I recently posted about ideas for snacks for kids -- loads of good ideas there. Also come up with a plan for DD to get more exercise. There was also a recent thread on this.

for #2 I would privately discuss with DH what your mutual goals are for the kids eating habits AND how to talk to kids about eating.

[California]

It sounds like fitness is a really important part of his life, and I'm wondering if there's a healthy way he could share this with DD? Maybe a cooking class where they are both learning together. Or a new activity that she might be interested in- like a groupon for a surrey or bike ride in a touristy part of town, or a trampoline park, or a hike. Something where he could channel his strong value for fitness into an enjoyable shared activity.

Going to share a little about my childhood in case it gives you some ideas: I grew up with a very athletic dad who learned new skills easily but did NOT have a knack for teaching. I don't think I'd recommend his methods. He'd take a class on whatever new activity he wanted to try, then try to teach us. Sailing, sailboarding, waterskiing, trick kites, mountain biking, snorkeling... the list goes on. The home videos are really funny: He would yell unhelpful vague instructions at us while we tried over and over to figure out what we were supposed to do. Eventually we'd figure it out, only thanks to mutual patience and not to anything he'd told us. These weren't bad experiences because he firmly believed if we kept trying we'd get it. (Fortunately we never got seriously hurt, though I spent my childhood with continuously skinned knees.) He also made sure to show interest in what I liked, too. He was far, far from a perfect dad but I appreciate to this day that he wanted to share his life with us. It would be really wonderful if your DH could figure out a way to share his passion for fitness so that it builds his connection with your DD and supports her self confidence.

[alootikki]

Thanks for all the responses - a lot to think about! Just to clarify a few things:

1) I don't stock a lot of junk in the house, and DD is not constantly snacking. She eats a healthy breakfast, lunch (I pack it) and dinner (home-cooked), plus an after-school snack that is more of a protein-rich mini meal before activities. But if you offer her a cupcake, she'll eat it every time! (Unlike DS, who prefers fruit to cookies). She recently had a corn muffin at a friend's house and asked me to get them at home - that's why the "muffin dessert" came up. I noticed the weight gain when we were going through home construction drama/stress this summer - I wasn't cooking as much at home, and they were spending a lot of time hanging out at grandparents' houses (no swimming, other physical activities). She's not overweight in any way - just used to be underweight, so now you see the difference since she's at a "typical" weight.

2) DD is relatively active - she plays tennis and swims, but she is not playing travel soccer 5x a week like a lot of kids I know. We do take family walks after dinner almost every day.

3) I completely agree that we should be talking to them about healthy eating - but in a HEALTHY way, not a "eat this or else you'll get fat and look awful" way. I would have been fine with DH saying "DD, a whole muffin is a lot of sugar, and sugar is really toxic for our bodies. How about having half a muffin with milk instead?" - she would have been fine with that too! I already tell DH not to make comments about "getting fat" in front of the kids - his talking about calories with her without any other context is what irritated me.

All this to say - I'm not actually worried about DD's health, although of course I want to guide my kids to eat healthy things and stay active. I just don't want negative body image to be associated with it! I think DH gets this, but it's not as uppermost in his mind as it is in mine!

[petesgirl]

Another thing to keep in mind is that at 10 years old, her body is preparing for puberty and a normal part of that is healthy weight gain. She is going to start filling out around the hips and bust. Is your DH seeing these changes and possibly equating that with an unhealthy 'getting fat'? He needs to realize that and find a way to be OK with it for your daughter's physical health and her mental self - image.

[doberbrat]

One aunt, who I despise to this day, would never call me by my name, instead she used the equivalent of "Fatty" when she spoke to me. My parents never stopped her. My mom was always making comments about my weight and appearance, and called me a bull or elephant and would laugh at me at the same time. It led to many, many problems for me. So, again, thank you for speaking up and being sensitive to the actual and hidden messages your DH is sending.

Are we related?? B/c I heard all that and more at our house too.

[flashy09]

I would just be blunt with your DH. Sit him down and tell him that you are entering the last few years where you can shape your DD's mind about healthy body image and healthy eating. In this society she is going to know all about calories and restriction and "ideal' body shapes very soon. You don't want her feeling unconfident and critical about herself- as many teens are- and remembering her father telling her about calories. Tell him to talk about foods that build shiny hair, give high energy, make a brain that works well, muscles that help her do what she wants. If he really opposes snacks that are heavy and treat like, keep them out of the house and produce them only when it's ok by everyone for her to have one.

[anonomom]

May I suggest that you do a little bit of reading on Health at Every Size? The point of the movement, in general terms, is that it's a good idea to focus on activity and healthy eating for its own sake, without reference to body size. Along with it comes the idea of radical acceptance -- that you can be doing everything you can to treat your body well and still be "overweight," and that's ok. It's the habits that matter, not body size. I know your DD is not overweight, but the principles still stand.

I do worry about just how toxic our culture is with regard to body size, especially when it's couched in evidence-free "health" language. Kudos to you for trying to keep that culture out of your own home.

[maestramommy]

Something Dh and I have been talking with the kids about is eating a balanced diet. Not too much of any one thing. We've always talked to them about sugar, but after watching "In Defense of Food," and "Fed Up" I've been talking about sugar more. What I've also done is really try to eliminate as much processed food from our daily eating, and to give them snack options with as little added sugar as possible. We also talk to them about why more than limited sugar is bad for them.

We don't talk about weight, when our kids make comments about being fat, we assure them their bodies are normal. DD1 and 2 are getting close to the age of puberty so last night I was talking about how they will have a large growth spurt before menstruation begins, and this includes the addition of some body fat, so not to worry about that. As always we emphasize healthy eating, ie less processed foods/eating out/added sugar.

DD1 does ballet twice as week, but otherwise is extremely sedentary. Her natural body type is really lean, but we are trying to find ways for her to be more active because we think it would improve her mood. Things like more hiking when the weather warms up.