Bat Mitzvah

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I’ll need to take DS clothes shopping as he’s grown out of his nice pants/shirt. He should have something for special occasion, so I don’t mind getting dress pants/shirt. I won’t do a suit as it won’t be worn again.

I’m not sure what to wear. I’ve put on weight so nothing fits. I’ve started an exercise program, but I won’t be far enough into it. I’ll need to look for something.


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[Smillow]

MagnoliaParadise - thank you for posting! I’ve never bent to to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, so super information to have

[niccig]

I posted in the lounge that I have a Bat Mizvah to attend in 2 weeks. I’ve put on weight, so nothing fits, and I’m not far enough into my exercise program.

I thought to try rent the runway as I’d rather rent for $30-50 then buy larger size that hopefully will be too big soon.

I saw some people wore this to a christening and I would wear a white cardigan to cover shoulders. Is it too much?
https://m.renttherunway.com/shop/des...sh_print_dress

I may fit in my black cropped dress pants, but I’d need a nice shirt. The ones I have that fit are work button up and don’t think dressy enough. I did a major purge of my closet when renovated, and I haven’t replaced things as knew I needed to lose weight.

Any other suggestions?


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[SnuggleBuggles]

That dress is a good option.

I like this skirt too https://www.loft.com/flounce-pull-on...tid=catl000017
I don’t think I’d do pants. I’m sure they’re fine officially but a skirt would be better for the occasion.


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[magnoliaparadise]

MagnoliaParadise - thank you for posting! I’ve never bent to to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, so super information to have

You're welcome

[magnoliaparadise]

The ones we have attended have all been huge NYC/Long Island ones so maybe this isn’t typical, but we give somewhere around $500 that’s a multiple of 18.

That's a huge amount and on the absolute edge of the high part of the curve, but not surprising since it's NYC/Long Island. It costs so much to put on parties there that maybe the guests want to help off set that (and are well off).

Around where I live, if a middle school kid is invited alone (no parents), s/he gives approx $36 - $52 depending upon how close they are to the bat/bar mitzah child. I'm I'm invited with my two girls (so three of us), I give approx $125 - $150. I will occasionally give $200 - $225 if I'm very close with the family or want to help them because they are struggling financially since the luncheon and parties can cost a lot or the kid is struggling emotionally and there are extra costs, etc., but I usually give $150 or a little more.

The parties are usually catered, at least a little, and sometimes there are a lot of caterers, but I just went to one in which, when the lights went on, all the guests stripped the tables and cleaned up (it was in a temple and there was a janitor who did the sweeping, but guests cleaned up the tables). That is on the end of the curve of less expensive, but just to say that not *all* bat/bar mitzvah parties are super fancy. The fancier ones definitely serve a lot of alcohol... and a ton of food...

More and more the food at the parties are not sit down, which is great. Sit down when I was growing was just too long and people just wanted to dance.

[SnuggleBuggles]

That's a huge amount and on the absolute edge of the high part of the curve, but not surprising since it's NYC/Long Island. It costs so much to put on parties there that maybe the guests want to help off set that (and are well off).

Around where I live, if a middle school kid is invited alone (no parents), s/he gives approx $36 - $52 depending upon how close they are to the bat/bar mitzah child. I'm I'm invited with my two girls (so three of us), I give approx $125 - $150. I will occasionally give $200 - $225 if I'm very close with the family or want to help them because they are struggling financially since the luncheon and parties can cost a lot or the kid is struggling emotionally and there are extra costs, etc., but I usually give $150 or a little more.

The parties are usually catered, at least a little, and sometimes there are a lot of caterers, but I just went to one in which, when the lights went on, all the guests stripped the tables and cleaned up (it was in a temple and there was a janitor who did the sweeping, but guests cleaned up the tables). That is on the end of the curve of less expensive, but just to say that not *all* bat/bar mitzvah parties are super fancy. The fancier ones definitely serve a lot of alcohol... and a ton of food...

More and more the food at the parties are not sit down, which is great. Sit down when I was growing was just too long and people just wanted to dance.

But aren’t the gifts for the kiddo? Why would you be offsetting the event costs? Would you think the parents split the $ with the child? How would that work?
I’d hope folks are hosting events that fit their budget. It might feel a bit uncomfortable if hosts feel their guests perceive the ceremony and party as outside of their budget. Odds are they saved up and are hosting what they can afford. I would totally set that line of thought down and just gift the honoree.


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[pinkmomagain]

But aren’t the gifts for the kiddo? Why would you be offsetting the event costs? Would you think the parents split the $ with the child? How would that work?

This has come up in wedding threads too. Generally, in the NY tri-state area (and maybe in other communities too), gifts for these types of events (weddings, bar mitzvahs) are monetary and determined somewhat by what one estimates a guest plate is costing the hosts. It's just how it is done. Parents pay, gifts go to offspring -- but still, this is how an amount is traditionally determined.

[SnuggleBuggles]

This has come up in wedding threads too. Generally, in the NY tri-state area (and maybe in other communities too), gifts for these types of events (weddings, bar mitzvahs) are monetary and determined somewhat by what one estimates a guest plate is costing the hosts. It's just how it is done. Parents pay, gifts go to offspring -- but still, this is how an amount is traditionally determined.

Gotcha. Thanks!


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[magnoliaparadise]

This has come up in wedding threads too. Generally, in the NY tri-state area (and maybe in other communities too), gifts for these types of events (weddings, bar mitzvahs) are monetary and determined somewhat by what one estimates a guest plate is costing the hosts. It's just how it is done. Parents pay, gifts go to offspring -- but still, this is how an amount is traditionally determined.

I guess I agree with this generally... but I don't mean 'off-setting' or 'de-fraying' the party costs in a crass way at all. I just meant I want them not to be disadvantaged by their generosity that they incurred by having me and my kids there. If it seems like it put them out a lot of time/effort/money to make a nice party, I feel badly, I guess, if I don't do my part to make up something and want them to be ok. They might not care at all, but this is my thing.

And a gift to the kid is like a gift to the parents, IMHO, even if the parents don't get the gift. I have never heard of a parent splitting the money with the kids - that made me laugh! If I am friends with the mom/dad, then my love for the kid is usually based upon my relationship with the parents. If I see that the parents are going out of their way to generously give a fancy party for their kid and family/friends, and I want to 'give back' by showing my love by a nicer gift, I know the parents will not get the gift or gift card. So I'm not really defraying anything. But it's showing that I care for the parents through a gift to the kid.

And for me, this is not just about to bar/bat mitzvahs. I'm sure many people save up for these things, but like any other big anniversary party, big number birthday party, or wedding, where many people are invited, etc etc, my hunch is that the parties are always more expensive than they are intended to be when they start out. I bet people spend more than they intend to even for the less expensive parties. Food, drinks, renting space if they do, a DJ, flowers, etc all add up. Yes, it's up to the families to determine how much they spend. No one is responsible for defraying the costs. I just like to.

BUT, having said all this, the biggest factor in how much I give in a gift card is how close I am to the family and/or kid.

And I used to give gifts (not gift cards)... but I have never heard of a 'bar/bat mitzvah gift wish list' like for weddings so I never know what to buy the kids - and I don't know what would annoy the parents (like a tech-y game thing that certain parents might dislike). So it's easier for me to get a gift card from Amazon, Apple, etc. And cash is totally acceptable an in many ways makes sense since it is more fungible to put in an account for the kid. There is nothing wrong with that. I just don't think it's so fun for the kid to get money. A gift card is only a little better, but enough for me. I would buy a gift frankly, but for the time that I would spend figuring out what to give the kid and likelihood that I would get a gift that s/he liked, a gift card is a better bang for my buck.

Sometimes relatives will give an 'experience' to a kid as a gift. Like a day trip to somewhere special or even a vacation with grandparents. I always think that's really sweet.

I once went to a bar/bat mitzvah many hours away (by train) with another family to a mutual friend's kid's bat mitzvah. By the time we bought the train tickets for all our kids and the hotel room for two nights, it actually was pretty expensive. The family having the bar/bat mitzvah made very clear several times that they were grateful that we had come a long way and they knew that it came with costs to get there and they hoped we wouldn't get them a present. I got the kid a gift anyway and did not decrease it in any way - it was my choice to go after all so I chose to spend money to get there because I wanted to be there - but I thought that it was really a kind thing to do as a host. I don't know what the other family did.