WWYD: “Bullying” with 4.5 year olds

[Philly Mom]

I need help figuring out what to do. DD2 is 4.5. All the kids in her class turn 5 in the fall. She is in a very nice, small traditional preschool with an aftercare option that is suited to our current lifestyle. Prior, she was in a great school that was essentially a private preschool for working parents. Everyone had two income households. All kids paid for 11 hours of coverage. It was a wonderful school but too far away from our house to continue because it was no longer on the way to our offices.

Anyway, we picked our current school on the recommendation of a good friend. Her son is in DD2’s class. I think the world of her. For the first half of the year, Her son played with a couple of kids who got in trouble and he was constantly getting in trouble but it was separate from DD2. I think his mom encouraged him to spend time with DD2 and her bff, also a boy. Around March, he started spending more and more time with DD2 and bff. He wants to be friends with bff and doesn’t want DD2 involved. In the third week of March, I got an email that friend’s son tried to push DD2 down the stairs. Since then he has repeatedly hit/punched her. At Tball, he threw dirt in her face because bff and DD2 were going to be partners. Today, he kicked her in the stomach while she was on monkey bars.

The school has said that the kid can’t stay for lunch anymore and there is supposed to be a teacher dedicated to him. It was getting better but then today. DD2 said no teachers were nearby.

I don’t know that my friend knows it is my DD2 getting hurt. I know some other kids have been hurt too but she seems to be his favorite punching bag. I also think my friend thinks this is an old issue and normal behavioral stuff. We were out last week and she said “when x was having behavioral issues...” For example, at tball, she is sitting on the bench looking at her phone or she or her DH will threaten a time out but won’t follow through.

I don’t know what to do. I can talk to the school director again. But what do I say? I feel like I need to respond to her teacher tonight, but I am at a loss for words. It is making me feel sick. Honestly, she is such a great person and friend. So WWYD? I need advice and I can’t really ask too many people.



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[trcy]

I would contact the school and see how they plan to protect your child when she is in their care. The mom can’t control what he does when he isn’t going n her care and I think mentioning it to her would just cause bad feelings because she doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge there’s a problem with his behavior.


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[Philly Mom]

I would contact the school and see how they plan to protect your child when she is in their care. The mom can’t control what he does when he isn’t going n her care and I think mentioning it to her would just cause bad feelings because she doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge there’s a problem with his behavior.


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Sorry, I left out that I spoke to the school three weeks ago. They acknowledged the issue and said they were addressing it. He was no longer allowed for lunch and afternoon activities and they were going to have a Teacher shadow him. It seemed to be better at school for a couple weeks until today. We still have had issues at tball which is an activity we do with bff and this boy. The school is not involved there.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

I think the best you can do is protect her at t-ball best you can like maybe talk to the coach about keeping them separate. When they’re together be super vigilant and intervene if needed.
At school, repeatedly ask how they plan to keep dd2 safe. Doesn’t matter if you’re pestering them. You need to know they are taking this seriously. If not, you may just need to switch schools.
I don’t think I’d talk to your friend.

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[bisous]

I think the best you can do is protect her at t-ball best you can like maybe talk to the coach about keeping them separate. When they’re together be super vigilant and intervene if needed.
At school, repeatedly ask how they plan to keep dd2 safe. Doesn’t matter if you’re pestering them. You need to know they are taking this seriously. If not, you may just need to switch schools.
I don’t think I’d talk to your friend.

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I agree with everything written here!

[hillview]

at this point i would document everything in school via email At tball you can decide if there is a way to keep dd safe or if you need to find another activity. Your child's safety and emotional wellbeing are critical (as you know).

[Philly Mom]

I think the best you can do is protect her at t-ball best you can like maybe talk to the coach about keeping them separate. When they’re together be super vigilant and intervene if needed.
At school, repeatedly ask how they plan to keep dd2 safe. Doesn’t matter if you’re pestering them. You need to know they are taking this seriously. If not, you may just need to switch schools.
I don’t think I’d talk to your friend.

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Thanks. I wasn’t planning on talking to my friend but it is awkward in general. I feel like I need to keep my distance, which is sad.

I am going to meet with her teacher in the next couple of days. I will find time to talk to the director too especially about the upcoming year. She’s a tough kid but this is definitely wearing on her.

I would quit tball all together but she likes it. I will never sign up for another activity with this kid again. My older DD wants to play soccer with his big sister. I may skip that too because that will be another situation with DD2, bff and this boy being put together while they watch their sisters.

Summer can’t come soon enough.


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[KpbS]

I'm so sorry to read your post. Definitely don't sign up for any more activities that would put them near each other, even/esp. on the sidelines.

We were in almost the exact same situation you are in our last semester of preschool with exactly the same physical bullying happening. My DD was punched in the stomach, spit on, shoved, "hugged" very forcefully, bitten, and had dirt thrown in her face. Ours escalated pretty quickly with the most aggressive events happening in the last weeks of school. I spoke to the teachers, to my DD, and ultimately to the mom (my friend of several years) about the problem. I don't recommend talking to the mom or dad though.

Our bully was very sneaky too. Classic bullying--would hit/kick during transitions when teachers were busy or not watching.

We ended up leaving our sweet school since they could not guarantee my DD would be safe and I did not want DD to feel 1) the behavior was acceptable 2) friends treat each other this way 3) she somehow deserved the physical abuse. It was a hard decision for sure and blindsided us late in the school year.

[dogmom]

I think one needs to be careful about labeling something bullying in today’s environment. I suggest you figure out a way to describe the behavior without those words if you are going to talk to your friend. It’s just going to start things out wrong. I do think you can call it “a pattern of inappropriate behavior that is consistently aimed at your daughter and often gets physical and can potentially harm her.” You basically got two choices here. Choice one is to ignore any direct conversations with your friend, limit contact with her son and you will drift away in your friendship. Choice two is to sit down and have a conversation with her, without her son, and lay out the things you have been seeing. The best way to go about it is you are concerned that her son is not processing his emotions well and this could lead to a pattern of social interaction that is not good for him in the long run. All this is true. You will be able to protect your daughter (it sounds like the school is trying to do the right thing) and keep her away from this boy, she may very well not remember any of this later. (My kids are older and I’m always shocked was does and does not stick with them.) However, if this behavior continues with your friend’s son it will have much longer repercussions. It may even be a symptom of a larger underlying problem.

You are faced with two bad choices, and I’m sorry. Either way you may very well lose a friend. I encourage you to talk to your Husband before doing anything. You are going to need him to back you up either way.

P.S. For those of you wonder about the careful about labeling bullying. My kids are older and they have so internalized the bullying message I’ve often got to correct my daughter about what is and is not bullying. Soon as her or one of her friends get their feelings hurt they were labeling it “bullying” and it really wasn’t. I’ve talked with her a lot about what bullyiing is so she doesn’t overuse the word and have it lose it will meaning. For example, being upset that someone ignored you and it is possible they did not hear you is not bullying.

[BunnyBee]

^^I Agee that I wouldn’t use the term bullying. This seems to be more targeting. I would go in today if you can and ask for what the school’s plan is to keep your daughter safe. The current plan is either not being executed or does not work. I’d probably follow up in writing with unemotional fact list of the events this year.