Sister issues

[niccig]

Do I have to tell my sister I’m visiting my parents? As I posted in my other post about car rentals, DS and I will soon visit my parents. I did not tell my younger sister our plans, and she hasn’t asked when I’m visiting mum and dad next. She and my mother don’t get along and on our last visit there, she and mum had a few fights, ruining trip for everyone IMO, and DS became very upset. He’s not used to that level of fighting (it was bad). My sister wants a buffer when she visits, which is why I didn’t volunteer my travel plans. I don’t want to be the buffer. I also want DS to have a good visit with his grandparents. According to mum, she may visit a few days after we go (it’s international flight for her too), but she hasn’t confirmed that with my mother, she hasn’t spoken to my mother in several weeks, which isn’t unusual.

DH says to not say anything now before we leave, that I don’t have to fill her in on my plans.


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[StantonHyde]

Just to confirm--this is the one who won't take driving directions from you when she visits, right? I wouldn't tell her a dang thing. Your visit is your visit. You are not a professional buffer. She needs to handle her own stuff. You need to protect DS's visit with his grandparents. I wouldn't breathe a peep of what you are doing. And go with a clear conscience. And if she says something, then say that you don't want to expose DS to that kind of fighting and that he was very upset by the fighting during the last visit. Period. end of story. Sorry she is such a pain.

[niccig]

Yep, same sister. I never know how to deal with her, so I post here for advice. I will say that the fighting with my mother is 50-50 blame on each of them. My mother is an equally difficult person. I don’t have the same issues with Mum and our visits go well.

DH said he doesn’t confer with his sisters when we plan a trip to visit his parents. She does know we were planning to visit this summer as I sent details on cheap tickets when I got our tickets back in January. She doesn’t know exact dates. My older sister doesn’t tell me when she’s visiting mum and dad either.

Sigh... difficult family


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[specialp]

No you do not. Do not even worry about it. First, you being there last time obviously wasn't a good buffer since the fighting was bad and bothered your son. Second, and more importantly, you can't be a buffer for her at the expense of your son. I would have no problem saying that if I were questioned and I, too, have family members who do not get along well with each other.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Nope. Just do your own thing.


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[calebsmama03]

You don’t have to tell anyone when you’re visiting if it will make your visit unpleasant and difficult for you or your child! I went back to my hometown area years ago when my best friend had her first baby and we didn’t tell my mother or any of my family because they always played the “you spent X hours with DHs family so now you need to spend the same with us” game. I wanted to do what *I* wanted to do on that trip and not deal with their crap (my parents fought as badly as your mom and sister from the sounds of it). Do what works for YOU.

[Ceepa]

You do not need to tell your sister your plans. Consider what works for you and DS, not your sister.

[daisyd]

No you do not. Do not even worry about it. First, you being there last time obviously wasn't a good buffer since the fighting was bad and bothered your son. Second, and more importantly, you can't be a buffer for her at the expense of your son. I would have no problem saying that if I were questioned and I, too, have family members who do not get along well with each other.

I agree with this

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I think I feel guilty about not telling her, as I know she wants someone there with her and mom. She was supposed to go last Christmas but cancelled when older sister told her she wasn’t getting in the middle. Younger sister had asked older sister if she would have her back with mom. Older sister declined, so younger sister canceled her trip telling me she can’t deal with mom alone.

You’re all right that I need to do what’s best for me and DS. I can not be her buffer with my mother, they need to figure it out. If she does change her travel plans once she knows I’m there, I’ll deal with it. I can’t stop her from coming, but I can remove DS from any toxic situations.





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[StantonHyde]

In response to your response to my response , I don't care who is at fault or to what degree. The bottom line is they fight. You going to see your mum is not taking sides. Does your sister get along with your dad? If not, then why does she visit? Does she at least stay in a hotel? There are ways that your sister could draw boundaries here. Playing the "nobody will help me" card is not ok. Either she figures out boundaries and if she and your mom/parents can't do that then they shouldn't see each other. It doesn't sound fun for anybody.