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  1. #1
    icunurse is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Default So angry, I just want to scream!

    We have a history of a not-good relationship with ILs. To sum it up, DH is the jerk, sister is the princess, and brother is the baby. We get along with brother. Sister is helpless and whiny and annoying. Not a horrible person, but not someone that we care to spend time with, either. And her husband is a piece of work. They are careless parents, mooch off my in laws, and are just....boring. Plus did I mention the neediness?

    Anyway, sister decided to have a half bday for her DD. We were told a couple months ago it would be on a Sunday. We kinda rolled our eyes, as we helped to celebrate her bday with gifts and everything 6 months ago. But they want to have a party at the ILs house (farmland in the middle of nowhere, in July, and convenient for no one) with more family. We got the FB invite and the party is on a Saturday that we have expensive concert tickets that we bought 5 months ago. Today I responded that we can't make it, have longstanding plans, have a fun party. As expected, within 30 minutes, MIL sent DH a text (meaning that sister, at her "very busy" job, had the time to go on FB and text her mom about it). The text said that they are so sorry that we can't make the party and that maybe one day we won't have longstanding plans for a party at their house, but she won't hold her breath. WTF?! Now, while in retrospect I could have given a big explanation to the entire guest list on FB about my weekend plans (concert tickets), is that how you talk to your child? We have seen them 7 times in the last month (2 bday parties, party at our house, recital, concert, graduation day, Fathers Day). That's more than we see them in a typical year! But because it's the fragile, sensitive, suffering sisters party....

    I am so tired of dealing with this! I want to say something, but they don't say anything to me. It has been like this my entire marriage, brother and cousins see it, so it's not in our heads. But we are the bad guys. Always the bad guys. Two years ago, we went with brother and wife to a sporting event that brother coachs and our DS plays in. SIL posted a pic on FB. Sister called her parents and DH was lectured about not including his sister over the course of months. But MIL can have brunches at her house and not invite us or drive daily to brothers house (passing by our house, saying we should drive to see them because it's so far). The hypocrisy is high. I really try to be respectful of my inlaws, but I'm also tired of holding my tongue.

    Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest, so thanks.....

  2. #2
    SnuggleBuggles is online now Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Vent away!! I don't know how you hold your tongue! You're a better person than I. At least your dh gets it and you aren't frustrated alone (I feel like IL issues are worse when the spouse doesn't see it, though they always stink!).
    I'd be so tempted to reply to her earlier emails with the Sunday save the date along with a ticket order confirmation. And be over the top nice about it. I'd like to see what would happen next...

  3. #3
    icunurse is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    Vent away!! I don't know how you hold your tongue! You're a better person than I. At least your dh gets it and you aren't frustrated alone (I feel like IL issues are worse when the spouse doesn't see it, though they always stink!).
    I'd be so tempted to reply to her earlier emails with the Sunday save the date along with a ticket order confirmation. And be over the top nice about it. I'd like to see what would happen next...
    No emails, FB invite. And since I already responded, I can't really do more without looking tacky to a bunch of people that I don't know. The childish, angry part of me is already preparing my FB post for the party/concert day about how my longstanding date with xyzband is finally here and there is no other place that I'd rather be! I still can't believe that MIL keeps butting in AND threw my words in DHs face (she isn't on FB, so sister either texted or screenshot or something). DH is the laid back one of us, so he gets angry and then moves on. This one is just one too many for me at this point. Trust me when I say, there is a lot of history. I.am.done.

  4. #4
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default So angry, I just want to scream!

    Ugh I’m sorry. At least the text went to DH. I’d make him keep dealing with his mom and sister. Maybe have him reply to all future invitations/texts/Phone calls/emails.

    I stepped out of the picture with the ILs and let DH deal with them. He now does all the communication, buys all presents for niece’s and nephews and when he forgets his mom calls to remind him. It’s his family. I do mention that someone’s birthday is coming up as we both get the calendar alert.

    Flip side is that I have to deal with my family and I’d rather someone else do that.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains
    Last edited by niccig; 07-03-2018 at 11:23 PM.

  5. #5
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    They really sound awful. If I had read that "maybe one day..." text, I'd be tempted to respond "don't hold your breath."
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

  6. #6
    marinkitty is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    I agree on disengaging from them and letting DH take the lead. I've had to do that a here and there with my inlaws when they get ridiculous (thankfully it has been a good long while since this has happened and I actually think that has a lot to do with boundary setting) and it always helps get us back on track eventually. It sends the message that I'm just not there for their drama. They resume acting normally and I resume acting normally, but then if the crazy comes back, I disengage again. I do it with my own mom and brother now too. Very effective and it really has reduced the amount of angst I feel in dealing with family stuff.

  7. #7
    icunurse is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    I have been left out of things for the last year or two (they used to always text me about parties or plans, but now, for whatever reason, they text DH. Which is a bad idea because he hates to text and doesn't usually know the family schedule and doesn't respond until I remind him numerous times. But whatever lol). But they do this passive-aggressive BS behind his/our backs or over text. He doesn't engage because what's the point? I want his mom and sister to grow a pair of ovaries and say something to our faces so that we can say something back. Just once. Stop trashing us to everyone when you don't even have the nerve to say something. And stop being a baby and running to Mom. And Mom needs to just stay the heck out of her daughters perceived slights and tell her to deal with it.

    Today was DHs bday. He got a text from his mom that said "happy birthday" and nothing from sister (or her daughter, who is his Goddaughter). Neither of us is surprised, but this is the pettiness that we deal with. Yet we are the bad guys. If we forgot to celebrate sister (who celebrates her birthday month, birthday week and then the actual day), man, would we hear about it...

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