"I've asked God to take me soon" - so upset! Part vent/part advice...

[alootikki]

This morning I made my usual morning call to my parents, and my mom picked up. Usual chitchat about dropping kids off to camp, etc (she just stopped by yesterday for a visit) and my mom asks if I want some Faberware she has in the basement. And then says "I don't want you and SIL fighting over it when I'm gone...and I've asked God to take me soon". WTF???!!! I was so taken aback, and tears instantly came to my eyes. All I could get out was "That's a horrible thing to say" and she said "No, it's just practical - I'm done". I quickly got off the phone and sobbed. I may be in my 40s, but just the thought of losing my mom makes me feel like a terrified 8 year old. How is that an ok thing to say to your child??

On one hand, I kind of understand the concept of not wanting to grow older and dependent, and have some life-changing disease, etc. I know she never wants to be bed-ridden or dependent on others. Her kids are both married and she's seen all of her grandchildren (ranging in age from 1-10). If that's your "checklist", um, ok?

On the other hand - is this a cry for help? Is this depression calling out? Not that I think she is suicidal, but is not wanting to live for another 10 years seems like you are so unhappy with your current life that you're ready for it to end?? She is only 71! She has some health issues (had knee replacements, heart issues under control with medication, has been obese for decades) but is fully independent and has an active social life. It pains me to write this - but her marriage to my dad fluctuates from close/normal to emotionally abusive (old-world culture where women take a lot of crap from their husbands). Is my dad driving her to feel this way? She can come live with me if it's that bad!

I'm not great at talking about emotional topics with my mom - but feel like I should call back and talk about this...any advice?

[div_0305]

I'm sorry you had that thrown at you with no warning. That's emotionally abusive towards you. If she's depressed or needs a break from your dad, then that's a topic of conversation to have, and which she could've had when she visited you the day before. Maybe her and your dad just had a bad fight and she's feeling like she's done with it after so many years. I think you do need to tell her how it made you feel and that you are there to hear her out on what brought about this feeling, but that you don't want to be railroaded with that kind of talk again. If she just wants to come stay with you for a while, then tell her to be upfront since you're ready to welcome her in. I'm sure something sparked her statement to you this morning, and the trigger might very well have been due to something that happened with your dad.

I think I'm from the same culture as you. My mom has many physical and psychiatric issues, so I've become numb to the "let me die, I want to die" statements. I know she wants to die, she's tried many times, and it hasn't worked by some stroke of miracle or bad luck depending on one's perspective. She felt this way for at least the past 9 years, but more so after losing my brother 4 years ago. She wants to be with him, and the rest of us here on earth were just not cutting it for her. But she had a very toxic relationship with my dad, and he and his family were very abusive towards her, which I'm sure fueled the psychiatric issues she developed. ETA: I hope my post didn't make my comment about me--I meant to share this to tell you how much I empathize with how you felt when you heard your mom talk like that. I remember how much it threw me for a loop and uncontrollable sobbing to hear she felt like that.

[alootikki]

div_0305 I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you must feel from your mom's issues. I think you must be right - the "fights" are very one-sided, basically my dad screaming at her about not losing weight or some other issue. In the last several years I've actually started to dread being alone with my mom because she will sometimes use that alone time to tell me some awful thing that my dad has said. And I just freeze - I have no idea how to respond. If it were a friend, I would say - leave him! But she's talking about my dad, who I am close to, and there's all this cultural baggage. I kind of just want to say - you're welcome to live with me, but I can't hear about these issues!

[legaleagle]

If she hasn't had a prior history of making these kinds of comments or generally emotionally manipulating you, I think you should treat this as evidence of depression. Depression is very very common among the elderly, and whether it's caused by her marital issues, her health problems, some side effects of her meds, chronic pain, brain chemistry or some mix of everything, I would encourage her to see her doctor and get screened for depression. It might be easier from your side to first address it as a health problem.

[div_0305]

div_0305 I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you must feel from your mom's issues. I think you must be right - the "fights" are very one-sided, basically my dad screaming at her about not losing weight or some other issue. In the last several years I've actually started to dread being alone with my mom because she will sometimes use that alone time to tell me some awful thing that my dad has said. And I just freeze - I have no idea how to respond. If it were a friend, I would say - leave him! But she's talking about my dad, who I am close to, and there's all this cultural baggage. I kind of just want to say - you're welcome to live with me, but I can't hear about these issues!

Thank you . I have always told my mom to leave my dad. I told him upfront that was my advice to her. He would say he was going to change, but it didn't last. I ended up getting them to live separately for some time, but circumstances caused them to be living under the same roof again. She is too sick and frail for him to say/do much now. He gets frustrated/angry if she has a bathroom accident because she refuses to wear a diaper and consumes unreal amounts of water. At some point, I knew my mom was making up some of the worst things she has said about my dad, but on the other hand, I grew up seeing a lot of it. I wish she had left him, because as hard as it would've been, I think she'd be in a better place right now. She was smart, hardworking, resourceful and able to earn money, and didn't need him to survive. She felt we needed him, which is true, but not in the household we grew up in. I think you should offer her to come stay with you whenever she feels the need. Your dad might appreciate her more, as well, when she returns.

[div_0305]

Also, can you talk with your dad to help him realize he's making her feel this way? Depression is how it starts, and then it spirals in old age due to all the other physical ailments which bring down one's quality of life and enjoyment of daily living. Anti-depressants are very tricky on the elderly, and many caused other horrid side-effects for my mom. The latest rage or fad in such medicines are not usually the best for the elderly. If you're open to it, I'd suggest homeopathy. I discovered it too late to help her or my brother, but think it is very powerful. I see a homeopathic dr now for nearly everything with my family. He's even helped my dad more than he's yet to help me.

[mommy111]

I would just tell her that you still need her and why does she want to go? She may feel under-valued or may be depressed or may be just done.

[SnuggleBuggles]

div_0305 I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you must feel from your mom's issues. I think you must be right - the "fights" are very one-sided, basically my dad screaming at her about not losing weight or some other issue. In the last several years I've actually started to dread being alone with my mom because she will sometimes use that alone time to tell me some awful thing that my dad has said. And I just freeze - I have no idea how to respond. If it were a friend, I would say - leave him! But she's talking about my dad, who I am close to, and there's all this cultural baggage. I kind of just want to say - you're welcome to live with me, but I can't hear about these issues!

Putting aside your OP and just replying to this- I eventually told my mom that it wasn't appropriate to complain about my dad to me. Granted, it was never anything abusive or serious, just petty complaints. But, I said it was affecting my relationship with my dad and I'd rather she vent to her friends. It worked! It took me a long time to ask but I am glad I did.

[mommy111]

Putting aside your OP and just replying to this- I eventually told my mom that it wasn't appropriate to complain about my dad to me. Granted, it was never anything abusive or serious, just petty complaints. But, I said it was affecting my relationship with my dad and I'd rather she vent to her friends. It worked! It took me a long time to ask but I am glad I did.

The cultural context is different though. I’m assuming your mom would probably walk out of an abusive relationship in a heartbeat. I know my mom would

[Globetrotter]

OP, Gosh I really feel for you. What an awful thing for you to hear, esp when you are so far away. It’s certainly possible that she is suffering from depression Or maybe it was triggered by an especially awful fight. Do you have siblings or close friends or family there who could check in on her? It sounds like something someone would say to get attention, assuming it’s not related to depression.
My mom Suffers from anxiety and depression and it is a very difficult thing to go through. It’s possible that your mom’s relationship with your dad triggered this, but it’s hard to say. I think in that generation in a patriarchal culture, our moms put up with a lot.
When you talk to her, you can reassure her that you need her to be there and there’s a lot to look forward to, and the grandchildren are still young and there will be graduations and birthdays and weddings. You can ask her what made her say that and let her know how it makes you feel. Do you think it would be helpful to explain to your dad what’s going on? I feel like he needs to know.