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  1. #1
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    Default Visitor expectations

    I want to preface this by saying with out of town guests especially from a long distance away, I try to be accommodating.

    This is in regards to my mum and her annual visit. She booked her trip visiting us a month ago, and I immediately asked her to forward me the flight information. Knowing her tendency, I’m not surprised I’ve yet to receive any info (ie flight #, ETA arrival, etc) and she’s arriving in 5 days time.

    DH wanted me to switch my work days so I’m not working on day of her arrival. I was inclined 2 weeks ago, but now I’m not.

    I’m very tempted to let her figure it out how to get herself to my home from the airport to teach her a lesson. DH thinks I’m being cruel as he is working from home same day, and said he can pick her up. I said no you can’t if her arrival conflict with picking up the boys from their camps. I told DH this is exactly why I asked for said info from Mum and if she can’t find herself to do such a simple request, why should I go out of my way? DH too?

    So am I cruel?? 🤪 I hate that this always comes up every single visit, but more so now that I’m working.


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  2. #2
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I have a relative that is the same way. Doesn’t call to check arrival and departure times with me even though I’ll be doing pick up and drop off. Everyone else that I pick up and drop off at the airport runs their timing by me. That being said I can’t imagine that I would let my mother figure out how she would get to my house. I would probably grumble if she did that to me but I would still arrange to be their if at all possible.

  3. #3
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    This is what is called natural consequences

    However, beyond the initial ask - did you send any follow up requests? If no, then I would accommodate.

    If you have kept asking and no response, I'd inquire one more time and then add "I assume you have arrangements made to get to the house as I am at work and DH may be picking up the kids?" Or some such to prompt her thinking.

    Some folks are poor planners - this would be my DH.

    As another option can you schedule her a Lyft/Uber if there's a conflict?


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  4. #4
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    Is she forgetful or inconsiderate?

    It would be understandable if you did, but it is passive aggressive, will not teach her a lesson (the blame will be on you, not her, in her mind), and will start your trip off horribly. In the future you can say if you want me to pick you up, I have to have your flight detail info. by X day or you will need to cancel and rebook your trip at a later time. I’m working now and need advance notice to arrange time off at work.

  5. #5
    Percycat is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I think there is more to the family dynamic between you and your mother than just the ETA communication issue. In my case, my parents live down the street from me, but travel frequently, and I am their airport shuttle when ever they travel. I regularly ask for departure arrival/information from my parents until I get it. They have a lot going on in their minds getting ready for a trip and this detail isn't the highest priority. To be fair, however, my parents generally schedule flights convenient to my schedule and are always willing to take a service if I'm not available.

    Does your mom realize how her neglect in providing this information timely upsets you? She may not realize and instead assume you are looking forward to her visit and picking her up when she arrives.

  6. #6
    mommy111 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Maybe not cruel but with only the information that you have given (and excluding stuff like she’s passive aggressive and abusive and has been all her life)I would say that you are not being cruel but you’re being incredibly mean. People lose executive ability as they get older especially if they had poor executive ability to start out with. Your husband is right, take the day off or have DH pick kids from camp early and go pick her up
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by specialp View Post
    Is she forgetful or inconsiderate?

    It would be understandable if you did, but it is passive aggressive, will not teach her a lesson (the blame will be on you, not her, in her mind), and will start your trip off horribly. In the future you can say if you want me to pick you up, I have to have your flight detail info. by X day or you will need to cancel and rebook your trip at a later time. I’m working now and need advance notice to arrange time off at work.
    I totally know it IS passive aggressive, but it isn’t a new issue. As I said in my OP it comes up every single time she visits.

    Beyond the initial request, I have asked her 4 times since she booked the trip for information. Once a week is how it’s averaging out so far, and I’m done asking. I have seen she read my texts but respond few hours or next day with other comments but not with the information I’m asking.

    What is it that? I say very rude. Hardly forgetful as she works almost full time basis, drives one hour one way to work, still has full mental capacity.

    I’m really at a loss. When she came last Sept, I changed my schedule around so she could have a ride home. I asked her at the end of trip in the future, to please send me information next time she books.

    Quote Originally Posted by Percycat View Post
    I think there is more to the family dynamic between you and your mother than just the ETA communication issue. In my case, my parents live down the street from me, but travel frequently, and I am their airport shuttle when ever they travel. I regularly ask for departure arrival/information from my parents until I get it. They have a lot going on in their minds getting ready for a trip and this detail isn't the highest priority. To be fair, however, my parents generally schedule flights convenient to my schedule and are always willing to take a service if I'm not available.

    Does your mom realize how her neglect in providing this information timely upsets you? She may not realize and instead assume you are looking forward to her visit and picking her up when she arrives.
    We have had the conversation last visit and how it always happens every time she visits. It always a pattern of me asking repeatedly until I lose my **** with her, and she send me the information literally hours before she takes off in her plane.

    Quote Originally Posted by mommy111 View Post
    Maybe not cruel but with only the information that you have given (and excluding stuff like she’s passive aggressive and abusive and has been all her life)I would say that you are not being cruel but you’re being incredibly mean. People lose executive ability as they get older especially if they had poor executive ability to start out with. Your husband is right, take the day off or have DH pick kids from camp early and go pick her up
    But isn’t that enabling her rude and selfish ways? If I’m always bending over my back in rearranging my schedule and dh too, for that matter to accommodate ONE person?

    I cannot take the day off as I only just started my new part time job 1 month ago. If she had checked with me which dates worked for us, I would be very happy to let her know my days off and pick her up.

    At this point, I’m just very angry at the level of disrespect she is showing me. Beyond that, I love to hear tips on how to deal with such a guest like that. I say that sincerely.


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  8. #8
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    JBaxter is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    At this point I think I would call her and say Since I asked you multiple times for your flights its past the time I can change my schedule to pick you up. You will have to take a cab from the airport. You should have cash.
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by JBaxter View Post
    At this point I think I would call her and say Since I asked you multiple times for your flights its past the time I can change my schedule to pick you up. You will have to take a cab from the airport. You should have cash.
    I think this is a reasonable approach (unless she has dementia or some other mental health issue that would prevent her from relaying the information.)


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  10. #10
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    SIL schedules flights without consulting us. She has landed during the kids' annual Christmas concert, while both of us are at work, etc. When she does this, DH texts her to say we are not available and that she will need to take a cab and what the garage access code is. Doesn't stop her from doing it but it does save us from having to put ourselves out in any way.
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