Visitor expectations

[lurksalot]

Sometimes I wonder how much of this differs from family to family. I am currently suffering similar frustrations. We have family coming for a visit next week. They are traveling from Canada to the states and the trip is for a celebration of life ceremony for my dear MIL. Three families were all on board to come back in March. Based on this information I reserved and paid for two beach houses (you have to book early or you can't get them). I found out today, that one family is not coming and another still haven't given me their arrival and departure dates and yes, they expect us to pick all 5-6 (still not sure on the finail number) from the airport. We are HAPPY to pick them up, pay for their stay, etc, but I do expect some common courtesy with regards to communication. I still haven't heard from one auntie and have resorted to going through another auntie to get all necessary information. Oh, and now that one family isn't coming, we really only need the one beach house, there went $3K. At least we'll have plenty of room to spread out. Sorry to take over your post, I really commiserate. My parents and siblings would always communicate this information in a timely manner.

[niccig]

At this point I think I would call her and say Since I asked you multiple times for your flights its past the time I can change my schedule to pick you up. You will have to take a cab from the airport. You should have cash.

This.
You can’t just take off work last minute. She’ll have to figure it out. You’re giving her more notice than she’s giving you


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[BunnyBee]

It’s not passive aggressive. This is an ongoing issue. You’ve asked her to provide you with the information. You’re setting a boundary and sticking with it.

Passive aggressive IMO would be you switching your work schedule so you couldn’t pick her up rather than just saying no.

[almostmom]

I agree that it is fine for her to find her way to your house. She may learn the lesson. And if not, well, maybe she can always take other transportation to you if she figures it out this time!

[lizzywednesday]

...

I’m very tempted to let her figure it out how to get herself to my home from the airport to teach her a lesson. DH thinks I’m being cruel as he is working from home same day, and said he can pick her up. I said no you can’t if her arrival conflict with picking up the boys from their camps. I told DH this is exactly why I asked for said info from Mum and if she can’t find herself to do such a simple request, why should I go out of my way? DH too?

So am I cruel?? 🤪 I hate that this always comes up every single visit, but more so now that I’m working.

No, you're not cruel. You gave her your parameters for her visit, she didn't comply, and as a consequence she's now got to deal.

She's imposing on you to figure it out and maybe it'll change her MO. (Maybe not and you'll just have an angry Mum at the end of the day, but that's really not your problem.)

IIRC, she has mobility challenges, but does she have a wheelchair? If not, she can definitely get an Uber (or have one gotten for her) from Newark Airport (assuming she's flying into EWR) - they all wait on the ramps and in the cell lot. (Seriously.)

If she does have a wheelchair, I know there are services in Essex County that would serve EWR, but I don't know how far in advance they'd need to be booked.

[trcy]

At this point I think I would call her and say Since I asked you multiple times for your flights its past the time I can change my schedule to pick you up. You will have to take a cab from the airport. You should have cash.

This is what I would do. Maybe she will finally learn.

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[anonomom]

First, let me say that I hear your frustration. It's thoughtless and annoying that your mom only provides her trip info at the very last minute. In your shoes, I'd be irritated, too.

That said, it sounds like you know (and have known for several weeks) the exact date upon which your mom is arriving; it's just the specific time you lack. If that's correct, then I think the better course would have been to switch your work days when you could have, because you knew she'd be there at some point that day. Sounds like changing days is no longer an option, but that tiny detail takes your preferred response -- leaving her to find her own way from the airport -- out of the realm of "natural consequences" and into "retaliatory."

At this point, I don't think you have a choice but to let your mom take a shuttle from the airport, but since you contributed to the problem at least a little bit, it would be kind to arrange that transportation for her. At the very least, find the shuttle company and forward her their info and tell her that if she sends her flight time you'll make her a reservation on the shuttle. It saves you from having to take off work, but doesn't leave her entirely high and dry.

[TwinFoxes]

First, let me say that I hear your frustration. It's thoughtless and annoying that your mom only provides her trip info at the very last minute. In your shoes, I'd be irritated, too.

That said, it sounds like you know (and have known for several weeks) the exact date upon which your mom is arriving; it's just the specific time you lack. If that's correct, then I think the better course would have been to switch your work days when you could have, because you knew she'd be there at some point that day. Sounds like changing days is no longer an option, but that tiny detail takes your preferred response -- leaving her to find her own way from the airport -- out of the realm of "natural consequences" and into "retaliatory."

I think this is how I feel too. You know she's a flake about providing info, you could have taken off the day but didn't pretty much so you could teach her a lesson. I don't get why she doesn't tell you. People are weird. But, like they say, you can't change other people's behavior.

As for being cruel, I mean, you don't live in the middle of the outback or desert, I'm assuming. She'll arrive and take an uber/cab. This is something people do daily, even in countries that are foreign to them. It's not like you're making her flag down a passing donkey cart or something.

[doberbrat]

OP cant take the day off b/c its a new job. She'd have to switch the days which personally, I would hesitate to do also with a new job esp if I dont know there is an absolute need.

I can see how this could be construed as "retaliatory" and frankly, your mom will see it that way. It is ongoing issue and you're not going to change her behavior. At this point, I say make sure you have wine on hand. Perhaps even open a bottle now. If the timing works out that you can pick her up easily, then do so. If its not, she can either wait for you to get there or she can cab/uber to your home.

[DualvansMommy]

First, let me say that I hear your frustration. It's thoughtless and annoying that your mom only provides her trip info at the very last minute. In your shoes, I'd be irritated, too.

That said, it sounds like you know (and have known for several weeks) the exact date upon which your mom is arriving; it's just the specific time you lack. If that's correct, then I think the better course would have been to switch your work days when you could have, because you knew she'd be there at some point that day. Sounds like changing days is no longer an option, but that tiny detail takes your preferred response -- leaving her to find her own way from the airport -- out of the realm of "natural consequences" and into "retaliatory."

At this point, I don't think you have a choice but to let your mom take a shuttle from the airport, but since you contributed to the problem at least a little bit, it would be kind to arrange that transportation for her. At the very least, find the shuttle company and forward her their info and tell her that if she sends her flight time you'll make her a reservation on the shuttle. It saves you from having to take off work, but doesn't leave her entirely high and dry.

I work 2 days in office and another half day out of home per week. I already changed my 2nd day to Thursday so we could all spend Friday down the shore while Mum is in town. So I already maxed out my days I can “swap”

That is another issue. She just booked the dates without running it by me which worked best for me. She is aware I just started a new job, which is why I feel it’s very frustrating, not to mention disrespectful. I can’t take that particular day off or swap because, wouldn’t you know it’s also my supervisors vacation that week so I’m needed to cover for her. I changed my other day when I feasibly could immediately pretty much when I knew of the dates she was staying with us, and I feel that is generous enough as it is, considering the disrespect towards us.

I guess in the past, dates could work any time as I was SAHM with all of her prior visits. But now that is gone. It’s like you said, just tell her to get uber from now on, which she can manage as she is mobile. I don’t live in middle of nowhere, so fortunately for her she has options.


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