Clean out parents’ things if you can

[speo]

You are so lucky that your dad will listen. My parents live 3 hours away in a somewhat isolated mountain community. My dad is a hoarder and collector. I think he has at least 4 times the square footage of OPs dad filled with stuff. He keeps adding to it and will not listen to reason as far as reducing. His collection is made up of many, many items that mostly aren't worth that much separately. But when they are added up, I think his collection is reasonably valuable. I try not to think about it, but this stuff is a weight on me. I could probably spend 2 full years selling off his collection. My sister also lives with them and she too is somewhat of a hoarder. My dad has said he hopes she keeps the stuff for at least 10 years after he dies to make it worth more. Ugh! My mom is not a hoarder and wants this stuff gone. PP mentioned having several closets of stuff. That sounds like pure heaven to me!!

[pinay]

To add to the PSA, try to gently encourage it while your parents are still in good health- my dad is currently dealing with bladder cancer and they live in an almost 4000 square foot home that is stuffed to the gills with random stuff. On top of making sure that he's seeking the appropriate treatments and going to his appointments, I find myself sorting through bills from various time periods, cleaning out my mom's papers from when she retired over 15 years ago, and dreading the thought of dealing with all of it.

[nfceagles]

Tell them if they don’t take care of it themselves when they are in good health, you will burn it all or more realistically just have an company come in and haul it out. Maybe if you convince them you are serious that no one wants their stuff or the burden, they will consider taking care of it.

I jest sort of, but not really. We went through that when DH’s grandmother passed away and we moved his mom to a 1-bedroom apt within a couple years of each other. I couldn’t be more grateful for my mother who is any thing but a hoarder. We moved every 3 years with the military growing up so there’s no huge collections and my mom hates clutter.


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[Globetrotter]

Hugs to everyone who is dealing with this… Before my dad passed away, I spent many visits dealing not only with health issues but also sorting things. Even after getting rid of stuff, which I had to do behind their back half the time, the house is still full of stuff. The most critical thing I did was set up a filing system. My parents are unbelievably disorganized and they had papers from the 1980s! I’m so thankful I took the time to sort out all the paperwork and write down account numbers. When he passed, I had the files but not all the accounts were listed. And for some reason he had over a dozen! Another thing I would strongly recommend is to consolidate their banking accounts now And get power of attorney for not only healthcare but also for these sorts of things. Fortunately they had an up-to-date will and trust.
My mom is living in the house now, and it is still a hoarders paradise. Dreading the task of clearing it. this cartoon sums it up.23BE379B-AEC4-47C6-AB52-F724DD9978CD.jpg

[niccig]

This is not what we had planned for the vacation. Once I realized there was termite damage, there was no other option. Dad’s shed is actually 2400 sq ft. Mum can not clean it out on her own. Once we started on a section, we saw the termite damage is more extensive than we thought (structural). Mum called builder who has done work for them and he’s coming tomorrow. We have to clean out so he can see the damage and then soon repair it. DS and I leave in 4 days so we also have a time crunch. We have to get out things that are heavy or difficult to manage. Mum can hire in help, but that will be costly. There’s also valuable tools in there and we don’t want everything thrown away.

Dad is reluctantly doing this. He’s giving us some difficulty and when he does, I explain his options. 1. Do nothing and shed collapses and he loses everything (not joking, this will happen if it’s left this way for a few more years) 2. We clean it out. 3. I hire strangers to clean it out and they throw most of it away. We’re keeping what is useful to them, and if they can’t use it and it still works, we’ll try to find a home for it. There is a friend about my age who helps mum out around the place now that dad can’t, and he would value and use some of the construction tools. Mum could sell those, but she would rather it go to the friend - we’ve already called him in once so far to help with something we couldn’t do. Most of it is trash - we found a guy that will haul away the trash. Another guy will come take the scrap metal for free. We need it to all go and go quickly. Mum has too much on her plate as it is.

I was reading about hoarders and how they need to be in control, doing it all at once isn’t a good idea, and don’t get mad at them. We’ve messed up all of those. We need to push as we don’t have time to wait. We’ve gotten mad when we realized we’re cleaning out things once owned by neighbor or friends - dad took in everything someone was throwing away, so we’re now spending time/energy/money on other people’s trash. Or mad when we have difficulty moving a car engine, then find out from dad he thinks he has 4 other car engines somewhere in there. Yes, possibly 5 car engines to move. There’s also 5 pallet boxes full of wood off-cuts - some from when they built the house 30 years ago. Mmmm wonder why he’s got a termite problem?!?!

Mum doesn’t want to do this either. She’s been putting off this battle with Dad, but said she’s relieved it’s happening, though worried about the repair costs. I heard her tell dad they would be “stuffed right now” if DS and I weren’t here to help. I do think it helps there’s a united front from Mum and me, my 2 sisters are also in agreement though neither of them are here to help. DS isn’t always eager to help, there’s been some cajoling by me, but he does understand it’s us or his granny has to do it by herself. I’m being careful with what he does - Some areas he’s not to go or only after Mum and I have checked it out and told him what he’s to do. We need his strength, so he has to help, even when he doesn’t want to help.

I am glad we’re forced to do it now. I read an article by someone saying they cleaned up after relative died and their grief was very difficult because of anger at family member for leaving it all to them to do at same time as mourning their loss. I can see that would happen with us - there is so much waste in the shed (unopened items, tools never used, wood items disintegrated by termites) and the energy to clean it up (3 days so far). So if you can get family to clean up, do it now!

Thanks for the hugs, commiserations and letting me vent. I haven’t had much chance to talk with DH last few days.

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[ChicagoNDMom]

Me and my siblings had to clean out our very large childhood home when my parent needed to move to assisted living and it was a nightmare that has led to lingering bad feelings. We are talking 55 years of college alumni magazines, 55 years of National Geographics, everything that all the kids left in the basement storage room when they got their first apartment, etc. You get the picture. What was heartbreaking is that now, 4 years after we had to move them to a safer living environment, my Mom wishes she had a few special things that were donated/trashed in the heat of the moment. If she/we had started the clean out process earlier, it could have been done thoughtfully/at a reasonable pace.

Don’t wait!!!

[niccig]

Were trying to not toss everything, but it’s difficult not to as there’s so much to go through. Today was difficult, we’re already tired and had heavy things to move (wood, tyres). We’re over half-way though. Tomorrow is more a sorting of smaller things, so I’ll give DS more of a break. We have deadline of Monday for trash pick up so need to get as much ready as we can.

My younger sister is visiting in about 2 weeks, so she’ll keep helping Mum then. Hoping the repairs will be after my sister leaves, so Mum doesn’t have to do it in between on her own. Some she could do, but knowing her she’ll do too much on her own.

Ugh... I am not doing this to DS. It’s awful. I’m sure it’s awful for dad too. He said he’s devastated and relieved. Hard to see it go, but knows he couldn’t do it in his own. He’s been shocked at how bad termites have been.


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