My dad might end up homeless

[BunnyBee]

I think you are an attorney, I am one too but not in elder law. I’ve never even heard of someone being responsible for adult parent unless you sign a lease for them etc. I’d love to know more if you have info as that is scary! But for OP, I’m not religious but agree she has a duty to protect her kids and herself. He hasn’t asked for her help, he’s an adult and can make his own decisions and has benefited from the niceness of his children despite his behavior. It is a grief process though. I wouldn’t get involved except to ask your brother if he knows if there is a plan. And I would consider talking to someone, a counselor or MSW, to work through the grief and guilt. I’m sorry, you are a nice person and it is good to care but you can’t save him and you need to protect yourself.


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The brother evicting him from the house would be the one I'd worry about if anyone. There are laws on the books in about 30 states. We looked into it a bit in ours because we are estranged from DH's parents and did not want to ever be saddled with their crazy butts. We've talked to a couple of family lawyers who have given us advice in our state. Generally speaking, the laws are very rarely enforced. Just thought I would mention it as another reason for her to be very careful in getting involved again.

[California]

Raising your kids in a healthy way is a gift to future generations of your family. Not continuing patterns of abuse is hard, hard work. It takes dedication and strength. Some part of your dad may have known all these years that he was abusive and he couldn't figure out then, or now, how to stop it. Yet here you are, loving your family and caring for your kids. You are doing what he couldn't do. And that is going to impact how your kids raise their kids, and on and on. You've done something amazing. Sounds like you consider it your ministry. It's where God is working through you to pour blessings on your family. Remember that when you start to doubt yourself.

[hbridge]

I just looked up Filial Laws... Ugh... That is actually terrifying when a parent has made bad financial choices for years, the children can be responsible?!?!?

We are approaching a similar situation with a couple of family members and it is heartbreaking! The emotions that come up are raw and so HARD!! Protect yourself and your family as much as you need to.

Hopefully your brother will make the decisions that are right for him and you can find some peace!

[anonomom]

I know it's been a while since you posted, but I just saw this and couldn't not reply.

first off, hugs. I've been in a similar situation -- having grown up with abusive parents and feeling that tug between wanting to wash your hands of them and the idea that they're still family, no matter how poor of an excuse for one. It's difficult and heartwrenching every time you have to make one of these decisions.

Before you have any contact with your dad, I'd kind of sit down with yourself (or even a disinterested counselor) and decide what you feel you can give him and what boundaries you need to protect yourself. That may mean referring him to elder services, as others have recommended, or helping him secure residential nursing care if they accept medicaid. Or it may mean sending him a packet of info on those options and letting him take care of it himself, or even doing nothing at all.

Just keep in mind, there's no way out of this situation without hurting in some way. Either you help your dad and open yourself up to his abuse and disregard (as well as financial risk), or you don't and you feel guilty. But, unlike when you were a child, you at least have some control over what kind of hurt you suffer. You can decide which you'd rather go through. It sounds perverse, but there's some freedom in that.