Apologize for past behavior?

[PunkyBoo]

I will be attending a college reunion event in a few weeks. I've seen the list of people registered and see that an old friend (I'll call her R) will also be in attendance. She and I were close in college, and after graduation we occasionally got together with our husbands.

After I had DS1, I had a very hard time adjusting to motherhood. In hindsight it is clear to me that I had PPD for at least 2-3 years, but at the time I didn't know I was that bad. I just knew it all seemed so very hard for me. When DS1 was probably around 1, we drove up to see R and her sons, one was probably 2-3 and the other was around my son's age. The drive is about 35 miles, but their house is in a part of town that is known to have obnoxiously bad traffic so it took us about 1.5 hours to get there. I was frazzled when we arrived, to say the least. She was having some work done to their floors, so she took us to a little guest house in their backyard that was used as a playroom. She ended up having to deal with the flooring contractor for a large amount of time, so I was in the play house with my son, her boys, and a housekeeper/ nanny that didn't speak English. After an hour or so, we all went inside and had lunch together (including R), and the kids played a bit. She apologized for having us on a day that ended up not being very convenient- she'd thought the work would be completed by then. I felt really stressed out being there but tried to be thankful for the time with her. In talking over lunch, she told me about seeing a couple mutual friends, and I said some snippy, not nice things about them. It was immature and I was having a rough time, so I said some things I should have kept to myself. I'd also obnoxiously complained about the awful traffic getting there, and even said I hate her part of town because of traffic and crowding.

I haven't seen her since that day, probably 12or 13 years ago. We've sent each other Christmas cards every year, but that's it. I didn't realize I'd probably had undiagnosed PPD until several years later. I'm not excusing my bad guest behavior, but I was really not in a good place at that time. I will be seeing R (and the mutual friend I'd bad-mouthed) at the reunion. Should I apologize that night when I see her? Try to get in touch with her before the event to apologize? Or just let it go?


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[pinkmomagain]

Maybe send her a note saying that you are looking forward to seeing her after so many years, especially after your last visit together. Maybe share that you've always had regrets about how it went and would love to apologize and catch up a bit before the reunion. Would it be okay to call?

I had a best friend who kind of went MIA for many years. When we reconnected, she shared that she had been going through a rough time (divorce) for awhile and apologized for not being in a good place to connect at the time. I really appreciated that she acknowledged that time and we have kept in touch and see each other occasionally since.

[123LuckyMom]

Maybe send her a note saying that you are looking forward to seeing her after so many years, especially after your last visit together. Maybe share that you've always had regrets about how it went and would love to apologize and catch up a bit before the reunion. Would it be okay to call?

I had a best friend who kind of went MIA for many years. When we reconnected, she shared that she had been going through a rough time (divorce) for awhile and apologized for not being in a good place to connect at the time. I really appreciated that she acknowledged that time and we have kept in touch and see each other occasionally since.

Yes. Exactly.


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[khm]

Yeah, I wouldn't rehash the details re: traffic or remodeling or whatever. pinkmomagain's wording sounds good to me!

[AnnieW625]

I don’t think I would bring it up because you don’t want her to think you are stuck in the past. People with kids are equally busy, and it was so much easier to get together when the kids were toddlers. Ask how her kids are doing. I don’t think people hold grudges for 12 or 13 years or at least I hope they don’t.

In my life I am soo bad about keeping in touch with people....always have been and probably always will be. I am beyond happy to keep up with people on FB or sending Christmas cards every year. I haven’t seen my best friends from childhood in person in over a year, which pre kids would have been beyond depressing but we all have kids between the ages of 3 and 12 (DD1 is the oldest by 3 years, and I am the only one who doesn’t have a kid who is younger than 6). The closest one lives 35 minutes away.

Also everyone makes snippy comments about LA traffic and people who live too close together.

Good luck, and have fun!


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[magnoliaparadise]

I thought you were going to say that you had an out and out fight with R!! I didn't think your behavior was THAT bad, certainly not bad enough to warrant R possibly having cut off the friendship.

If I were R and my friend had a one year old and I hadn't seen her for awhile and then I invited her over, knew it took her a long car ride to get to me, and gave her very little of my time, honestly, I'd feel badly.

I know that R had a good excuse with the flooring people and very kindly apologized, which she didn't need to; I'm not saying R was in the wrong. I'm just saying that I honestly don't think you did something SO wrong either. So, you said bad things about friends and complained about her neighborhood. Not great, but you were a new mother - normal even if you didn't have PPD!!

If I were R, I would have just chalked it up to you being in a bad mood or being overwhelmed as a new mom. I would have followed up to see how you were and if everything were ok - particularly since you had shlepped all that way to see me. So... she could have made an effort, too.

If you want to apologize, that's ok (you could say: 'I remember the last time we spoke and remember that I was in a bad place and always wished I had followed up and kept in touch because I value your friendship so much.'). You could even say that you realize now that you had PPD when you saw her and always wanted to tell her that.

But I would not go into great detail and I would keep it short. She may not even remember everything. UNLESS you feel like R really holds grudges and you really want to overcome that and it's worth it to you to fall on your sword over this... but I can't imagine R would need a full on apology for the scenario you mentioned to re-start a friendship.

And I say this all with the background that I, actually, AM usually one to make apologies and go into details when I think I've done something wrong. But in this situation, I just don't think details are necessary.

I do think it might be nice to text and ask if she has time to talk before you see each other so you clear the air - for yourself - before the reunion.

One last thing... IMHO, sometimes friendships just drift and fall apart, even the best ones, even when both people actually had a great time when together, and even, sadly, ones that are relatively close geographically. It's not personal (though I agree that it feels so personal and sucks in it's own right). So R and you may have broken your friendship anyway. Maybe from R's perspective, life got busy, she had two kids, and vroom, suddenly 10 or 20 years have passed and she hasn't seen you. That's all. Not a story of 'yuck, the last time I saw PunkyBoo, she really acted horribly and made me decide not to be friends with her.' I just don't think so from what you shared. You just weren't that awful to warrant a breaking off of a friendship.