Bat Mitzvah help!

[twowhat?]

My girls (13) were invited to a schoolmate's Bat Mitzvah. They're super excited about it, I'm so glad for the opportunity for them to experience it...and we're a little lost on what to do/expect. I have questions!!! They are pretty good friends with this classmate, though she's not part of their closest group of friends. I would say she's a step up from just a classroom acquaintance.

The RSVP has a checkbox for 3 things: Attend Ceremony, Attend Luncheon, Attend Party. The ceremony starts at 10am...the party looks like it starts at 6pm and is in a different location. What should they reasonably attend? How long do each of these things last? If they go to all 3, do I just arrive at the end of one event and shuttle them to the next?

What do they wear? I assume "church-appropriate" clothing for the ceremony/lunch and "party attire" for the party? DD2 hates dresses so we're looking at pants or a pantsuit/dressy jumpsuit...is that appropriate? Do people usually wear something different to the ceremony/lunch vs the party? If they go to the party, is it assumed they'll have dinner or otherwise snack enough to be a dinner?

What do they bring to each event? Do the gifts get brought to the ceremony? Or the lunch or party? And I have zero idea what gifts are appropriate other than that cash I think is always appreciated? Can we do cash and a fun token gift (something small and fun)? Or is it easier to just do cash? If cash, is it usually presented in a card?

What should they expect for the events they attend? Will they be able to just follow along and copy what everyone else is doing? If anyone has a recommended reading source/webpage that's geared towards young adults on what to expect, that would be awesome!

There should be some other classmates there, though not sure how many. I'm guessing at least a couple or a few other classmates will attend, but not sure if they will attend one or all events.

Help please!

[Tenasparkl]

The ones we've attended recently have had the luncheon at the same location as the service. We then went home and changed for the evening party. You can wear the same thing, but the party looks tend to be more fun that the more traditional clothing for the service.

If you do money for a gift it should be in multiples of 18. I like to bring it to the service so I don't forget, but you can usually do either.

[JustMe]

Well, even though I am Jewish it has been a while since I attended a Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah, so I will do my best to answer some of your questions.

-Regarding the events, they can attend whichever they want and I encourage them to attend them all unless there is a time conflict or something they dont want to do. They are as they sound -- there shouldnt be a need for them to read anything to follow along; they will mostly be listening/watching during the ceremony (I dont even remember if there are prayers/blessings that everyone says, but while they can be read, many people will likely not know how to say them and it will not be noticeable/is expected), will eat during the luncheon, and have a great time having fun at the party. I dont know of any websites, but honestly I dont think they need to prepare; there will not be a lot asked of them and since they will have other classmates there I am sure they will be fine.

Pants are fine; at the last events I have attended the 3 events were not so separated, so people did wear the same thing, but it is not uncommon for the kids especially to rid themselves of more fancy attire and go to more casual for the party. I would just recommend some relatively dressy clothes that they are comfortalble in for everything.

Not sure about shuttling from one event to the other - they are not always at different locations, so that is somewhat individualized. I would have your kids ask their friend and/or talk with other parents about car pooling if no other option is available.

Traditional gift is money in denominations of $18 ($18 , $36, $54) or anything else). People which denomination and it is really whatever you think makes sense given your relationship.

[erosenst]

Answering questions in order...

The RSVP has a checkbox for 3 things: Attend Ceremony, Attend Luncheon, Attend Party. The ceremony starts at 10am...the party looks like it starts at 6pm and is in a different location. What should they reasonably attend? How long do each of these things last? If they go to all 3, do I just arrive at the end of one event and shuttle them to the next?

They should attend at least the ceremony if they are attending the party. (Most Jewish parents require service attendance if they plan to go to the party, unless they have an unavoidable conflict. One mom texted me to let me know that her DS couldn't attend the ceremony because of a game conflict, but was hoping it was ok for him to attend the party/they were making an exception to their house rule because their son and DD were more than 'classroom' friends.) Lunch is likely at the same place as the ceremony, and will usually be relatively quick and a light buffet. If it's at a temple/synagogue, you can call in advance and the office should be able to give you an approximate pickup time after lunch. If the ceremony starts at 10, 12:30 (ish) is probably about right for pickup - I could be off quite a bit but it won't be 2:00 or later.

What do they wear? I assume "church-appropriate" clothing for the ceremony/lunch and "party attire" for the party? DD2 hates dresses so we're looking at pants or a pantsuit/dressy jumpsuit...is that appropriate? Do people usually wear something different to the ceremony/lunch vs the party? If they go to the party, is it assumed they'll have dinner or otherwise snack enough to be a dinner?

If they invitation doesn't specify, then yes, 'church appropriate'. While most of the girls will wear skirts/dresses to the ceremony/lynch, nice pants and top are fine as well. If the invitation doesn't specify a dress code, dress as she might for a birthday party at that venue. If it's still unclear, it's fine to text the mom if you know how to reach her and ask about attire. There will definitely be dinner of some form there if it starts at 6.

What do they bring to each event? Do the gifts get brought to the ceremony? Or the lunch or party? And I have zero idea what gifts are appropriate other than that cash I think is always appreciated? Can we do cash and a fun token gift (something small and fun)? Or is it easier to just do cash? If cash, is it usually presented in a card.

Take the gift to the party, not the synagogue. There will be a place to put it. The majority of gifts will be cash/check/gift cards in a card. You don't need to find a Bat Mitzvah card - any appropriate 'congratulations' is fine. Having said that - most large card displays will have at least one Bat Mitzvah card and Hallmark stores almost always have them. Other option is the gift shop at a synagogue if there's one near you - call for hours. In most of the country, the standard amount is "a bit nicer than a normal birthday gift". The standard 'friend bday gift' here is $15-20, and the majority of DD's gifts were $25 or $36. (As a prior poster said, it's nice to do in increments of $18 - the Hebrew word for 18 and life are the same and it's considered good luck.) It's fine but not necessary to include a smaller token too. It doesn't sound like this is the case - but if money is an issue $18 is a perfectly fine gift and DD got some of those; $36 is 'nicely generous' for a friend. If you live on either coast, parts of Chicago, and maybe one or two other places the standard gift is much much more - let me know if that's the case and I can help you navigate.

What should they expect for the events they attend? Will they be able to just follow along and copy what everyone else is doing? If anyone has a recommended reading source/webpage that's geared towards young adults on what to expect, that would be awesome

She should be reminded to behave at the service, even if her friends are not, as she would at church if you were sitting there. (In full disclosure, if kids are misbehaving it's usually the Jewish ones sigh.) Unless it violates your religious beliefs, out of respect she should stand when the congregation is asked to stand. She will be able to follow along with the English in a prayer book or specially prepared pamphlet for the service. She can just listen respectfully to the Hebrew. Most kids are impressed with how much of the service their friend will be leading.

Hope this helps - happy to answer other questions!!

[Philly Mom]

Answering questions in order...

The RSVP has a checkbox for 3 things: Attend Ceremony, Attend Luncheon, Attend Party. The ceremony starts at 10am...the party looks like it starts at 6pm and is in a different location. What should they reasonably attend? How long do each of these things last? If they go to all 3, do I just arrive at the end of one event and shuttle them to the next?

They should attend at least the ceremony if they are attending the party. (Most Jewish parents require service attendance if they plan to go to the party, unless they have an unavoidable conflict. One mom texted me to let me know that her DS couldn't attend the ceremony because of a game conflict, but was hoping it was ok for him to attend the party/they were making an exception to their house rule because their son and DD were more than 'classroom' friends.) Lunch is likely at the same place as the ceremony, and will usually be relatively quick and a light buffet. If it's at a temple/synagogue, you can call in advance and the office should be able to give you an approximate pickup time after lunch. If the ceremony starts at 10, 12:30 (ish) is probably about right for pickup - I could be off quite a bit but it won't be 2:00 or later.

What do they wear? I assume "church-appropriate" clothing for the ceremony/lunch and "party attire" for the party? DD2 hates dresses so we're looking at pants or a pantsuit/dressy jumpsuit...is that appropriate? Do people usually wear something different to the ceremony/lunch vs the party? If they go to the party, is it assumed they'll have dinner or otherwise snack enough to be a dinner?

If they invitation doesn't specify, then yes, 'church appropriate'. While most of the girls will wear skirts/dresses to the ceremony/lynch, nice pants and top are fine as well. If the invitation doesn't specify a dress code, dress as she might for a birthday party at that venue. If it's still unclear, it's fine to text the mom if you know how to reach her and ask about attire. There will definitely be dinner of some form there if it starts at 6.

What do they bring to each event? Do the gifts get brought to the ceremony? Or the lunch or party? And I have zero idea what gifts are appropriate other than that cash I think is always appreciated? Can we do cash and a fun token gift (something small and fun)? Or is it easier to just do cash? If cash, is it usually presented in a card.

Take the gift to the party, not the synagogue. There will be a place to put it. The majority of gifts will be cash/check/gift cards in a card. You don't need to find a Bat Mitzvah card - any appropriate 'congratulations' is fine. Having said that - most large card displays will have at least one Bat Mitzvah card and Hallmark stores almost always have them. Other option is the gift shop at a synagogue if there's one near you - call for hours. In most of the country, the standard amount is "a bit nicer than a normal birthday gift". The standard 'friend bday gift' here is $15-20, and the majority of DD's gifts were $25 or $36. (As a prior poster said, it's nice to do in increments of $18 - the Hebrew word for 18 and life are the same and it's considered good luck.) It's fine but not necessary to include a smaller token too. It doesn't sound like this is the case - but if money is an issue $18 is a perfectly fine gift and DD got some of those; $36 is 'nicely generous' for a friend. If you live on either coast, parts of Chicago, and maybe one or two other places the standard gift is much much more - let me know if that's the case and I can help you navigate.

What should they expect for the events they attend? Will they be able to just follow along and copy what everyone else is doing? If anyone has a recommended reading source/webpage that's geared towards young adults on what to expect, that would be awesome

She should be reminded to behave at the service, even if her friends are not, as she would at church if you were sitting there. (In full disclosure, if kids are misbehaving it's usually the Jewish ones sigh.) Unless it violates your religious beliefs, out of respect she should stand when the congregation is asked to stand. She will be able to follow along with the English in a prayer book or specially prepared pamphlet for the service. She can just listen respectfully to the Hebrew. Most kids are impressed with how much of the service their friend will be leading.

Hope this helps - happy to answer other questions!!

I think this answers things well. For my synagogue, clothes are really anything goes and lots of kids, even girls, can wear pants. Heck, I wear black yoga pants regularly to Shabbat services. I do dress nicer when I know the kid or am invited to the event. I would ask around for the style for that synagogue. Other synagogues, require you to be very dressed.

I agree with a multiple of $18. $36 being the most common. For better friends, $54.

[lizzywednesday]

...I would ask around for the style for that synagogue. Other synagogues, require you to be very dressed.

My friends' shul is very dressy, so when I attended their son's bar mitzvah several years ago, I made it a point to dress up so I would fit in. I attended the services and didn't think it mattered that I didn't understand Hebrew because I saw connections to my own traditions (I'm an extremely lapsed, lapsed Catholic), which were followed by a (catered) luncheon at the shul ... and then an "afterparty" at my friends' home (to which I asked DH to bring DD because there were a ton of kids her age there all playing together.)

Because they're (Modern) Orthodox, I did ask them if their shul/rabbi expected married women to cover their hair; they said no, I didn't have to, but I don't think this will apply to OP's situation.

I agree with a multiple of $18. $36 being the most common. For better friends, $54.

Agree 100% with this.

twowhat? you may find this "what should a bar/bat mitzvah guest do" from My Jewish Learning helpful: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/art...needs-to-know/

[twowhat?]

Thank you all! This is SUPER helpful. Thank you, erosenst for the detailed response. I just looked again at you're right, the ceremony/lunch is at the synagogue and then the party in the evening is at a hotel. "Party chic" attire is what the invitation says...that should be fun. We just filled out the rsvp and will mail it off tomorrow!

eta: looking for fun cards...

https://www.lovepop.com/products/gol...ee-pop-up-card
or
https://www.lovepop.com/products/bat...ah-pop-up-card

I think the tree is a lot prettier but also not sure if it's too "holiday-ish"? Or maybe I could pick one of the "congratulations" type cards like this? https://www.lovepop.com/products/congrats-bouquet

Or...the invitation had a butterfly theme so a blank card like this? https://www.lovepop.com/products/blu...ho-pop-up-card

[erosenst]

If the party is at a hotel (especially if at a nicer hotel) and attire is party chic, people will likely be DRESSED. Think evening wedding that requests cocktail attire. Your daughter can find something that fits her style that is really pretty dressy.

The butterfly card is perfect if that is related to her theme. The Bat Mitzvah one is my second choice as it’s clear it was purchased for this occasion.

Especially since attire was specified for the evening, you can safely assume it’s not being held at a modern orthodox or more traditional conservative synagogue. Both would request shoulders covered and maybe “modest dress” or similar - and *may* have been not so happy with your daughter in pants. Reform or less traditional conservative will have zero issue with this.

Hope it’s fun!!


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[twowhat?]

If the party is at a hotel (especially if at a nicer hotel) and attire is party chic, people will likely be DRESSED. Think evening wedding that requests cocktail attire. Your daughter can find something that fits her style that is really pretty dressy.

The butterfly card is perfect if that is related to her theme. The Bat Mitzvah one is my second choice as it’s clear it was purchased for this occasion.

Especially since attire was specified for the evening, you can safely assume it’s not being held at a modern orthodox or more traditional conservative synagogue. Both would request shoulders covered and maybe “modest dress” or similar - and *may* have been not so happy with your daughter in pants. Reform or less traditional conservative will have zero issue with this.

Hope it’s fun!!


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Thank you! This is helpful. The party is at a nicer hotel...so we will look for something pretty dressy for that...and I was leaning towards the butterfly card so I will get that!

[maydaymommy]

I know this was from a week ago, but I just wanted to add that the girls’ party dresses are VERY short. I can only remember one Mitzvah party at which that wasn’t the case in the past 7 or 8 years. Girls (and boys) often take off their shoes & put on socks that are provided. When it’s their party, many girls wear a type of dress like a mini-strapless-sparkly ballgown. Friends wear little black dresses. Among my own friends, Party Chic still means cocktail attire, but a tiny bit sleeker, with more leeway for jumpsuits.

I’m sure your girls will have a blast! One way to get an idea of what a lot of parties are like is to think of it as a wedding reception, with add-ons for kids. At most, there is a mixture of fun adult music & things kids like. Almost always s there is a DJ who runs games for the kids, with the help of “dancers” who are considered to be “party motivators.” There will certainly be enough food to cover dinner! Usually the kid’s cocktail hour is separate from the adults’, and there’s different kids food, either served or a buffet during the main meal.

Encourage them to read the English in the prayer book during the service. Many versions contain a modern commentary on the prayers.