Helping DD (3rd grade)

[echoesofspring]

Something broke inside DD during the pandemic and I'm hoping the board can help me figure out what to do. I'm trying to assess how concerned to be about her mental health and atm the top priority is figuring out what to do about school.

DD (9 , 3rd grade) attends a Spanish immersion school. In kinder and 1st she was an excellent student who loved school and learning Spanish, she'd get the 'all the awards' kind of awards, etc., she'd come home proud of her work, do all the little extra projects, etc.. Neither my husband and I speak Spanish, and during the pandemic everything in Spanish became this real chore for her, she lost her love of learning it and started ignoring it . It was so sad to see b/c she had been so proud of it before. We tried all sorts of things to respark her enthusiasm but couldn't and when school started last year (2nd grade) she was below grade level. We hired a tutor for a couple months and she got caught up now but the damage psychologically had been done. Now she hates Spanish and hates her school and it's all our fault because we forced her to go to this school. She started complaining of stomach aches and anxiety (she uses that word) about school last year. I hoped things would get better this year but she doesn't seem any happier. I reached out to the school last year for some mental health resources and supposedly a counselor came to observe her in class, but I never heard anything and honestly I'm sure she seemed fine in class and I hated to pursue it further w/the school b/c I know there are many many children who are struggling to have their food/clothing/shelter/safety needs met at this school. .

She's bored with most of the academics, she's in GATE but it's just one hour a week. She complains about the classroom being unruly and giving her headaches (31 kids). The school infra is decrepit, sometimes I pick her up and she hasn't used the bathroom b/c it's just too gross. (I know this isn't just her b/c the facilities mgr for the district brought it up at a recent school board mtg). With the physical symptoms I can't tell if they are genuine but caused by stress or she's just trying to get some sympathy,. A couple weeks ago she called before lunch and said she had a "mental breakdown". Such a concerning phrase to hear your 9yr old say... I talked to the teacher a little bit, it's not clear to me exactly what happened it sounded like a combination of DD being really really frustrated at how bored she was with the material and how long it took the class to settle down and she just couldn't take it any more. I'm not sure if she was crying but I know she went over to a corner in the room and the teacher told people to leave her alone. In general she's quick to anger with me or DH which I take as a sign of underlying stress/unhappiness/frustration (started in the pandemic).

Her work is ...ok. She whips off math homework and is happy to read in English (Harry potter) but puts in the bare minimum for Spanish reading and writing in both languages. In our conf last week her teacher said she was almost at grade level for Spanish, but didn't seem concerned and that all the kids were struggling with writing and had lost their stamina.

Her campus will close for renovations next year, she'll likely end up spending the last 2 years of elementary in portables and or maybe if we're lucky 1 year in a portables and then 1 year in another campus (they're moving the immersion program out of this neighborhood school to a different campus), all dependent on construction. Given the upcoming disruption combined with her unhappiness I'm thinking maybe it's time to try a different environment. There are 2 other elementary schools in the district she could go to I think, plus a nearby charter that didn't work for DS but might for her, and a couple private schools we might consider in the towns over. (20-30 min away)

My two concerns about pulling her out are a) she has a million friends at school, but she is very social so maybe that's not an issue, she seems to make friends at every camp or activity she does. I do worry a little bit about starting someplace new and being picked on/bullied - she's quite big for her size, tall and she's put on quite a bit of weight over the last few years which is something we're working on but isn't easily solved. It makes it difficult to find flattering clothes. In general she's just not that concerned about her appearance, which is fine except it's a struggle to get her to even brush her hair.

Another issue is whether she'll be academically behind if we change schools - a friend that subbed in 2nd grade at the school all of last year and had 2 children go through it said that typically they are behind on academics until 3rd grade b/c of the immersion focus but in 3rd grade they catch up. As a parent I've never been told this so I have no idea how pandemic has affected that and maybe it's ok for her to be a bit behind and be challenged. If we pull her out, maybe that's an argument for getting in her into a new school asap instead of at the new year so she has a chance to catch up.

Today's the nurse called to mention a rash on her arms (we already knew about) and mentioned she had been in on Monday about a stomach ache (didn't know about that). We're struggling to adjust to DST but I don't think that's it, she gets stomach aches frequently on Mondays and has missed several Mondays of school this year b/c she was so upset/complaining about feeling sick. Something about this call was just a tipping point for DH and I and we've started discussing what we can do for her. I have a call in to the teacher to see if we can discuss the situation and I wondered if there are any changes I could ask for her w/in the classroom before we look at pulling her out. I'd love your ideas/advice on what to ask for and how to think about moving her someplace else. Thank you so much I'm kind of at a loss...

[PunkyBoo]

I'm sorry. Big hug to you. I've been there with unhappy/unsuccessful child in the school environment. Is there a guidance counselor at this school that you can meet with? That's where I'd start, and lay it out there. But it also sounds to me like this school is no longer a good fit for her.

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[Green_Tea]

How extremely stressful for you and your DD. There is a lot to consider but what really jumped out at me is 31 kids in a class. I am a teacher and that sounds like an absolute nightmare. It’s just too many kids. I know in other states it may be the norm. It sounds like she is not getting the differentiation she needs in such a big class. I would consider changing schools but also working on managing anxiety with an outside therapist to ease the transition.

[AnnieW625]

I would ask her if she wants to go to a new school, if that is an option. Maybe she doesn’t want to deal
with the added stress of Spanish immersion. Maybe there is a friend issue going on that she doesn’t want to talk about as well.

I think a ton of stuff changes in 3rd and 4th grade including hormones. Dd2 started puberty at 9 years old so 4th grade (round 1; she repeated in 20-21) which was hard for her even before Covid wasn’t made any easier by puberty.

Kids are super aware of mental health issues and I would ask her what brought that on. Maybe she heard someone else say they had a mental health crisis and repeated it because she thought that was what was really happening. I used to get stress headaches as well, but not until high school. I learned to pace myself and plan things better and not procrastinate and it helped me manage them.

The not going to the bathroom thing would concern me honestly, but if the portable classrooms come equipped with bathrooms then that would be a positive. Dd2 was in portable classrooms for 3rd and 4th grade and they made zero impact on her day other than the walls were thin.

The rash could be eczema or a possibility of strep throat. I used to get a rash when I was a kid every time I got strep., and feel like it happened with one of my kids. Stomach aches can also be related to strep. .

Sadly in California 31 kids is the norm.; it has been since they cut the K-5 funding of class size reduction programs during the last budget crisis about 10 years ago.

Current California Class Sizes

Class Size Reduction Program Unraveling in 2012

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[MSWR0319]

When DS was younger he had similar triggers. He always had stomach aches at school and all of the unruly kids drove him nuts. The only thing that helped him was change of environment. There's a lot going on at that age hormone wise as well. I have a 9 year old DS and he's a hot mess. If I hadn't been through it with DS1 I would wonder what on earth was going on (I did wonder that with DS1). Maybe ask her what she would like if you're willing to discuss with her. I don't think you're wrong to change schools, but I also don't think you're wrong if you want to try and work on a solution.

[candaceb]

With 31 kids in the classroom, I don't think the teacher is going to be able to do anything differently to help her. It sounds like she has no real challenges in school so even if she's a bit behind in curriculum she could probably catch up easily. I would do whatever you can to get her out of there, as long as she is on board with that plan. It sounds like she is very aware of her emotions and mental state so she should be able to tell you if switching schools is something she wants to do.

[KpbS]

Honestly if she were mine, I would pull her tomorrow.
The classroom doesn’t sound like a good fit for your DD. Too large, too much Spanish, too unruly, dilapidated building….
She sounds very stressed and in need of a total change.
I would look for a much smaller class size (maybe private school?) and say it was a good run with the Spanish. She can always pick it up later no problem. Her mental health is far more important. Frequent stomachaches are a very common symptom of anxiety in kids.
I would take her to a counselor to talk things through, start her in some type of new extra curricular activity with lots of movement (to help with weight snd stress relief like martial arts, running club, soccer, etc) and find a new school ASAP. Let her take off Th and Fri and start fresh on Monday.

[ChicagoNDMom]

Agree with KpbS entirely.

Sending hugs and prayers for this tough situation.

[gatorsmom]

Honestly if she were mine, I would pull her tomorrow.
The classroom doesn’t sound like a good fit for your DD. Too large, too much Spanish, too unruly, dilapidated building….
She sounds very stressed and in need of a total change.
I would look for a much smaller class size (maybe private school?) and say it was a good run with the Spanish. She can always pick it up later no problem. Her mental health is far more important. Frequent stomachaches are a very common symptom of anxiety in kids.
I would take her to a counselor to talk things through, start her in some type of new extra curricular activity with lots of movement (to help with weight snd stress relief like martial arts, running club, soccer, etc) and find a new school ASAP. Let her take off Th and Fri and start fresh on Monday.

Im late to this discussion but I agree with this. Great advice here. Maybe start with some tours of other schools and student shadowing for a day at some other schools. That could either give her hope for what else is possible or give her a sense of appreciation for what she currently has.

Hugs to you both.

[DualvansMommy]

What was the reasoning behind putting her in immersion program school when both of you don’t speak Spanish? Does that mean the entire teaching is in Spanish?

I would totally pull her out and try the other local elementary schools. Agree with others that 31 kids in the classroom probably means she is not getting enough differentiation to keep her engaged. That’s on top of the unruly kids, which I can sympathize with as my 5th grader is dealing with two very unruly kids in his class; total physical disruptions, outbursts loud enough to get rest of class to leave, etc. and that’s just with 2 kids in his class of 18 kids. So I can’t imagine how a class of 31 look like. Also sound like they don’t have enough resources overall. I wouldn’t be so worried about social aspect, as 3rd grade is still good grade/age to move around before getting too settled with middle/HS.


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