Shiva basics

[jacksmomtobe]

So a Mom I know who is Jewish passed away so there will be a Shiva tomorrow at her home. I would like to attend so could someone tell me the basics. I googled a bit and it mentioned bringing food, is there any type of food to bring or not bring? Any pointers would be appreciated. I don’t want to do anything inadvertently disrespectful.

Thank you,
Kim

[JustMe]

So, yes, bringing food is part of it. A lot of people tend to bring sweets and, while there is nothing wrong with that, if you are able to, anything that is more meal-like or substantial would probably be appreciated...but sweets are fine as well. Most Jewish Americans are not kosher, so if you have not heard that they are, I would assume they are not and the only food things I would stay away from are things that mix dairy and meat (in fact something vegetarian would help you avoid this concern) and nothing with pork/pig..not all Jews follow these rules but a significant amount do.

The actual Shiva is just sitting around talking for the most part...visitors come and go as they wish...sometimes the family will have mirrors covered because that is a related custom, but in general it will be similar to visiting someone with a lot of others there shortly after someone dies.

[Philly Mom]

Honestly, I don't think you need to bring anything. There will be lots of food there. Most of the time, I just walk in and say hi and chat with people. Listen to stories. It can be kind of joyful and funny. It is a lovely way to remember a loved one.

[erosenst]

Honestly, I don't think you need to bring anything. There will be lots of food there. Most of the time, I just walk in and say hi and chat with people. Listen to stories. It can be kind of joyful and funny. It is a lovely way to remember a loved one.

Agree with this, especially if you don't know local customs. Where I grew up, there were 'food ladies' (close friends usually) who coordinated food for both meals and shiva for the week. Without this, in that community, there would have been endless food that overran the freezer and fridge and created more stress than it was worth.

Where my grandparents lived no one brought ANYTHING. I had to run out and get stuff for shiva.

If it appears most arrive bearing food, make a note to send something in a couple weeks when the initial flurry has died down and they still need to eat.

Other things, depending on level of observance:
* The mirrors may be covered
* The men may be unshaven
* As Philly Mom mentioned, there may be a lot of 'telling of stories'. It's a kindness to listen, especially if they are rambling.
* There may be a short service
* It sounds like you know this, but don't take/send flowers
* The traditional expression of sympathy is "may her memory be a blessing" rather than "may she rest in peace" or "she's with G-d" etc

And I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Zansu]

Depending on the time of day you visit, there may be a short prayer service.