How to pull down a wall?

[BabyBearsMom]

I think I am losing my mind. DH and I wanted to get pregnant badly when we got pg with this baby. And we were ecstatic when it happened. Then we started having the two severe bleeding episodes. Having lived through a prior miscarriage, I started mentally separating myself from the baby. I essentially mentally prepared myself as if we were having a miscarriage. I convinced myself that DD was all I really needed and a second baby would just ruin the good thing we have with our little family of 3.

Well here we are, 18 weeks in and I should be relieved. We are closing in on viability, the likelihood of miscarriage is shrinking, and my doctors seem relieved and very positive about the baby. But now I can't reconnect with the baby. DH is trying to re-engage me, but when he asks about plans for the nursery, my thoughts are "the baby can sleep in the pack n' play for a while." He asked if I wanted to go double stroller shopping (and I stroller shopping) and I said "no, that can wait." I don't even want to have a sprinkle for the baby. We have the detailed u/s next week and people keep saying "Oh you must be so excited" or "do you think its a boy or a girl" and I am feeling so blah about it. I don't feel like I even want to know the gender, because I feel like turning "it" into a "he" or "she" will make it more real and I am afraid to make it real. DH thinks that the detailed ultrasound will help me snap out of this and will get me excited again, and I hope he is right. But, now, I am really starting to worry that I will never be able to connect with this baby. I love DD so much, she is the world to me, and I feel like I won't be able to do this with the new baby.

Any advice on how to pull down this wall? I want to get emotionally involved in this pregnancy again, I just don't know how.

[elektra]

All that sounds completely normal to me. I have a long time friend who had a lot of infertility problems, including several miscarriages, and when she finally got pregnant with her twins (they are now a year old) she didn't want any kind of shower or even discussion of the pregnancy. I didn't blame her at all- it's natural to want to protect yourself.
I also remember thinking that there was no way I could love another child like I loved DD. I just couldn't fathom it. But it definitely happened. I would try to give yourself and break and not try to force a "connection" with your pregnancy at this point. I mean I wouldn't be going on rollercoasters and consuming mass quantities of adult beverages but I think it's fine to not want to be planning showers and strollers yet. What matters is that you connect with your baby when he/she arrives.

[infocrazy]

I think you are being entirely reasonable. I totally understand. I was like that for DD's pregnancy for the longest time. We didn't even tell MOST people until we had the 20 wk u/s because of everything that happened with DS3 (20wk/us showed issue and he was born sleeping at 22wks). Once we had her u/s, and we knew she was looking healthy, I was able to enjoy the pregnancy and begin bonding with her. I didn't really feel safe until I was holding her though.

We are expecting again now and I'm still a little on edge. I am not terribly superstitous but we have 2 angels and three kids, so I'm a little nervous that the odds are against us so to speak. We have our u/s in mid Dec and have only told a few people IRL because I am pretty nervous...well and I expecting "comments" about having another child when people think we are already a big family...

I think you have totally normal feelings at this point, and just hope that the u/s and time help you.

[BabyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by infocrazy

I think you are being entirely reasonable. I totally understand. I was like that for DD's pregnancy for the longest time. We didn't even tell MOST people until we had the 20 wk u/s because of everything that happened with DS3 (20wk/us showed issue and he was born sleeping at 22wks). Once we had her u/s, and we knew she was looking healthy, I was able to enjoy the pregnancy and begin bonding with her. I didn't really feel safe until I was holding her though.

We are expecting again now and I'm still a little on edge. I am not terribly superstitous but we have 2 angels and three kids, so I'm a little nervous that the odds are against us so to speak. We have our u/s in mid Dec and have only told a few people IRL because I am pretty nervous...well and I expecting "comments" about having another child when people think we are already a big family...

I think you have totally normal feelings at this point, and just hope that the u/s and time help you.

Just huge hugs to you. You are one strong momma and lots of PT for that new little baby.

[mommylamb]

First of all, you are going to be an awesome mommy to this baby. This is one thing I know for certain. Even if you hadn't been through all the roller coaster stuff with this pregnancy, I think it would be normal to feel this way. It's just different when you're pregnant with your second child because it's hard to really wrap your mind around how you could love anyone else as much as you do your first. I feel that way all the time. I also feel like I've been a lot less involved in this pregnancy than I was with DS. It has gone by so much faster and I just don't even think about it all the time. It's totally normal, especially considering how you're mentally protecting yourself, for you to feel less attached and less connected.

Maybe you'll feel more connected after the ultrasound, and maybe you won't. If you don't, that's not a personal failing. But maybe it will be easier once you know the gender because you can start thinking of him/her as someone with a name. You will love this baby when he/she gets here. Protecting yourself is understandable.

Just know that you are loved.

[roseyloxs]

Take care of yourself and the rest will come later when you are ready.

[swissair81]

During my last pregnancy, I didn't reconnect until about 24-28 weeks. I was too busy protecting myself. We don't buy things before the birth anyway, but I wouldn't have even if I normally would have. I didn't even tell my own siblings-in-law (who I am super close with) until 20 weeks and that was only because my husband told them and had them ask me about it ( I was so mad).

[amldaley]

I have no advice except to say, "Be easy on yourself". I think lots of mama's go through different phases and feelings. It is normal and probably due to hormones and fatigue, etc. And I do know what you mean about not being sure you can be as close to the child as you are with #1. I think lots of moms feel that way, but I have to hope it goes away once #2 is in your arms!

So, maybe just making you laugh a little is in order.

I am super out of it last week and this week. Fricking exhausted out of it.

I saw the title of this thread and thought you MUST be talking about nesting and how to pull down a wall to make a room bigger and what would be the safest way to do that.

When I read your OP, I totally could not focus on what you were saying and kept wondering..."when does she get to the part about the wall?"

[BabyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by amldaley

When I read your OP, I totally could not focus on what you were saying and kept wondering..."when does she get to the part about the wall?"

Given that we live in a townhouse, our neighbors might have an issue with that.

[amldaley]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMom

Given that we live in a townhouse, our neighbors might have an issue with that.

Yeah, I'm thinkin' you might be right.