What’s an appropriate consequence?

[trcy]

Is she also eating what you send in or bringing that back (or worse chucking it at school)? This would affect how I'd punish the lying. I'd need to understand why.

She’ll only eat the school lunch and throw away the lunch she brought and tell me she only ate one part of her lunch. I’ve told her to throw away what she doesn’t eat because I’ve had to clean out several stinky lunch boxes.
We review the school lunch menu and I let her buy lunch any day she wants.


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[georgiegirl]

She’ll only eat the school lunch and throw away the lunch she brought and tell me she only ate one part of her lunch. I’ve told her to throw away what she doesn’t eat because I’ve had to clean out several stinky lunch boxes.
We review the school lunch menu and I let her buy lunch any day she wants.


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So she will say she wants to bring lunch and you pack her a lunch and then she changes her mind and gets hot lunch and snacks instead? Is money an issue? Can you just say, you get hot lunch every day and then you don’t have to deal with packing lunches?

Our elementary school stopped snack options in elementary school because it drove parents nuts. My issue was when DS would buy water! I’d pack a water bottle for him but he would purchase water! And there’s a water fountain with cups in the lunch room. That quickly ended after I had the teacher publicly walk him over to the fountain and showed him how to work it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd be working on some institutional changes. See how other parents feel about the snacks and such. Our school keeps a bowl of free fruit out all day for anyone who needs a snack but there are no other snacks to buy. There is no chocolate milk or junk food/ snack food of any sort. Just breakfast, lunch and the free fruit. I don't see why a school needs to offer more than that. If you're alone in having troubles, then other folks have given some good advice. But, this might be a good topic to at least present to a PTA/ PTO and see if any changes can happen.

[123LuckyMom]

She’ll only eat the school lunch and throw away the lunch she brought and tell me she only ate one part of her lunch. I’ve told her to throw away what she doesn’t eat because I’ve had to clean out several stinky lunch boxes.
We review the school lunch menu and I let her buy lunch any day she wants.


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I always want to look beyond the behavior to the need and then try to address the need. That will change the behavior, and that’s the goal. Lying is a tricky thing to punish or even address in a young child, because they don’t think about it in a complex way. It’s sort of like when a toddler covers his or her face and thinks they’re invisible. The complex thinking isn’t there yet. That doesn’t mean you can’t explain the truth/trust relationship. It’s just that it won’t necessarily kick in for a couple of years, and what you don’t want to do is make your child ashamed when her intent was just to find a clever way to get snacks and keep that happening rather than to commit a morally reprehensible action against you, God, and society.

Suggesting a consequence depends on what her goal/need has been here. Since you say you will always let her have a school lunch if she wants one, is the goal to get snacks? Is it that she changes her mind when she sees the food or if a friend is buying lunch that day? Does she feel more need to be able to choose on the spot and have that control? Maybe she’s feeling thrilled by having a secret. Whatever it is, try to understand the need that’s there. It may be she just wants junky snacks and has figured out a way to get them, but it may be more about having autonomy or choice in the moment. My first step would be to sit her down and find out. Once you’ve figured out the need, try to enlist her help in addressing it in a way where nobody needs to tell anybody something that isn’t true and food (and the effort it took to prepare it) isn’t being wasted. I bet if you brainstorm together, you can come up with a plan you could try for a month and then come back together to assess how it worked and if any changes need to be made. I wouldn’t focus on the lying. I’d focus on fixing the problem that’s resulting in the lying. She won’t lie if she doesn’t feel like she needs to in order to save herself from your displeasure or some other consequence that’s distasteful to her. By all means tell her the story of the boy who cried wolf, but please don’t be heavy handed or shaming about her behavior. It won’t help, and it might make her more prone to hide things from you in the future so that she doesn’t have to face your disappointment or displeasure.


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[trcy]

So she will say she wants to bring lunch and you pack her a lunch and then she changes her mind and gets hot lunch and snacks instead? Is money an issue? Can you just say, you get hot lunch every day and then you don’t have to deal with packing lunches?

Our elementary school stopped snack options in elementary school because it drove parents nuts. My issue was when DS would buy water! I’d pack a water bottle for him but he would purchase water! And there’s a water fountain with cups in the lunch room. That quickly ended after I had the teacher publicly walk him over to the fountain and showed him how to work it.

At one point I actually had her buying lunch everyday, it was so much easier. But then she said she wanted to go back to bringing her lunch. So on Sunday we review the lunch menu and she tells me what days she wants to buy. I guess she is changing her mind at lunch time. I really think the snack are the biggest problem. When I looked at her account I couldn’t believe how many snacks she’s bought. I wish there were no snack options at her school, but at least now she won’t be able to get them unless she has money for them.


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[trcy]

I always want to look beyond the behavior to the need and then try to address the need. That will change the behavior, and that’s the goal. Lying is a tricky thing to punish or even address in a young child, because they don’t think about it in a complex way. It’s sort of like when a toddler covers his or her face and thinks they’re invisible. The complex thinking isn’t there yet. That doesn’t mean you can’t explain the truth/trust relationship. It’s just that it won’t necessarily kick in for a couple of years, and what you don’t want to do is make your child ashamed when her intent was just to find a clever way to get snacks and keep that happening rather than to commit a morally reprehensible action against you, God, and society.

Suggesting a consequence depends on what her goal/need has been here. Since you say you will always let her have a school lunch if she wants one, is the goal to get snacks? Is it that she changes her mind when she sees the food or if a friend is buying lunch that day? Does she feel more need to be able to choose on the spot and have that control? Maybe she’s feeling thrilled by having a secret. Whatever it is, try to understand the need that’s there. It may be she just wants junky snacks and has figured out a way to get them, but it may be more about having autonomy or choice in the moment. My first step would be to sit her down and find out. Once you’ve figured out the need, try to enlist her help in addressing it in a way where nobody needs to tell anybody something that isn’t true and food (and the effort it took to prepare it) isn’t being wasted. I bet if you brainstorm together, you can come up with a plan you could try for a month and then come back together to assess how it worked and if any changes need to be made. I wouldn’t focus on the lying. I’d focus on fixing the problem that’s resulting in the lying. She won’t lie if she doesn’t feel like she needs to in order to save herself from your displeasure or some other consequence that’s distasteful to her. By all means tell her the story of the boy who cried wolf, but please don’t be heavy handed or shaming about her behavior. It won’t help, and it might make her more prone to hide things from you in the future so that she doesn’t have to face your disappointment or displeasure.


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Good point! I really think her motivation is the snacks. She loves junk food!


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[HannaAddict]

What are the snacks available in elementary school? The snacks available here are all basically healthy but we are at an independent school with a company that caters lunch and you need to order in advance.


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[mmsmom]

My kids are not allowed to throw out what they do not eat at lunch if they packed lunch. I like knowing what they did or didn’t eat. After more information in your case I would either have your DD buy lunch every day and make a notation on her account that she can not use it for snacks; or pack her lunch every day and shut down the lunch account. Our school has snack day once a week when kids can get a small soft pretzel or whole grain cookie.

[trcy]

What are the snacks available in elementary school? The snacks available here are all basically healthy but we are at an independent school with a company that caters lunch and you need to order in advance.


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It’s all junk, I hate it! Fruit roll ups, chips, Cheetos, crap like that!


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[twowhat?]

Well....I'd just tell her that it's wasteful to throw away food (it costs you money, and it adds unnecessary garbage, not to mention the time it took you to prepare the lunch) and go back to just having her buy lunch every day - just tell her it's easier for you. I've totally done that with my kids...sometimes the only option is whatever is easiest for the parent.

And then you can give her cash as a reward for good behavior to buy a snack...but only you get to decide when! Say she did a great job with her reading homework for a week - on Friday she gets cash that she can spend on a snack.

Otherwise, just have her buy school lunch for now (assuming she CANNOT purchase a snack unless she has cash in hand).