In the process of adopting and need advice!

[DualvansMommy]

Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

I am glad you two women had much better experiences with this than what I had seen elsewhere. I certainly didn't mean to be rude to any woman who gives up a baby, and I would not advocate deception.

I read your earlier comment of how making sure the birth mother doesn't get to hold the baby really rubbed me up the wrong way. But since this is a public forum & do not know you at all, I decide to let it go as after all you've a right to your opinion. But even after the other two ladies called you on it in a nice & eloquent way, you still type up your above comment in a very insecure way, at least to my interpretation. I don't know anything about adoption, beyond my best friend as an adopted child. Guess what? The fact she knew she was never held by her birth mother gave her a lot of insecurities growing up, even though she had awesome adoptive parents. As a social worker, I cannot emphasize enough on proper closure; it's very important for both parents; birth & adoptive to have a sense of closure & new beginning. The adoptive, knowing everything was all ad above board with birth parent getting her goodbyes & closure in. The birth parent having her moment of grieving and closure. So what, if the birth mom changes her mind, as hard it may be, it may have been "right" in the sense that the adoption was probably never meant to go through. After all, it isn't like the parent demanded to have that, but states actually put their laws into writing to have the 24 hours or 72 hours of being a legal parent before they sign their rights away. There IS a reason for such laws in place. I'm really sorry for your own bad experience, as obviously it must have hurt you or someone you knew who's been through it, but to come across indicating birth moms do not have a right to hold the baby is, well...bit cold.

[DualvansMommy]

And to the OP, sorry to hijack your posting. Congrats on your big news!! Be sure to keep all of us updated by September.

[MontrealMum]

Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interest.

Wow. What century is this, again?

To the OP....big congratulations and welcome to the forums

[Alexa1981]

Thank you everyone for the positive wishes!!! And no problem to any hijacking, that is what forums are for and I love to hear everyone's opinions.

As for my match, my attorney spoke with the birth mom, who didn't want to pick the adoptive parent, so my attorney picked me out of all of the adoptive parents she is representing. Anyways, she told the birth mom about me and she said the birth mom was thrilled! She said she was elated about the attorneys pick and knew this was the right thing for the baby. I was so happy to hear she was pleased with the match. I am forever grateful to the birth mom for helping me become a mom.

Obviously, she is the mother both bio and legal until she signs the surrenders and that is her right. I hope she chooses to hold the baby (my family has named him Little Dude, until it becomes official). I want my child to know that not only I unconditionally love him, but that his birth mom did too. I completely agree that it could hurt him emotionally down the road if she never held him, in a, "I was just thrown away" concept. I know everyone has their own opinions and if the birth mom doesn't want to hold him then that may be the best way for her to deal with it, but for someone to suggest her not to hold the baby for fear she might change her mind is horrendous.

With everything comes a risk and that is the risk with adoption. I don't want to offen those who are not religious, so I apologize in advance, but my strength in this is from God. If he wants me to be the baby's mom, then I will be. If he has something different in mind then things will change. I know that God only gives you things that you can handle and I know if it falls through I will be devastated, but that there was a purpose. All I care about is for this little boy to have the best life possible, if that is with me as his mom that I would be so honored, but if it is with the birth mom, that is how it is supposed to be. It is so hard to come to terms with the concept of what will be will be, but that is how the world works.

Once again thank you all for the warm wishes!!

[lalasmama]

Originally Posted by Alexa1981

With everything comes a risk and that is the risk with adoption. I don't want to offen those who are not religious, so I apologize in advance, but my strength in this is from God. If he wants me to be the baby's mom, then I will be. If he has something different in mind then things will change. I know that God only gives you things that you can handle and I know if it falls through I will be devastated, but that there was a purpose. All I care about is for this little boy to have the best life possible, if that is with me as his mom that I would be so honored, but if it is with the birth mom, that is how it is supposed to be. It is so hard to come to terms with the concept of what will be will be, but that is how the world works.

Once again thank you all for the warm wishes!!

We actually had a discussion right along this line this morning in the nursery at church! Trusting God to bring you the family He's designed for you is very tough. I've lost 6 pregnancies, I've had multiple failed adoptions, and basically adopted 1 child. A year ago, I was "what will be, will be" but, over the past year, reality has hit--I'm 33, I rarely ovulate, and I need to get going if I'm going to attempt a pregnancy... or if I'm going to take in more than 1-2 more babies eventually through the state. But, like I told the ladies this morning, God's only going to let happen what he's already ordained for my life, so I just gotta pray about it, and go where I think He's leading me.

Again, good luck, and don't hesitate to check out the rest of the forums! There are some absolutely wonderful women (and a few great men) here too!

[icunurse]

Originally Posted by Alexa1981

With everything comes a risk and that is the risk with adoption. I don't want to offen those who are not religious, so I apologize in advance, but my strength in this is from God. If he wants me to be the baby's mom, then I will be. If he has something different in mind then things will change. I know that God only gives you things that you can handle and I know if it falls through I will be devastated, but that there was a purpose. All I care about is for this little boy to have the best life possible, if that is with me as his mom that I would be so honored, but if it is with the birth mom, that is how it is supposed to be. It is so hard to come to terms with the concept of what will be will be, but that is how the world works.

Once again thank you all for the warm wishes!!

This is a great way to look at it and it will give you strength no matter what happens. The saying goes that if you just stick with adoption, you will become a parent and I have yet to see that proven wrong. I literally told my sons birth mom the day before he was born that if she changed her mind and decided to parent him, we would understand, we would be okay. I knew that she wanted to parent him, but that she wasn't at a point in her life where she felt she should parent him. She is still grateful to me for giving her that reassurance, she roomed with him for 2 days, and we maintain a great open adoption. She also was the first one to call me, before our social worker did, to tell us that she had signed the papers because she didn't want us to worry longer than necessary. Respect = respect. I have alway given both of my children's bio families my great respect and honesty, because to do less would be disrespectful of their lineage (and therefore of them) and I never want to have anything less than good, honest answers in the future when my children come to me with questions. It sounds like you have the right mentality in this and you are on the right path. Stay strong and hopeful and may your child come home to you soon!

[kmm]

First of all, congratulations!!!! It's such an exciting thing to hear that you have been matched, so enjoy the next few months of preparing. You have a wonderful attitude towards life and our faith in God's plan for our family was also what got us through the difficult journey of adoption. Adoption is certainly not easy but it sure helps to know that God already has the perfect family planned out for you. I found that I enjoyed preparing for the arrival of a child into our family once we were matched. We did go ahead and paint and prepare a room knowing that it may not work out this time, but eventually it would. Everyone is so different in the way they feel towards preparing and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.

We now have a 4 year old DD and a 22 month old DD. In both situations, the birthmoms chose us and we had a chance to get to know them prior to the births. We were asked by both of them to be at the hospital for the births and we actually had our own rooms in the hospital. We bonded with the birth families during this time and we all shared the baby, hugs, laughter, and tears. We feel so blessed that we can tell the girls that their birth mom's loved them so much that they wanted the best life possible for them. Every situation is different but I'm so glad that the girls' birth families are a part of our family now. I think it will be easier for the girls that there won't be any unanswered questions.

Have fun planning and keep us updated!

[trcy]

Originally Posted by swrc00

Congrats on being matched!!! I can't wait to hear the rest of the story as it unfolds.

Sorry I didn't see your matched post earlier....Congrats

[BabbyO]

Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interests.

Happy planning!!!

First, Congratulations! I'm SO happy for you.
Second. I'm a birth mom. I have given a child up for adoption. The above did NOT offend me in anyway. I don't think that an adoptive parent should dictate this, necessarily, but I think there is validity to the comment.

I decided on my own, to not hold my baby right after he was born. My grandma did that - so he was held and loved and snuggled and oogled by his great-grandma, who also fed him. I did hold him later, but I knew that that was going to be a too emotionally charged moment to hold him and still be able to go through with the adoption that I KNEW was in the best interest of both my son and myself.

I just thought I'd share my perspective...since it is different.

The other piece of advice that I have - and hopefully you (or your adoption attorney) already know this, but if you don't have BOTH of the birth parents rights terminated. Try to have the birth father adjudicated, then have his rights terminated, too. I think it protects all parties best.

[janine]

No BTDT advice from me but just wanted to say congratulations on the match and he has the same EDD as my DD (and birthday ).

I think it's ok to hold off the nursery - it takes a few months before the baby moves into its own room anyway, and like you said you have extended family to help you out when you feel ready.

Add a co-sleeper or bassinet/Moses basket for your room so the baby has a place to sleep. That, car seat, clothes, diapers, formula, bottles are all you really need those first few weeks. I hope you keep us posted.