how do you move past something

[ABO Mama]

You're not the only one. There are moments when I'm over it, and then moments where the pain is really strong. I'm sorry you are hurting. Can you talk to him? Talk to a councilor?

[hillview]

Originally Posted by ABO Mama

You're not the only one. There are moments when I'm over it, and then moments where the pain is really strong. I'm sorry you are hurting. Can you talk to him? Talk to a councilor?

thanks. We talked at length last night. he suggested we go see a therapist. So i will give that a whirl.

[kozachka]

I can't forgive and forget DH's drinking/substance abuse and related issues, even though he's got his demons partially under control. It was not a single event, like in your case, so this might be different, but there was an event in the recent past that set me off, and led me to seeing a therapist, who is encouraging me to talk about this but not necessary forget and forgive. I think that in your case, it would help to talk things over with a trusted friend or therapist, or at the very least put your concerns on paper.

Maybe it is something that I am not meant to forgive and forget? Maybe your antennas are still up because their is something in your DH's behavior that is setting them off?

In the past, I've been able to not think about negative/tramatic events by packing the memories of the event in a box and putting the box on a high, far away mental 'shelf' in my mental 'closet'. So I never forgot about these events, but with time I stopped thinking about them.

[maylips]

Seeing a therapist is great - especially if he recommends it. It demonstrates how much he wants to make it right.

He'll have to work extra hard to prove himself. You, in the meantime, have to make a conscience effort to let it go. Don't let your thoughts take over the silent moments in your life.

[boolady]

Originally Posted by hillview

So my issue is that I don't even know if anything happened. I just cannot stop thinking about that something MAY have happened and may still be going on. I am 99% sure it isn't. I just cannot seem to get past it and back to my state of total trust. It doesn't feel like a forgiveness thing -- honestly in some ways it'd be easier to just KNOW something did happen (sounds strange I know). I am not mad, I just feel sad sometimes.

Thanks all for your advice and support.
/hillary

I think I would feel exactly the same way as you. I would need to know whether something did happen, regardless of whether I liked the answer or not. It's kind of like lying...sometimes the lie is worse than the actual thing you were lying about, which you might be able to deal with. Of course, the "may still be going on" is a big thing in my book, and you deserve far better than that.

I would go ahead with your plan to talk to a therapist and consider that you might never forgive and forget, but could find a way to move on with some sense of permanence if you know what you're actually moving on from. I don't know if there's a way for you to find out the truth or not, but for me, not knowing is the thing that would fester far more than the truth, I think. Hugs.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

This book.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgiv...8311052&sr=8-1
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To
by Janis Spring

You don't have to forgive, you can just accept and move on. This book changed my life in a lot of areas. Forgiveness is not something you do, it is something the other person causes in you by their actions. If they don't do the right things, forgiveness doesn't happen. And that's okay too.

This book will show you how to accept it and move on, or will show you how to make true forgiveness happen.

[Giantbear]

Originally Posted by kozachka

I can't forgive and forget DH's drinking/substance abuse and related issues, even though he's got his demons partially under control. It was not a single event, like in your case, so this might be different, but there was an event in the recent past that set me off, and led me to seeing a therapist, who is encouraging me to talk about this but not necessary forget and forgive. I think that in your case, it would help to talk things over with a trusted friend or therapist, or at the very least put your concerns on paper.

Maybe it is something that I am not meant to forgive and forget? Maybe your antennas are still up because their is something in your DH's behavior that is setting them off?

In the past, I've been able to not think about negative/tramatic events by packing the memories of the event in a box and putting the box on a high, far away mental 'shelf' in my mental 'closet'. So I never forgot about these events, but with time I stopped thinking about them.

I think in the case of a partner with a substance abuse issue, you never forget what was done in the past, since it is always possible for the past to become the present real quickly, it is more a case of being able to differentiate between the substance abusing spouse and the non-substance abusing spouse.

For the OP, it seems less about forgiving than it does about restoring eroded trust. The big questions would be what happened that makes you not trust your spouse and why do you continue to not trust them.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Can you get him drunk and ask him all the questions you want? Healthy and mature? No. But, it's worked here. I didn;t do it on purpose but one night dh drank too much and started opening up like a book. So, I asked him somethings that I'd always wanted to know. ((((((hugs))))))

[niccig]

I agree with the actions giving you trust again.

It wasn't DH, it was my Dad. I didn't trust him to not hurt us. It took a LONG time, but his actions were consistent and showed that his behavior had changed.

[lmh2402]

Originally Posted by hillview

So my issue is that I don't even know if anything happened. I just cannot stop thinking about that something MAY have happened

i totally understand this. i actually don't totally know for sure either. my gut is that nothing actually happened, but what i know DID happen was definitely inappropriate communication that could have lead to something happening

and the fact that i don't totally know if anything ever did...or how far that communication might have gone, that was not documented in emails / texts that i uncovered... drives me nuts. like i can literally make myself crazy over it. but as time has passed, i think it about less and less frequently. it's still there, but not like it was in the beginning, or even just a year after.

we saw a therapist for many months after it first was revealed. and she made it perfectly clear that it was ok for me to still feel angry for as long as i felt angry...and that ultimately, time...and the clear evidence that it would never, ever happen again...might be the only things that would make it feel better.

i think a therapist is a great option for you guys.