Why I regret being a SAHM

[wellyes]

[QUOTE=westwoodmom04;3816790]

If anyone is interested...Looks like this woman may be on the today show in the next hour.[/QUOTE

I guess I'm more a cynic than everyone else, but this is exactly the direction I expected this to go. Expect an announcement on her new book on this or a closely related topic anymday, direct from the Tiger Mom playbook.

Also, no one thinks its strange that she fail to mention the three books she had published while she was a "non-working" SAHM, one of which was a NY Times best seller?

I would expect anyone who publishing in Huffington Post to be a writer who wants exposure. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

[egoldber]

I realize I am fortunate to have the opportunity and means to do it, and many people don't.

Right. I think it's great and wonderful that people can take the opportunity to re-define themselves. However, that takes money and generally this comes at a time when expenses are going up significantly for many families, as their kids approach college and the couple also approaches retirement.

Just an observation -- those that have been strongest in praising this article are primarily (but not exclusively) WOHM moms. Those that have been strongest in criticizing it are primarily (but not exclusively) posters that have spent some amount of time as SAHMs. That's why I think it's a bunch of "mommy war" drivel; it seems calculated to provoke such a response.

I was a SAHM for 8 years and have been a WOHM for 4. I don't have the same regrets the author spoke about, because I was never that into my career and frankly, I'm still not. To me, it's a job and not a passion. I enjoy my work and I find it interesting, but it's nothing I would really miss if I stepped away from it tomorrow. But I feel like my work and the contribution I make to the family finances and by carrying the benefits are important enough to make being in the workforce worthwhile.

I know some posters commented basically that it's inconceivable that anyone making that decision wouldn't do that, but I would really challenge the majority of SAH and WOH parents on here to honestly say that they ran ALL the numbers, including looking at retirement savings and projected the financials 30-40 years in the future. I certainly didn't.

Exactly. I also didn't really think through the fact that I would have to go back at a lower level and at much lower pay. Or that I would then be "competing" for promotions and opportunities with people 15 years younger than me! We have been mapping out a financial plan with our planner and I can now see how my salary is really necessary if our kids don't get any scholarships (which no one can count on anymore) or if we want to retire before we're 80.

Obviously, many others were more savvy than we were. But I think even smart, educated people can get caught up in the emotions of the early babyhood and not see the full ramifications of stepping out of the workforce for many years.

I also watched my mother have to go back to work in her 60s in order to qualify for social security. I never really thought about the fact that you have to work a certain number of years in order to even qualify for benefits. Our planner said she sees this all the time, older women who didn't realize they didn't automatically qualify and have to re-enter the workforce late in life to get benefits.

Not every point in the article spoke to me. And she's not going to win any literary prizes. I also think it's somewhat disingenuous for her to say she has no choices when clearly she is writing for Huffington Post on an ongoing basis, so she does have a career. But the likelihood of that type of opportunity for most people is pretty small.

[Philly Mom]

But at the same time - if you decide to become a SAHM, and then find yourself years later trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up - it's the perfect opportunity to redefine yourself. Figure out what makes you happy, what makes you tick and go after it. People who are able to do that can indeed have it all - just not at the same time!

Slightly off topic, But I think it is possible to "have it all" at the same time if the stars align (aka luck and could only occur with certain positions) and you have realistic expectations for work and home (don't put unreasonable expectations for the type of parent you should be or worker you should be). I am the only one who can define if I have it all. I am the only one who can who can make me feel guilty about my choices. As a child, I had three favorite movies, Secret of my Success, Working Girl, and Baby Boom. In Baby Boom, JC is told by Fritz she can't have it all. So she changed her definition of having it all. I really believe that it is possible to do that with all sorts of choices including the choice to stay home. If you love being home with your kids, why can't that be having it all. I have a few friends who I think have it all and stay home. They changed their expectations for the life they think they wanted and seized on the life they want, which is not to say that some days they want to throttle their children. Conversely, I think I have it all too. I have a job that is fulfilling and meaningful even on the most aggravating days. It is a position I am in because I waited to have kids until I was invaluable to my team and clients so that I have lots of flexibility. I also helped found my legal practice as refugees from big law so we have purposefully created an atmosphere so that everyone can be their best by covering for each other when needed. (This week I am at the doctors every morning for either me or DD and my office replies by making sure everything is ok and asking what they can help cover.) it is a position I am in because most of the time I refuse to lay on any mommy/worker guilt. Some days I screw up or DD is unhappy or there is not enough time in the day but I would screw up if I stayed home and I would screw up if I was at my office until midnight. I am not perfect so I am not going to create unreasonable expectations. I also agree with Ms Pacman. I get great quality time with DD in the most unusual ways and I enjoy and appreciate the time in ways I think I would take for granted otherwise. We spent 2 hours at an emergency dental appointment yesterday, most of it waiting. We played with the toys they gave us and had a great time. Today we go to the ENT. I am sure it could be hours. I can't wait and I cleared my calendar. Her tantrums even make me chuckle to myself. I also love her school and the community it has created for us. At 22 months she has great friends who miss her when she is late and hug her when she arrives. And DH and I have other parents going through the same struggles we are to balance it all anyway we can. It is a nice feeling. Will I feel the same way when the baby arrives and I have twice the doctor's appointments, sick days, adorable children I want to be around, who knows, but I will continue to assess what having it all means. Obviously, I need to continue my analysis right through the high school years because who knows what roadblocks may pop up but I hope that I keep giving myself choices to make it so I have it all by whatever definition I am choosing at that moment.

[westwoodmom04]

[QUOTE=wellyes;3816792]

I would expect anyone who publishing in Huffington Post to be a writer who wants exposure. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Of course not. But for me, at least, it's hard to take this sentiment seriously "Yet, I wish I had tried to keep a finger, a toe or a hand in the working world to ease an eventual return," from someone who published multiple books during that period. I guess being a published author isn't working.

[niccig]

I also watched my mother have to go back to work in her 60s in order to qualify for social security. I never really thought about the fact that you have to work a certain number of years in order to even qualify for benefits. Our planner said she sees this all the time, older women who didn't realize they didn't automatically qualify and have to re-enter the workforce late in life to get benefits.

Add me to the people that didn't know this.

I look to my MIL as a role model for working and balancing family. She stayed at home until her youngest was 3rd grade, then went back part-time as a night nurse in nursing homes. FIL started to have heart issues and she was worried about something happening to him and her being out of the workforce for so long. FIL is still fine, but since those part-time years, she built her career, became an administrator and now at 70 consults on number of issues for nursing homes in her area. She was in a career that allowed her to get back in, but she had to get her license again and start at the bottom. I asked her when she'll retire fully and she's not ready yet, saying it was hard fought career and she still enjoys it.

I asked MIL if she had any regrets, she said she regrets cleaning more and playing less. She's always said to put the kids before the housework!

[mommylamb]

Add me to the people that didn't know this.

I believe it's 40 quarters, so 10 years of paying into the SS system.

[elektra]

Obviously, many others were more savvy than we were. But I think even smart, educated people can get caught up in the emotions of the early babyhood and not see the full ramifications of stepping out of the workforce for many years.

............

Not every point in the article spoke to me. And she's not going to win any literary prizes. I also think it's somewhat disingenuous for her to say she has no choices when clearly she is writing for Huffington Post on an ongoing basis, so she does have a career. But the likelihood of that type of opportunity for most people is pretty small.

Totally agree with this. One of the main things I took away from this article is that the author felt like she did not run ALL the numbers, and I think that this is probably very common. I know I did not run any extensive numbers when making my decision to either work or stay home. I only looked at childcare costs and salary really.

I also think that "just going back to work" is so much easier said than done. I am surprised that people are suggesting that it is so simple to do that. In my field, the technology is changing so much that I would not be able to go back, even after just a few years. I would have to get trained in something completely different, and then start over. That is totally doable of course but still daunting IMO, especially when you did not have a plan to do it.

[niccig]

I believe it's 40 quarters, so 10 years of paying into the SS system.

So you have to work 40 quarters/10 years before you can get what you paid into social security when you worked? So if you worked under 10 yrs, you can't get any of the amount?

Plus, there's the spousal benefit, half of what your spouse paid in?

This topic of financial impact of SAHP isn't new, there's a few articles with people saying same thing when they were confronted with divorce, death of spouse or spouse lost a job. They struggled to re-enter workforce. As I said above my MIL was confronted with it when SIL was in grade 3, and it made her go back to work just in case FIL's heart condition got worse. I'll have to talk more with her about it, she's 20 yrs older than author of this piece and most of her friends didn't work. As Txcat said, things happen that can change what you had planned to do and can mean that decisions made much earlier can have more of an impact.

[niccig]

Totally agree with this. One of the main things I took away from this article is that the author felt like she did not run ALL the numbers, and I think that this is probably very common. I know I did not run any extensive numbers when making my decision to either work or stay home. I only looked at childcare costs and salary really.

I also think that "just going back to work" is so much easier said than done. I am surprised that people are suggesting that it is so simple to do that. In my field, the technology is changing so much that I would not be able to go back, even after just a few years. I would have to get trained in something completely different, and then start over. That is totally doable of course but still daunting IMO, especially when you did not have a plan to do it.

I think anyone saying just go back to work hasn't been looking for a job lately. The employment outlook has changed since I stopped working in 2004. Back then, I did think I could return to work pretty easily when I was ready. Before going back to grad. school in 2011, I did look for jobs in my field and there was NOTHING and there still is nothing out there. I've picked up part-time work from my old employer, but it's not consistent or pays enough. The only reason I got it was I stayed in touch and never burned any bridges. The technology had changed considerably, but as they knew me, they knew I would catch up quickly.

[almostmom]

Lots of great responses here. I just want to quickly say that I am one of the people who found her essay pretty annoying. I think it is that it comes across as kind of whiney. Like, I had all these great things, but now that I've experienced them, I poo poo where I've been, even though it was pretty good for reason she lists, and I wish I experienced the other side.

Things like, I met people just like me who I expect and hope will be my best friends forever, but if I could choose now, I would choose not to have been there to meet them. Really? To me there is a TON of value in the time she had to build those friendships that others in other situations don't have! It just feels too train of thought to me. I'm sure she feels this way at times. But it just doesn't make sense to me. I don't believe it is as black and white as she tries to make it. How about, I made some amazing friends, and my kids are stable and healthy and I got all this great time with them, but I wish I had been able to find a little more balance. I just don't think she's ultimately saying, I wish I had worked throughout their childhood, yet that is what the title says, and what her conclusion is, right? If she really felt that way, then she would have to convince me, the reader, that she doesn't care about all these benefits that she got from staying home. I'm not convinced.

I guess it just bugs me when someone complains about something that actually did provide them and their family with tons of benefits, and benefits that she recognizes and mentions in the artilce! If she couldn't feel any of those benefits, didn't feel glad that she had all that time with her kids as they grew, then that's another story. And I'm sure there are some SAHM who do have trouble seeing the bright side because it is HARD and not that rewarding at times. But she does see those rewards and is only now seemingly sad about it because she can't get a job and feels lost.

I know I sound harsh, but that was my honest reaction to it. I don't think it's because it touched a nerve, but as a working parent, maybe she does sound a little entitled and privileged for my taste.