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  1. #61
    spunkybaby is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by arivecchi View Post
    Agree with PP. The issue is not that she quit, but how she went about it - in an extremely unprofessional manner. If you accept a job in person or over a live call, you do not renege via email. That is professionalism 101.
    OP never mentioned whether the nanny accepted the job via phone or in person. She just mentions that the nanny sent several emails expressing her excitement about starting the job. But the latest email was a week before the anticipated start date, and then the nanny sent the final sorry-but-I've-decided-to-go-in-a-different-direction email. So I don't think declining by email is the worst thing or unprofessional behavior since their communication was primarily by email.

    Furthermore, the nanny obviously knew that the OP would be upset by the news, but the nanny had already made her decision. So she probably didn't want to engage the OP further. Many times on this board, people post WWYD about difficult conversations when they know the other person will be upset by their decisions, and the overwhelming advice is to keep things short and not offer explanations/excuses that the other person will try to argue around and change your mind.

    Who knows why the nanny decided to renege? Perhaps one of her glowing previous families was able to hire her back. Or perhaps one of them found a friend to hire her. If you were a nanny, you might wish to go with a family that is personally known by your previous families. However wonderful the OP is, a "known" quantity is a little safer in this type of arrangement; that's why as parents we prefer nannies that are referred by our friends as well.

    I agree with the other PPs that there was no way that the nanny could have given OP the news that would have sat well with her. It is understandably a frustrating situation for the OP, but if the nanny found another position that she likes better for whatever reason--benefits, pay, known family, shorter commute, better hours, etc.--that's pretty much how it is. PP said that the nanny should have asked the OP to match whatever other offer she has, but perhaps that would have frustrated the OP as well. OP may have felt trapped and may have matched the offer to ensure childcare, but she may well have (understandably) resented the last-minute change in contract and then started looking for a new nanny. As a nanny, you might prefer to just take the better offer rather than risk upsetting your new employer from the start.

    OP--I wish you the best as you search for a new nanny. Sorry that it turned out like this. I would be disappointed too.
    Last edited by spunkybaby; 12-29-2012 at 01:31 PM.
    Mom to two spunky kids

  2. #62
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    I had the exact thing happen with me. I met with and hired a nanny from care.com. Then she emailed or left a voicemail (don't remember which) just a day or two before she was supposed to start. She said that she'd been offered a receptionist job that she had previously applied for. I was a little annoyed, but I get it. Anyone would accept the job that they felt was best for them.

    I understand OP wanting an explanation or even an apology for the short notice. It's a sucky situation, but you can't be too mad at the girl.
    DS1 - 8/09
    DS2 - 9/11

  3. #63
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    You can be mad at the girl for handling the situation unprofessionally. She should have at least handled it differently. Who knows what her situation truly is but that is not the point. The point is that she agreed to take the job and even emailed to get a start time. Then something else (maybe something better) came along. At the very least she should have had the professional courtesy to say it and not in an email. I understand the youth these days are all about technology and maybe I am old school but professionalism across the board these days seems to be out the window. I wouldn't have a problem with you calling the pastor to at least let him know your disappointment and maybe to even wish her well. But I agree to let some time pass and then do it. Then just let it go.

    We had our beloved sitter up and move with no notice and she lied about the whole exchange. This was very hurtful to our family and her "good Christian" values I guess didn't matter at the time. We realized very quickly that in the end no matter who you have in your home and how you see them (we invest in them on an emotional level as they are taking care of our kids) but honestly I think most see it strictly as a business. That being said they need to be professional then. IT took me months to get over how our former nanny treated us when she decided to move on and since then we have done away with having someone who is a nanny and we have a sitter that comes 2x a week (the same sitter though who although she is pretty invested in the kids and we see that I always keep in the back of my mind that it is a job) and we find a way to work our jobs and be here as well. IT isn't easy but I won't get myself in that position again. Ironically our previous nanny has since had a child and I am stunned to see how she reacts when people do things like this to her child. She gets super hurt and finally after a year told me looking back she would have handled things differently. IT wasn't a solid apology but I know she understands how she hurt us and how karma feels.

    No one will ever love your kids and take care of your kids as well as you will. IT is a simple fact and a sad one too that people just don't invest themselves anymore in any business they are in these days. IT is how our society is trending. I think it is sad. Being a business owner myself I see and I see it in my employees. Good luck finding someone else or finding a different situation. BTW, care.com can be great to use but after our experience we are moved to a sitter agency and it has worked out so much better. We have one sitter for the kids and she is wonderful but if she is busy, sick or not available to work the agency sends someone else and that has been a godsend. Thankfully our sitter is pretty up front with us and we feel pretty fortunate. We had to go through some real idiots to find this one so we are taking very good care of her. Good luck!

    B

    DS 03, 06, twins 09, 11

  4. #64
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    mjs64 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I would so love to hear what Chuck Klosterman, the NY Times ethicist column writer, would say about this! The nanny behaved poorly, yes. But to whom do you have the greater responsibility: the nanny or her future employers? I'd say you owe nothing to either party, which suggests you should chalk it up to bad luck/lesson learned. Sorry OP!
    My baby boy is 3!

  5. #65
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    Just to add since OP's brought it up - We did talk on the phone and obviously met in person for the interview, which ended up beng 2 hours. We exchanged over 30 emails about the job, start date/time, etc. When she accepted the position it was over the phone.

    Thanks all! As I said before it has been helpful to hear/read your opinions and thoughts!

  6. #66
    daisysmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    We have had 5 nannies over my dd's life, and most of my friends in real life have had nannies too because few of us worked predictable hours in our law firms. Personal recommendations and references meant the world to us. Probably the single most important thing to us was that the nanny candidate was going to be DEPENDABLE. Dependable enough that she wouldn't call in sick when she had a sore throat or co,d herself. Dependable enough to take care of sick ouking children sometimes. Dependable not to call in sick because of bad weather. Dependable not to take a "mental health" day. In typical employment relationships, people have more than one employee... Sp others can help pick up the slack when one person is out sick or fails to show up. In the nanny situation, this is not true. If our nanny couldn't work, my dh and I were scrambling for back up care or strangers to sit for our child. This, being dependable is such a huge huge thing that those of us who have hired nannies look for

    For that reason, I always asked the references how dependable, the candidates were. I would most definitely wAnt to know this story- I would never hire someone to be a nanny who did this to another family. So no, I don't think telling the references about this is gossip at all. I think it is extremely valid.

  7. #67
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    Contacting the pastor is not out of "concern" it is only because of being angry at being left in the lurch and malice - to let him know how hurt or angry the OP is. All the sugar coating and justifying and how people would "want to know" seems gossipy and controlling. She was a nanny who wasn't being provided health care and not hired through an agency, so not a "professional" like a lawyer or business person. If it was an agency that placed her, by all means give feedback. But the personal/"character" Christian reference shouldn't do anything with the complaints that she didn't start the job. And email notice is fine. People on this board mainly seem to fire off all sorts of complaints about teachers, family members etc. via email and not dealing with people face to face so it isn't strange at all. The OP left her a message and let her know she was disappointed and can now move on. For an "employee" who hasn't started yet, who is presumably hourly and "at-will" with no contract and that the employer could tell not to come in at all if she found other child care, an email does not seem out of line. For a long term nanny, I'd expect more, but not in the situation as described. Maybe the person just for a feeling it wasn't going to work or got a better offer - in this economy more power to her. I'd be upset and disappointed yes, but not wasting more time and energy trying to punish her and let others know she flaked on you. It just isn't concern.

  8. #68
    daisysmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by HannaAddict View Post
    But the personal/"character" Christian reference shouldn't do anything with the complaints that she didn't start the job..
    I was thinking that the pastor knew her personally and thought that she was dependable. Just giving a reference that she was of 'Christian charachter' wouldn't mean anything to me, honestly. Just to clarify, I would not go back to the references to say that the nanny acted un-Christainlike. I would go back to say that she bailed at the last minute and this didn't seem very dependable. IMO this has nothing with being Christian or not.

  9. #69
    sste is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I am noticing that most of the posters who have employed nannies long-term are at the forefront of those not bothered by contacting recommenders . . . myself included.

    It is true that this woman has the right to bail on the job the night before. But if she is an autonomous, independent worker with the right to do that then I don't see how all of a sudden she becomes immune from the consequences of those actions. Among the foreseeable consequences of quitting last minute is that someone might contact your recommender, word might get around informally, etc. I think those of us who recommend/receive recommendations for nannies feel strongly about good information being available about the people we hire and that is why one might contact recommenders (esp. since care.com feedback is not available as she shut down her account).

    Sure, we are all free to take better jobs. But we are all subject to the consequences to our reputations of doing so too. That is the other side of the coin of being an independent, autonomous worker and adult person.
    ds 2007
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  10. #70
    daisysmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by sste View Post
    I am noticing that most of the posters who have employed nannies long-term are at the forefront of those not bothered by contacting recommenders . . . myself included.

    It is true that this woman has the right to bail on the job the night before. But if she is an autonomous, independent worker with the right to do that then I don't see how all of a sudden she becomes immune from the consequences of those actions. Among the foreseeable consequences of quitting last minute is that someone might contact your recommender, word might get around informally, etc. I think those of us who recommend/receive recommendations for nannies feel strongly about good information being available about the people we hire and that is why one might contact recommenders (esp. since care.com feedback is not available as she shut down her account).

    Sure, we are all free to take better jobs. But we are all subject to the consequences to our reputations of doing so too. That is the other side of the coin of being an independent, autonomous worker and adult person.
    Very well said. I agree!

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