Feeling like a terrible mother...

[Rachels]

Abigail fell off the bed, face-down, a huge and horrific thud. It knocked the wind out of her, then she screamed, and now she has a little bump on her head but otherwise is just fine. But I can't seem to recover. I feel anxious and teary and awful. We cosleep, and at night I don't worry about it, and I feel good about the choice to cosleep. But I can't get her to nap in her crib. On the other hand, she now sleeps like a rock if I put her down on the bed. I've been so tired for a year, and it's the first time she has consistently napped really well, and I've not gone more than one room away so that I can dash to her the second she makes a sound. Well, today she didn't make any sounds. She just crawled off the end. I'm in despair. I feel like of course I should have seen this coming and prevented it, and also like I can't take from her the one way she can sleep. I just put her crib mattress on the floor in our room and am going to try putting her down for naps there. But when I lay down on it with her to test it out, I saw immediately why she hates it: it's hard as a rock. Now I'm thinking maybe we'll go ahead and get a decent twin mattress, put it in our room, and someday when she ever sleeps and is big enough (both of which are unimaginable right now), that will be the mattress for her big-girl bed.

But meanwhile, I just feel awful. I love my baby so much. I can't imagine how I would survive if anything happened to her, and I'm feeling like I jeopardized her safety for my own convenience.

We're going out to dinner. Hopefully I'll rally.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

Rachel,
It sounds like you've got some great ideas for making Abigail's sleeping more comfortable in the future- but don't be too hard on yourself about this. My word, go back to that thread two(?) weeks ago about everyone's bad-mommy-moments (mine'll sure make you feel better, at least!) and know that you're doing a great job. Making naptime a long-term workable thing is tricky, but you guys will find a solution that works for everyone. And just think, as she grows to love her new big-girl mattress, that'll make future transitions that much easier, too. :)

Enjoy your dinner, and I hope this is a relaxing night for you guys.

You are NOT a terrible mother. I just wanted to say I feel your pain. We don't co-sleep, but Ainsleigh has fallen off my bed before. She was fine in a matter of minutes, but I was shaking for the rest of the day, listening for the sirens of Child Protective Services come to take her away. I have no advice to give, since I'm not experienced with co-sleeping, but just wanted to give you a *hug* and say you're a WONDERFUL mother!

And have fun at dinner!

Oh, Rachel! I'm sorry! My sister's two children have each fallen off the bed, once on dad's watch and once on hers. She felt so horrible each time.

I think your idea about the twin mattress is a good one. Also, putting that and a crib mattress or something else on either side of your bed might help cushion a fall if she should happen to fall in the night. Or can you push your bed against a wall and then provide cushioning with a mattress on the other side? I think my aunt who co-slept with twins did something like that. Or even put your mattresses on the floor for a while? I'm sure you will work out a solution, but in the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. These things happen to us all. Definitely go back and re-read that bad mommy thread, and remember that in addition to those stories there are millions more from loving, concerned parents all over the world!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

Poor little Abby! She's having a rough week. :-( I know it doesn't really help but I think most babies/kids fall off the bed sooner or later and we all feel terrible about it no matter what! You're a great mom...just the way you reacted shows that!! I hope you find a solution to the problem so that you can all rest easy. :-)

Catherine fell off the bed too, at pretty much exactly that age. She never did it again, but never showed any signs of being traumatized by the experience. This may sound like rationalization, but I think they all need one unpleasant experience with gravity before they really UNDERSTAND it. Now I see her on the play structures, eyeing the gaps in the fence around the elevated platform, and clearly deciding, "nope!"

If a twin mattress in your bedroom would take up too much room, you could get a slab of one-inch-thick foam and put that on the crib mattress, under the sheet. It makes the sheet fit REALLY snugly, so it's a bit of a wrestling match to get it on, but it made an enormous difference for Catherine. You're right - those crib mattresses are hard as rocks. Of course, this wouldn't necessarily be the right thing for a really tiny baby, but Abigail is well beyond that stage.

Enjoy the dinner - patch up your shattered nerves - they've got eighteen more years to last you!

Best,

KathyO

You are NOT a terrible mother!!! On the contrary, you are such a wonderful, caring, mommy (one who gives up whole classes of food for her baby no less!). Accidents like this happen, despite the fact that we try to imagine what the potential hazards are around our houses. I expect Abigail has gotten so used to a nice, soft, bed that she won't take to anything else right now, but the twin mattress is a great idea and she will eventually use it in her room.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I think I posted this in an earlier thread, but last week Arielle slipped on one of the runner rugs in our hallway and bashed her forehead on the doorway to her room. She had a huge bump the size of a golf ball for a day or so. Even now, a week later, she still has a large grey-yellow bruise. And of course we've seen EVERYONE (inlaws, mother, friends, even the ped!) during this time, and I have to recount the story and how I *should have* had a rug guard for the rug. I feel awful about it, but some baby proofing has to be done *after* the accidents because we can't predict everything.

Hope you feel a bit better this evening,

edited to add: Regarding the mattress textures, I meant to say that Abigail may not like the hard crib mattress since she's been sleeping in your cozy, soft bed--but she will probably love a comfy twin mattress and it will be a good investment too!


-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01
#2:) EDD 10/24/03

It's a little early, but I transitioned Amy to a 'big girl bed' at 18 months by doing what you are suggesting. I put a twin mattress on the floor in her play area when it was naptime. She loved running around on the mattress (it was bouncy) and slept on it voluntarily. It was then just a matter of moving it into her room to become her permanent bed, Okay, there were a few more steps than this but you get the idea.

Abigail is almost a year old and that's when the SIDS risk becomes so low that blankets, flat pillows and more 'adult' mattresses are allowed. If she's already 'out' of the crib anyhow, perhaps you should just transition her to a mattress on the floor. It seems like she's ready and that it's the solution to your problem.

And no, you're not a horrible Mom. These things happen to ALL of us.

[etwahl]

just a quick note, but sweetie, we all know you are a wonderful mother. i'm hoping abigail is okay.

btw, can someone post that old post you're talking about. i missed it somehow and it would probably make me feel better whenever i do something and feel like a terrible mother myself!

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003

Rachel,

I think every parent has a "falling off the bed" story. Abby is not the first child to fall off the bed and she certainly won't be the last. I have been told by other parents, and have come to believe myself, that the experience is far worse for Mama or Papa than it is for baby. Baby recovers in minutes, Mama and Papa never recover.

If it makes you feel any better, I was sitting right next to Lola talking on the phone (the phone...the downfall of many a parent) when she fell off the bed. I will never forget the sound of Lola hitting the hardwood floor...similar to a heavy coat with a large set of keys in the pocket. It was absolutely awful and we have both survived.

You are most certainly not a bad parent for wanting your child to nap. Even if your motives were purely selfish, you wouldn't be a bad parent. Every parent needs some down time. Without it, a person couldn't maintain sanity let alone care for another human.

Don't become mired in the fact that it was PERHAPS forseeable that Abigail would fall off the bed. Hindsight is 20/20. Focus on the positive. Your girl will nap if she's in a bed. Now, find a bed that's a little closer to the floor so the next time she crawls of the end of it, it won't be traumatic for either of you.

Repeat after me, "I am a good Mama! I am a good Mama!"