Appeasing Toddler to Prevent Tantrums (ok?)

[momma_boo]

Something that has been puzzlng me lately - DD is definitely trying very hard to be control of her own "destiny" - meaning every little thing. For example - she always has to be first - first to go downstairs, first to go upstairs, first to go out the front door, etc. She also has to take off her own underwear and/or undress/dress herself. I can't dare change DD #2's diaper w/o having her there to help me - apparently she is the ONLY one who can take off the dirty diaper and do the tabs on the clean diaper. Although she takes after DH and gets grossed out by a poopy diaper.

How much do I appease her and let her do things her way? So far, I've been letting her do what she wants except in certain cases which are non-negotiable (such as crossing the street w/o holding our hands - something that caused a major tantrum). Am I letting her be in control too much? It sounds silly but I want to make sure I'm not setting myself up for more problems later on.

If she gets upset that something wasn't done in the order she wants, she will start to whine until we "rewind" so that it's done the way she wants it. For example, she got upset b/c DH went first into the daycare provider's home this morning. She called him to come back out of the house (he was at the back door) and made him return to the gate so that she could go in first.

I'm not sure how much of it is normal "terrible two's" behavior and how much is a response to the baby - who she is great with.

I admit that I appease Tristan way more than I ever thought I would...I really think this is part of a growth and a necessary step for them (I might be brainwashing myself to think this).

But many times he insist that it is one particular person to hand him something etc...

I have found the times I don't cave are when I am tired and have cooked and preped a meal and he can only say "cheese, cheese, cheese" I notice if I walk away he eats what he has infront of him.

But sounds like you are hitting exactly what we have been dealing with lately...do I dare sat I am glad to know T is not the only one- I am left frazzeled on many days with this behavior.

I look forward to others responses!!!

[sidmand]

I just want to preface this with--I have absolutely no direct experience with this and so you need to take what I say with a grain of salt. And I know this is only the tip of the iceberg, but what you were saying about your daughter always needing to be first reminded me of this book I bought last year:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846

It's called "Me First" and it's about a pig who always needs to be first and how he gets himself in trouble because of it. I think it's geared for a bit older than your DD, but maybe it could be of some help.

Again, I realize it's only a tiny thing in the midst of everything you must be going through, but maybe it could make a small difference. And it's a cute book!

Sorry for any typos--typing with kiddo onboard.

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!

[bunnisa]

DS LOVES to do everything "Self!" or "Selfish" as he says. :)

If he whines, he doesn't get to do it himself. We have a real commitment to training his attitude.

He'll also sometimes use the "self" thing to dawdle or get out of a chore or command. For example, sometimes I'll ask him to go upstairs, and, not wanting his diaper changed, he'll dawdle on the stairs, wandering back & forth, pointing out every speck on the step. When I take his hand to lead him up, he'll insist that he wants to do it himself. The deal is that he can do it quickly or mama will carry him upstairs, and I tell him so.

I really want him to practice independence, but at the same time I want to curb defiance. The key is determining WHEN it is defiance.

If I had him fully dressed and he insisted on doing it over his way, I would say, "Mama has already dressed you. Later, when we get ready for bed, you may do it yourself."

If he whined about it or threw a tantrum, we'd provide appropriate discipline.


Bethany
mom to one and one on the way!
http://lilypie.com/days/060226/0/8/1/-6/.png
"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-J. Torres

[californiagirl]

I think it's OK to appease some of the time, but it helps to pick ahead of time which subjects you are going to hold the line on, and develop consistent, explainable rules about it. DD isn't quite fully into this yet, but we do have the fits, and she's allowed to choose which clothes she wears, and to try to put them on herself for as long as she's seriously working on putting them on. But she is not allowed to just wear shoes, or do anything else until she gets her clothes on. If she makes it clear to me that the yogurt must be in the original container before I put it in the bowl, she can have it in the original container. Otherwise, she can have the container and the bowl, but I won't put it back from the bowl into the container.

[daisymommy]

We are sooooo strugling with this at our house...actually have been for about a year now (when he turned 2). Everything is "I TRY!" or "I DO IT!" and of course, "MINE!". I know this is normal to want independence and trying to master things themselves, but sheesh! At what point do I draw the line so that he recognizes he is not the adult, the authority figure, or the center of the universe? Right now he really thinks it's all about him in everyway. Sometimes I let him do things, or have things, but other times I dont--I feel I haev to set some limit to the amount of child centered choices and activity or he really will grow up to be a celf-centered brat. Sorry if that sounded harsh! But I love my child, and want him to turn out well. It's just so hard to know what to do, and when to say no.

[Momof3Labs]

We've been teaching DS how to "ask nicely" for the last few months. I don't mind if he asks me sweetly "Mommy, please..." but don't like the whinies and don't like tears and demands. But he did go through a rough period when he would ask nicely and I still said no ("But Mommy, I asked nicely!"); he's gotten to understand that he can ask, but that doesn't mean he'll get it. I do like that asking nicely teaches him to show respect for others in the family, and it does give him reason to calm down quickly if he wants a shot at getting what he's asking for!

I do agree with choosing your battles. In parking lots, DS has two choices - hold our hands and walk nicely, or be carried. That's it. And he understands it now - not that we never have to carry him, but if we do, he doesn't fight it because he knows that it is the alternative.

It's tough balancing the need for toddler independence and setting limits; we're by no means out of the woods! But this is what has helped us so far.

[Dcclerk]

I struggle with this, also. I think I have been going with the go with what he wants if it can happen easily, but not every time. Prevention is always a goal, but not to the extent that it puts out me, or the rest of the family, much. I don't want to be at the point of walking on eggshells around my guy. I've noticed that lately I have been saying a lot of, "I'm listening to you, and I understand that you want to do ____. We can't always do it that way. Since we have already done ___ a different way, we'll try to do it the way you want to next time." Usually, that is sufficient for my guy.

However, one thing I have recently learned, is that once the tantrum starts, no appeasing can be had. Initially, because it was so out-of-character, I would try to figure out what he wanted and make it happen. I've found, however, that it prolongs all of our agony. I think his big feelings have been so intense, he doesn't know why they are happening, and so he, too, is grasping at straws for what is going on. When I gave him what he wanted, and the big feelings didn't go away, it through him into more of a fit. When that happens I try to reflect his feelings, and show that I understand that he is XYZ and that it is ok to feel XYZ, but that he cannot do ______. Then I give him 2 choices, if he wants to continue to scream, he can do so, but it hurts mommy's ears, and he needs to do it in his room with the door shut, or I will hold him while he works through his big feelings. It takes a while for both options, but he honestly can't deal with more than those 2 choices.

[JacksMommy]

This is definitely normal terrible twos behavior but it certainly could be worse if she is having some insecurity around the baby. My DS gets much more particular about things if he is tired or otherwise cranky. It's not really important to determine whether this is baby-related (except to make sure she's getting plenty of attention, which I'm sure you already are) because the tx is the same.

I think it is fine to let your DD order people around some when it is not terribly inconvenient to you. We have given DS a lot of "power" over small things that don't matter and he is, at 3 yo, most definitely not selfish or bratty. AS PPs have said, discipline the behavior that is obnoxious - the whining, tantrum throwing etc, but try to let her have her reasonable requests when they are made the right way. I think there is so much that kids are not allowed or able to do that it's great to give them some sense of control over the things that aren't a big deal to us. Obviously, you will want to set some limits but you will know these when they happen - for example, my DS went through a period where he would insist on changing shoes even if he initially chose the shoes we put on. Then he'd want to change them again, and again, and again and would throw a massive tantrum when we said no. This was driving us insane as you might imagine. So we started saying "ok, we are going to choose shoes now - whichever shoes you choose now are the ones you will wear." Tantrums galore at first, but it worked.

HTH,


Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[californiagirl]

One of the things I really struggle with is figuring out the difference between the cases where I'm going to ask for the behavior I eventually want, and cases where I need to accept that she's going through a phase, and go with it, and it will go away all by itself. Slowly I'm learning that for us, some kinds of "giving in" actually help us move forward faster. So, for instance, sometimes she needs extra help to go to sleep. If I try to hold the line, we can spend an entire night of torture, and then the next night, and so on. I suppose it might work eventually, but I can't take it. If I "give in", and cuddle her to sleep one night, it's a faster, easier transition back to her being able to sleep on her own. Often the next night she goes right off to sleep, no problem. It's always at least better. She needs what she needs, and if we can meet those needs, she will move on by herself.

That doesn't mean I believe in letting her rule the household; but I try hard not to panic that she's still going to be utterly self-centered when she's 17. Yes, some boundaries are necessary, but I think you can go pretty far in appeasement without dooming your child to self-centeredness.