How do I find a "mother's helper?"

[JenaW]

After reading some of the replies on my B*tching Post, you and DH have convinced me that I need some help. I felt like asking for help was admitting failure....so many other mom's can "do-it-all," why do I feel like I can't do any of it?? But I am realizing that the lack of sleep (staying up after the older kids are in bed to TRY and so some semblance of cleaning, waking up multiple times throughout the night to feed Natalie or check on her because she is alarming, getting up at the crack of dawn (my son wakes up between 5-6am most days)) is making me a miserable jerk who can not deal with even the simplest of things. Yesterday, for instance, we were planning on going to a local church festival for dinner so I had nothing planned. DH was running late (he's on call thie week) and was FINALLY headed home around 6:30. I should have realized how late it was and given the kids a snack, but he called at 4ish, and said he should be done soon, so I kept thinking he would be home anytime. When he finally called, the kids took the phone distraction as permission to do whatever they wanted, which at that time meant eating. C got into a carton of blueberries and M was eating a tomato like an apple....neither of which are bad, it just completely set me off, and I started yelling like a banshee (is that how you spell that???). Then DH decides we really don;t have enough money this month to go out to eat, so why don't I just cook something at home. Of course, now it is nearly 7pm, nothing is defrosted, and we need a new proprane tank for the grill. So I flip out on him, which he does not tolerate. This morning I ignored my son when he got up shortly after 5 (DH had just left because he had to round this weekend). Natalie is sick - probably an exacerbation of her chronic lung disease - our pulm threatened admission when we saw him Thursday morning (I should have taken it, at least it would have been a quiter weekend), and said he would have insisted with any other family, but he felt comfortable with DH and I keeping her at home because we would know when things got too bad for us to handle. She has a horrible cough and was up all night fussing and hacking. Several times after eating she would cough so hard she'd vomit, which necessitated several late night outfit changes. She also is requriing higher and higher amts of oxygen, so she kept alarming all night. Needless to say I got very little sleep, and knew if I got up at 5, none of us would survive the day. When I realized the kids were too quiet and finally got up to check on them around 6:30, I found them in the chair in their room each with a half gallon of now melted ice cream (most of it on themselves and the chair). No clue how Maddie got out of her crib (that's a new one). I know C can get out and moves a kitchen chair over the to freezer or pantry shelves to help himself.

ANyways....this is turning into another b*tch post. What I need to know is how do I go about finding a mother's helper. DH thinks if we could get someone in the house for 4-5 hours a day most days, it would be a huge help. She could watch and play with the kids so I could get an afternoon nap, plan/cook dinner, do laundry, etc. I tried emailing some of the mom's from my Mother's Group at Church, but haven't had much luck. Most of their older daughter's already have "jobs' of some sort for the summer, or they are going on vacation soon, or aren't interested. I checked Craig's List, and saw one ad for a 10yo, but she lives too far away on the other side of the city. I have placed my own Craig's List and Pennysaver ads in the past when looking for an evening babysitter, and have not had any luck at all. I keep trying to convince myself that it is only a few more weeks until C starts preschool (IF we can get him potty trained), and I was hoping to put M in a YMCA 2yo preschool for the same 2h/day 2d/week if we can afford it. The problem is - the preschool C will go to at our CHurch is nearly a 15-20 minute drive away (depending on traffic), while M's is right by our house. her drop off time is 15min later and her pick-up time is 15 min earlier than him. All ofmy grocery shopping etc is near C's school. I am not sure how this is going to help me much except for giving me a two hour break from them. Not really enough time to do much by the time I drop them off and get back home or back to the store. C's school does have a stay-and-play option that we need to look into....maybe that would help. Honestly, he has become such an aggressive child (probably because of my aggresison towards him) that I am scared to send him to pre-school. Can you get kicked out of pre-school at 3???

Well...now that this has become a novel and tunred into a vent post, I need to get my kids (who are actually playing quietly and nicely together for once) into the tub to wash off the ice cream residue so we can go grocery shopping so I can make a pasta salad for a picnic one of DH's co-workers is having this afternoon. ARGH!!! DOes it ever end???


Jera
(crabby, tired, insane mother of three, with another one the way)

I don't know any mothers who can really do it all. It sounds like you are doing it all and more. Most moms I know, including myself, aspire to be as good a mom as you are.
You are not admitting failure by asking help, you are admitting "human"-ness.
You rock momma!!
Good luck with your search.

[jadamom]

Sorry you are having such a tough time. Our babysitter found jobs by leaving fliers in her neighbors' mailboxes. Maybe you could consider doing that? Or you could try sittercity.com. Good luck!

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

I certrainly cannot do it all. I to get mad and angry when the kids are not behaving ;)
We have a mothers helper who is the daughter of a friend. She only comes two mornings a week, but is is a lifesaver!
I would suggest looking at your church...can they put something in the bulletin, or can you post a flyer somewhere? I dont know if you are near a college or highschool, but posting there as well would get you someone. I think maybe 4-5 hours a day is too much for any one person, but maybe if you could find 2 to help, and then they may be able to watch the kids on occasional nights and weekends as well.
Best of luck to you!

[tarynsmum]

This sounds really crazy, but I had no idea you lived in Pgh until you mentioned the PennySaver. A little light went off in my head. What part of Pgh are you? Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it. (BTW, I'm in the Penn Hills area).

[BaileyBea]

Finding a good Mother's Helper is hard. But I think it's a good idea. They will probably help you tons and be worth the money and the lack of stress etc..

I'm in the last stretch of my pregnancy and haven't been feeling so hot. I hired 3 young ladies to come help me throughout the week. I found them through neighbhors and by sending out a very desperate email for help. to everyone I knew with kids.

It's been a huge help. I have them for 3-4 hours per day and I am able to get cleaning done around the house during this time. I just have one daily goal each day to achieve one thing and that's enough. There is no way I can do it all. No way!

Email your friends, contact local churches, lookup local nanny/babysitting services. One babysitter works at Gymboree. You can call your local Gymboree play gym and ask them if any of the gals that work there babysit etc.... I also got some help for when the baby arrives. I hired a friend of my Doula to help me drive DS to and from MDO and run errands for us. Just start asking everyone you know.

Good luck! I think you are amazing. I'll pray that you find some good supportive help soon. Hang in there.

[lmintzer]

Jera,
You poor thing! You're managing so, so much. Of course it isn't going pefectly--it just couldn't. You're only one person, and your little kiddos are all so small. And Natalie needs so much care!

It is absolutely NOT a failure in any way to need help. I have a babysitter come 1-2 days/week for 3-4 hours just so I can get a break. And that's from only 2 kids who are generally pretty healthy. They are spirited and can drive me to near insanity. And my clinical psych. background doesn't help there either--because I'm human and get my buttons pushed and get worn out just like anyone else.

To be totally honest, a mother's helper is the very least I'd recommend. It would probably be enough for now, but after the baby, you are going to need someone competent in newborn care so that you can safely attend to Natalie when she needs you.

Can your church do anything to help? Do they have a babysitting list? Can you hire a doula or a part-time nanny for after the baby arrives? Is there family who could come lend a hand?

I know good help is very hard to find and is costly. I'm paying an arm and a leg for my babysitter. But think of it as an investment in preserving you--you need to be in a reasonably okay place to care for your kiddos.

Thinking of you, and sending strength and good wishes!

[MommyAllison]

Does your church have a youth pastor or youth group to ask for volunteers from? Is there a Children's Ministry? Maybe one of the volunteers that works in the nursery or preschool rooms? GL!

Allison

[kijip]

I certainly don't know any mothers that really do it all and I have never met a family about to have 4 under 3 and 1/2 except for an independantly wealthy family with a SAHD AND a 30 hour a week professional nanny where the mother worked pt hours outside the home. Even then the parents and the nanny were all frazzled!

I am relieved to see this post. You owe it to yourself, your 3 precious children and the baby you are carrying to take a load off and get some help. Being in a cycle where you are exploding at your kids is not healthy, sets up a difficult relationship with them and leaves you feeling guilty. It also eats up energy that you need to be saving for all the work your body is doing. You should be proud for taking a strp towards getting some help. You are doing the best that you can do and there is no shame in needing help!

As for finding a mother's helper, perhaps you could post at places where teenagers are this summer like swimming pools, community centers etc. Is there a school nearby? With school starting up again you may need to see about getting a few different helpers as it is unlikey that during the school year 1 teen is going to be able to work each afternoon but you might be able to get 2-3 helpers to each work 1-2 afternoons. Unless you are hiring an experienced nanny and not a mother's helper I would never put the employee in the position of watching the kids alone while you are not in the house. If there is an American Red Cross babysitter training class in your town you might call the instructor and see if they can make a reccomendation.

Good luck! You deserve the help!

[saschalicks]

Jera,
Here are a few suggestions:

1) Can you start thinking of getting groceries delivered? I know for us Vons.com (Safeway) does it for $10. It is a life saver and they had pretty much everything we needed. Most importantly we didn't have to do the shopping other then sitting on the computer. I know money is tight for you (us too), but this could be such a lifesaver for you.

2) Is there a local college or junior college within a good distance? Find out if you can post there? If you could post there that would be great. And you are perfect for working around their class schedules when school starts again.

3) You said there was a YMCA, see if there is a place to post there. Or talk to one of the pre-school teachers to see if they know anyone willing to help out.

4) How about DH inquiring at the hospital with the nurses. Maybe they have kids or know someone who is looking for something like what you need.

5) Another thing is to call a baby-sitting agency. I think this would be the last resort b/c it may cost more then you would like. They may be able to send someone who could fit your bill.

I really do hope you can get some help soon. You are a super mom. Nothing that you feel is abnormal. You are a wonderful woman and I hope you find some help soon.