"When Mom and Dad Share It All" - NY Times article on shared parenting

[citymama]

Interesting cover story from the Sunday June 15 NY Times magazine on shared parenting, or rather, shared child and homecare responsibilities between parents.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/ma...f60&ei=5087%0A

My husband and I just read this together - we had exactly this arrangement till our DD was 18 months old. Now we split home-care responsibilities approx 50-50 (I think he actually does more than 50%!) but I do more childcare than him because I work a reduced work-week. And fortunately, I get to do 100% of kiddie clothes-shopping. ;-)

An interesting read!

[BeachBum]

Humm... Interesting, I'm glad that that family found an arrangement that works for them. But, it's not the "ideal" to me or for our family. My husband and I do not share things 50-50% and I don't want to and he doesn't either.

We both do the things we want to do, and suit us best. For example, my husband would not enjoy planning a birthday party and I look forward to it all year. I have never had a paying job that I enjoyed and DH looks forward to going to work each day. I love being a stay at home parent (and for a while I was a stay at home wife) and because I am with DS all day of course I know his schedule and desires a bit better than DH does. That doesn't mean that I can't leave for the weekend and DH can't handle it. On the other hand, DH and DS spend hours down at the pond looking for critters and collecting "special things" which I don't enjoy at all.

As for division of household labor, most of it falls to me but the house wouldn't work if DH wasn't involved. He does dishes, laundry and fixes all broken stuff. I enjoy doing all the shopping, and I love to cook.

While I understand that many women feel that they get the short end of the stick doing the bulk of child rearing, housework, and working full time I resent the implication that because my husband and I do practice typical gender roles that there is something wrong.

[maestramommy]

We don't share parenting 50-50 for the simple reason that I am a SAHM and Dh works out of the home. When he IS at home I couldn't tell you whether we share childcare/household duties 50-50. It's hard to say because I do the things I'm good at and he does the things he's good at and the other stuff we tag team. I'm sure at times it feels like I do more of the work, but there are probably times when he feels the same way. We just have open talks about it from time to time. Or when one of us needs an extra hand or time off we are upfront about it.

I recently read an aweseome book called Mommy Mantras, and the authors said that there are times when it just seems like the moms carry more of the load and doesn't feel fair. And instead of stewing in resentment over it, she gave some mantras to help get through it, because it's not going to last forever (at least it shouldn't). I found that really helpful and it also put things into perspective for me. Meaning yes sometimes it feels unequal but when we signed up for mommyhood we signed up for everything, even the sucky parts, and we can get through it feeling much better about it when we stop stewing over something we can't (temporarily) change.

[citymama]

Originally Posted by BeachBum

Humm... Interesting, I'm glad that that family found an arrangement that works for them. But, it's not the "ideal" to me or for our family.

While I understand that many women feel that they get the short end of the stick doing the bulk of child rearing, housework, and working full time I resent the implication that because my husband and I do practice typical gender roles that there is something wrong.

I don't think there was anything about the article implying that this is *the* right way or anything. It is definitely a "man bites dog" story in that it's so unusual, that it's newsworthy. I agree with you that every family needs to find out a balance and arrangement that works for them, and that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

I guess this story interested me and my husband because we aspire to something like this but have found it challenging in practice. My husband is a much better cook; I have higher standards for cleaning; he takes care of the typical guy stuff (car, repairs, etc); I love to do the kiddie shopping and social scheduling - so we have a fairly straightforward way for us to split home responsibilities.

The tougher one is definitely work, and whose work takes precedence when - for eg, my DD's daycare is closed today, and the automatic assumption for both of us was that I would be the one staying home with her. I definitely related to the points made in the article about how most men and women just assume that women's jobs and employers are more flexible - I certainly insist on having that flexibility whereas my husband doesn't, and his employer is not exactly thrilled by the time he takes off for pediatrician's appts etc.

I'm curious how such arrangements will evolve and change over the next several years, when our kids are parents....

[mom2chloe]

Originally Posted by maestramommy

I recently read an aweseome book called Mommy Mantras, and the authors said that there are times when it just seems like the moms carry more of the load and doesn't feel fair. And instead of stewing in resentment over it, she gave some mantras to help get through it, because it's not going to last forever (at least it shouldn't). I found that really helpful and it also put things into perspective for me. Meaning yes sometimes it feels unequal but when we signed up for mommyhood we signed up for everything, even the sucky parts, and we can get through it feeling much better about it when we stop stewing over something we can't (temporarily) change.

I haven't read the article, so forgive me for posting before I do... But I LOVE this comment.. and think I need to grab this book... I always jokingly say, "The saying isn't 'A MAN's work is never done'", and accept the fact that I'm always the one cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing child care related things... but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. I don't do well sitting still.