Let's brainstorm about "It's mine!" "No, it's mine!" fights

[american_mama]

I am often frustrated at how often my children can argue about "It's mine!" "No, it's mine!" and downright amazed at how ineffective I feel at dealing with such a minor and commonplace sibling issue. I don't think I'm the only one struggling with this.

So, can we just brainstorm about any and all ideas of how to resolve this type of argument? I don't need a treatise about THE answer (although I'll take that too), I want like 20 ideas so I can use whichever one suits the moment best. This comes up in my house, at neighbors, with toys, with turns, with large playground equipment, with turf ("That's MY dancespace in front of the TV" occurred today), with choosing bedtime stories or music... everything.

My ideas:

1. Use a watch or timer and each kid gets the toy for a certain short amount of time. Of course, determining who gets the toy first can be tricky and usually results in my older daughter stalking away in a huff.... oh well, problem is still solved, right? :-) Ahh, I wish I felt so cavalier in regular life. This approach is what I usually do, but it sure doesn't feel too effective.

2. Use a random method to determine who gets it or gets it first. Like take any small thing that's handy (even a blade of grass), hide it in your hand , and whoever guesses which hand has the blade gets the toy. In my family, results in arguments about who goes first to choose the hand and ends with BOTH my girls crying, but works great for my sister.

3. Take the toy away completely. I never do this and it doesn't work if the thing isn't take-away-able (like arguing over the coveted spot on a swingset).

4. If there's a tug of war, put your hand over the toy so no one is using it until it's resolved. This sounded great when I read the approach once online, complete with an explanation of why you put your hand over it rather than take the thing away completely, but I don't recall the rationale and it ends up making me feel like part of the tug-of-war.

5. For bedtime stories and music, we need to set up a simple policy of one night A decides, next night B decides, with an actual chart or dial to remind us. But it's only a sporadic issue in our house and it's not currently in fashion, so no solution necessary right now.

Anyway, all those ideas make it seem like I should be able to better handle this, but I'm not. I respond daily to screams of "It's mine!", walk into a battlezone scene where one of my girls has usually hit the other or walks away crying before I can intervene. And then things really go downhill. I'd really like some ideas for changing that pattern.

[neeter]

My kids are younger than yours (4 yrs and 15 months), but sofar I threaten to take the toy away if they can't figure it out. Usually they work it out (the 4 year old will stop fighting for it, and just wait for his turn...which is fine because usually its the older one who grabbed it in the first place).

[randomkid]

We went through this with my stepdaughters who are now 15 and 17. We always tried to teach them to work things out themselves so they would learn these skills for later in life (I see them use it now sometimes, but with bigger issues, we still have to intervene). It seems simple, but this is what we did.

For toys, "you work it out or no one gets to play with it" and you have to be consistent. I don't care who had it first, if there is fighting, then the toy goes up on the shelf.

If they were playing a game and started fighting, we'd give them a warning and one chance (ok, maybe two) to work it out. If they kept fighting, we would just calmly walk over and start putting the game away. When we first did this, they would cry. After a few times, it turned into acceptance. They'd just sit there and watch us, then we'd say "put it away" and they would have to finish cleaning up together.

At night, it was taking turns like you mentioned. If there was fighting over whose turn it was, then we made the decision for them. This was for books and those books on tape. They liked to listen to those when falling asleep. If they couldn't agree or fought over who decides, we decide or it's no tape/book at all.

It sounds very harsh, but it's the only way to control the fighting. I think letting one of them have the toy still rewards the receiver and that will just reinforce the fighting. You know, "well, if I fight for it, I MIGHT get it." They have to know that fighting for it means nobody gets it.

ETA: I just reread your post and I think if you simplify it for yourself, you will reduce your stress level with this. Instead of "20 things", adopt an approach. When you read my post, you'll see a common theme. Work it out or nobody gets to do it. I think that message, if consistent, is simpler for the kids. If you can't take the toy away (i.e. the swingset), then you just tell them that if they can't take turns, then nobody gets to swing. If they continue fighting, you leave the playground and go home. It's really hard and there will be tantrums, but it sends a strong message. Your other example of the dance spot - I would just say, "you each pick a spot or the TV goes off and nobody dances". If you have too many different solutions, then they will just keep trying different things to get their way.

Believe me, they want to play, so when they learn that they both will lose whatever it is, they will start working together. I'm not saying you won't have to intervene, but the battling will be less. Trust me. My stepdaughters didn't even know how to communicate with each other when DH and I started dating (they were 4 and 6). The youngest would literally grunt at the older one if she wanted her to do something. DH's ex did not discipline and would intervene whenever he tried. So, if we made it work for them, it will work for you. The key is following through and really doing it and being consistent.

Good Luck

[brittone2]

Originally Posted by randomkid

We went through this with my stepdaughters who are now 15 and 17. We always tried to teach them to work things out themselves so they would learn these skills for later in life (I see them use it now sometimes, but with bigger issues, we still have to intervene). It seems simple, but this is what we did.

Agreeing with helping them learn to work things out on their own. Most books like Siblings Without Rivalry, etc. recommend this. The language they usually suggest is something like...

"I see two children who want to play with the same toy. What kind of a solution would work to make both kids happy?" and let them throw out ideas. Ask each one what they think of the other child's suggestions.

You'll definitely have to be involved, but by enabling them to problem solve this (with some help), you avoid "taking sides" and you are equipping them with a great life skill.

My own DD is a bit young for this at 18 months (DS is 4), but I'm surprised sometimes if I let him work out a solution he often comes up with something that makes them both happy (he offers her an alternative toy for example, and she happily accepts it sometimes. It may not look "fair" to an adult, but if she's happy, she's happy, kwim?).

eta: we do set timers for playing with a desired toy sometimes. I rarely take it away but would depending on circumstances (but that would only be after exhausting a lot of other options, and I can only think of a handful of times I've done this). DS has a selection of toys that are his and he keeps in his own room. He's allowed to close the door and play with them in there without sharing them with DD. If they come out of his room, then she's allowed to play with them.

[o_mom]

One of the books I read about siblings suggested staying out of it as much as possible. I can't remember for the life of me which one - Siblings without Rivalry? Jasons Breathing on Me? - sorry, brain is frazzled. I do that as much as possible as long as nobody is getting hurt. For non-siblings, I intervene much quicker and usually spend more time on negotiations.

I think the PP that said you can't reward the fighting is correct. If I jump in right away, they don't have a chance to try and work it out. However, if the noise level gets too high, then I usually given them one shot at negotiation (of which we use many of the items listed - timer, dividing, etc.) and then it goes into time out. This of course works mainly for toys. We don't get too much of the "who sits where" arguements for some reason.

If it is clearly one goading the other, then one gets removed. For example, DS1 is doing his Legos at the table and DS2 is breaking them, stealing them, etc., then DS2 is removed from the situation. (DS2 does not get Legos, so it clearly is not fighting over a common toy).

Also, I got over a long time ago the notion that every single thing had to be negotiated, decided "fairly" or otherwise put back into a state that encoraged competition or someone coming out as the "loser". If they decide to take turns, I hand it to whoever and say "It's your turn first". Same with which color plate, etc. I will say "DS1 gets the pink plate today, DS2 can have it tomorrow". For my kids, opening these things up to them deciding elevated it way beyond the level of decision that it needed. I'm not saying that I don't give them choices, but we could spend hours picking out cups and plates that made everyone happy.

For us this also goes back to teaching them what things are important. DS1, especially, does not always do well with decisions. He will take eons to decide something, change his mind and then we start all over. Even picking between two shirts would have him in tears. Looking back, my giving him choices and trying to get him to decide in hopes that he would be happier with it was telling him that the color of his shirt was "very important". Here I was, the adult, telling him to make this "very important" decision. Much too stressful for him. So, we went back to "here's your shirt, wear it" and gradually he relaxed about it. Now, he can go pick from a drawer full of shirts without a problem.

Much of this is the personality of the child. Some kids do much better when they have input into every decision. DS1 does not. It is worth looking at situations, though, to see if you are inadvertently reinforcing that something is more important than it should be.