Big Big Dinner Time problems-please help! (LONG)

[purpleeyes]

Hello all~

We are experiencing some dinner probs...there have been some major upsetting changes in our family in the past 5 months, and by the end of the day I know that both DS and I are really feeling it. So, DS has stopped eating dinner, I'd say 3 to 4 times a week. I have tried a number of different things-we do the bath before dinner, then he has quiet time (TV) while I finish making dinner, then we eat all together at a slow pace. I have somewhat modified the types of dinner for him (i.e.-no soy sauce on his rice/chicken, keeping food separate, giving him the veggies he likes). I"m not making separate meals, but I am trying to accomodate him somewhat to avoid the battles and stress. We are eating earlier, also. I have worked really hard to remain calm, not pressure him, ask him firmly, but not get into a power struggle and I do feel that I am doing good with that interaction. When he doesn't eat, I don't want to 'reward' him with playtime, so I ask him to go to his room and play with quiet toys, read, etc. while I clean up. Then I bring DD up and we start the bedtime routine. I don't usually give him something else to eat (I don't want him to think he can get something he likes if he doesn't eat what I made) but sometimes my heart wins out-I hate to think of him being hungry.
Well tonight, I went up to check on him around 6:30 and he was in bed, with the nightime diaper on, teeth brushed, ASLEEP!!! I felt so horrible, I started crying. I know, I know, I should be so happy he is so good and responsible, but I just felt so bad that he did it all by himself and went to bed alone without a book or cuddles...
I just want to make sure he is ok AND eating enough. Any advice for easing this time of night? (Oh, and its just the 3 of us-me and the kids)
And tonights dinner? It was PIZZA, for crying out loud!!

THANKS SO MUCH!!

[octmom]

I don't have any suggestions, but I am really sorry you are going through this rough patch.

[ThreeofUs]

so sorry you're having hard times! your son sounds like a really good guy. {hugs}

you know, tho', food is the last place you need to be a struggle. have you read "who's the boss?" by glaser and lavin? they have a really nice and short discussion of food issues and how to deal.

[brittone2]

DS is 4.5 and frequently eats very little dinner. A good friend has a child the same age and we often talk about how they don't eat.

Does he eat a decent breakfast and lunch?

I'd just follow his lead, honestly. He won't starve himself and I wouldn't consider it rewarding him if he plays. I would encourage him to stay at the table and participate in conversation.

My parents did the whole you have to eat thing. Of course, that was common back then. They were just commenting on seeing some show (The Doctors or something like that?) with Bob Sears. The one family was having issues getting their DS to eat. Long story short, Bob said to just let it go. Don't make an issue of it. Eventually the DS started eating. Anyway, my parents thought it was interesting because they know that's basically what we do, and they mentioned that they regret "making" us eat (which I totally understand as it was what most parents did in those days).

Unless there are other changes you are worried about (doesn't seem/look healthy, doesn't have enough energy, complaining of not feeling well, etc.), I would truly let it go.

Your job is to provide the meal, his is to eat when he's hungry.

Have you ever looked at Ellyn Satter's books? I've never actually read them but we essentially follow her philosophy. Her books/philosophy are generally highly recommended here.

One other option is a snack tray. MDC has a great, lengthy thread with suggestions for filling a snack tray w/ healthy snacks that your child can access. I know some people on MDC have suggested not making a separate meal for DC, but allowing them to pull out the remainder of the day's snack tray for dinner. We're also willing to accomodate something very basic like yogurt as a substitute for our regular dinner, but fortunately our kids aren't super picky (although they are both light eaters in general).

[MamaMolly]

Awwwww. poor lambie. What a sweetheart. I totally get that you are sad about your DS being such a great little man, but what a big, big boy!

Sounds like you are doing everything right. As things settle down his appetite will probably return. For now I'd maybe make sure he had a really healthy snack after lunch and a really healthy breakfast.

Big, big hugs to all of you.

[ShanaMama]

I am sorry you're going through such a hard time.
I would've cried too seeing my child go to bed without any snuggles.
But I wouldn't worry so much about the eating. My 3 yo is a picky eater and often picks at dinner. I try to remember something I once read on here: at this age it's about how much they eat over a week, not over a day. In the course of a week, if he's getting a basic nutritious diet you don't really have to worry about his daily intake. As a pp said, he won't starve.
I hope things start to get better for you.

[o_mom]

Is he asking for food later if he doesn't eat? Is he asking for something different or just not eating?

The biggest thing that stands out to me in your post is the idea of "rewarding" eating or not eating. As long as you see it that way, it will be a power struggle. Given all the upheaval, I would imagine he is trying to control something in his life and food is it.

I find that dinner is the least consumed meal no matter what it is. If they have a good breakfast and lunch then I don't sweat a missed dinner.

I'm sorry you are having trouble. Missing the bedtime snuggles would get me upset too.

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

So sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with the pp that this sounds like a control thing. He's got a lot going on so he wants to control this. I'd say make sure he eats well during the day and when it comes to dinner ask him to sit at the table with you for a little while even if he doesn't eat. At least then he's participated in the dinner. Then when he wants to get up he can ask if he can be excused. But in between if he eats-great. If he doesn't that's ok too.

I think if you just relax and treat it like it's no big deal that he'll come around. Just my thoughts though.

[StantonHyde]

I make my kids separate meals and they often eat in front of videos--as long as they eat something, I don't care. I am totally into Ellen Satter (who probably would not agree with my videos during dinner ).

The bottom line is that you provide a meal with a back up (easy, like pbj). He decides if he wants to eat. There is no reward or punishment for eating.

With all that you are going through, I would be making my kids mac and cheese and a total Beaver Cleaver meal would be the last thing on my mind. Cuddling and playing would be first. BIIIIIIG hugs to you--the sleeping thing with no cuddles would have hurt me too. You are just going through such big adjustments---gentle on yourself mamma....gentle.

[lilycat88]

DD is 4 1/2 and is soso on dinner as well. I don't sweat it. We have sliced apples or pears or oranges at nearly every dinner and a couple of times a week, that's all she eats. She simply isn't hungry. It's hard, though. I was brought up in a family where the preparation of a good meal was proof of love and security by my mom and I was to show that love in return by eating what was given to me. Can you say "lifelong food issues!". Wrapping food up in the middle of a lot of other emotional or stressful things can lead to problems. He won't starve so I'd just focus on the cuddles and don't stress over the food. It will make both of you feel better.