How do I help dh?

[tmarie]

My dh is stressed out about work. He has been working in the same firm since graduating and has never worried about job security. For the first time ever, he suddenly has very little work to do--he gets paid based on what he bills. He seems quieter than usual and I don't feel like he is finding a lot of joy in life--with the exception of hanging out with our dc. He isn't taking out his frustration on us in any abusive or overt way--but it is making me feel really anxious seeing him like this. It is so depressing. He comes home, plays with the girls a little, puts the older one to bed, then collapses in front of the TV and falls asleep. Tonight I asked him if we could just hang out a little and chat after the kids went to bed. He just talked about how stressful work is and how awful it is not to be busy...he just said "I just have to find a way to work it out." I don't think he ever anticipated he would have a job security problem and now he just seems unable to react and adjust. I keep asking if he wants me to go out and look for a job and he says no, not yet. I gently suggested he might consider talking to his doctor about getting an anti-depressant or or sleeping pill....but he brushed that off. He is open to looking for another job (for the first time ever!) but won't do anything now because he is convinced no one is hiring. His inaction and denial are scaring me. I've tried to relay these concerns to him but I am not getting through. He has always been the breadwinner and although I know he respects me, he doesn't seem to want to take advice from me on this front.

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation with dh? Any advice?

TIA,

tmarie

[Mayme714]

I am going through something similiar. My DH is also a "work stressor" We are very fortunate in that my dh is making about quadruple of what we need to "survive" (I am a SAHM) We are being very smart about our money and saving most of it because in reality his job can change on a dime. He is in the mortgage industry and the industry is still very unstable. They actually just cut commissions 54%. Even still,he will be making more than enough for us to live.

WIth that said, he is constantly stressing about what's going to be. He just wants to be the best provider and make sure I can still stay home and we wont lose our house. We bought a house when the market was at it's highest, so now we are so upside down, we could've had 2 houses for what we paid for ours. this is a constant cause of stress too.but hey what's done is done. DH feels that this job isn't going to last forever and is totally stressing about what happens when that happens.

I've had the same convo w/him about seeing someone about his anxiety and try to talk with him about it. My DH doesn't share how he feels. My DH just joined a gym to work out some of the stress. Hopefully, that will help. Besides just being there to listen and assuring him you'll get through whatever is thrown at you, it's so hard to "help" I just remind my dh that we have options and well get through it. I've also said to lets come up with a plan b so if the worst happens we'll be prepared. that's all you can do.

hang in there.
amy

[pinkmomagain]

My DH is very similar and has actually been out of work for 18 months now. A year was paid and now he is starting his own consulting business. His mind focuses mostly around working and his identity is very much tied up with it. I guess I am lucky (really?) in the sense that he talks about his worries/anxieties/insecurities very openly with me all.the.time. I tend to be the cheerleader of the household....trying to keep everyone "up." He also is a go-getter so he's been doing some great stuff these past 18 months in terms of self-promotion, networking etc. But there have been a few times when he has sort of clammed up and sought alone time...kinda acting depressed. I've allowed him some space during those times, but I've also tried to pull him out....like arrange for a babysitter to go out to dinner and a movie, etc. I also make him walk for exercise with me every day. Maybe you can do something similar. Also, maybe you can suggest he meet up with former colleagues at other firms for drinks/dinner? Or offer to have them over to your house for dinner? Try to encourage the networking to put feelers out there and get a real sense of what the market is like right now for his profession in your area.

It stinks, I know first hand. You've gotta be the rock right now.

[Indianamom2]

I don't have a lot of advice to offer except to say that I totally understand. My Dh is also low on billable work (the whole firm is, due to the economy) and he specializes in estate planning and tax work (Death and taxes, the two things you can always count on, right?)

The stress level of having to have so many billable hours is ridiculous, IMO. I don't know how every single attorney out there isn't depressed. If I were you (and I have been), I'd keep gently encouraging him to at least talk to someone about the stress. If you couch it as being worried about his health (which I know you are) and needing him, not harping, just gently and lovingly bringing it up when appropriate, he will eventually come around.

HUGS,

Christina