Alone...

[AJP]

It's Sunday night and my husband is still not home from work (10:45pm) . He left the house before 6am. He hasn't seen the girls in like forever. He saw them for 5 minutes on Thursday and spent a few hours as a family on Tuesday - like 5 or 6 hours. Every week has been like this for the past few months...we see him for a few hours on Sunday and Tuesdays. This sucks. He is self employed in the food business. I think I can't handle this much longer. Did I mention this sucks? I didn't sign up to be a single parent of twins with no husband. I put up with all the crap of having one.....shouldn't I (AND MY KIDS!) see him??????

[Clarity]

You're right, you should see him. I'm sorry. Have you tried telling him how you feel?

[hbridge]

We are so there with you. DC go days without seeing him. Even when DH is home, he's working...

My best advice, do your own thing. Let him know he's free to join you, but make plans, do stuff, assume he won't be there. If you have plans with him, have a backup plan.

It's REALLY hard, especially with very little one's, but it does get easier. Try talking to him, but remember he is working (not out having fun) so it's a tough thing to discuss without everyone getting angry and feeling misunderstood. Most likely he's doing what he feels is best for the family in providing for the needs.

It's especially tough when you see other fathers home every weekend and actually doing school drop-off/pick-up with their spouse.

Lots of hugs and know you are not alone. Around here dinner time is the worst. I NEVER know if he will be home or not...

[Melaine]

Oh that is so hard, especially when they are that age! My DH was in the restaurant biz for quite some time and the hours were one of the big reasons he wound up leaving it. I hope things get better one way or the other; I know you and DDs miss DH!

[TwinFoxes]

I really feel for you. Since our twins are close in age, I can say I don't know how you do it day in and day out. Besides the loneliness factor, the simple hard work of being with twins all day every day without another adult to help you out must be really difficult for you.

Is there an end in sight, or is this indefinite? I really think you have to say something to DH. The single parent analogy is a good one. It's not what you signed up for. Just thinking outside the box, since he works for himself, would it be possible for you all to maybe go see him for lunch each day? Or even for him to take the girls to work with him a couple of mornings/afternoons a week? His first reaction might be "no way" but maybe if he gave it a try, he'd see that it's actually doable. A pack and play in the corner, or a baby proofed conference room, and he'd even be able to leave them alone for a few seconds. Of course that doesn't solve the problem of you not seeing him...

Anyway, I really think you and HE(!) need to come up with a creative way, to change things. This situation can't continue or it could do serious damage to all of your relationships. Good luck!!!!!

[AJP]

You know ladies, I truly give huge props to single parents. Especially ones who do the day to day AND manage to have their stuff together enough to hold down a job as well as the house. I am blessed to be able to stay at home with my girls. I don't know how I would handle them AND manage to get to work every day while doing it all alone.
We're lucky he has work at all. I am aware of that. Thanks for all your supportive words, encouragement and advice. We opened this restaurant 2 years ago and he has been working just as much now as he was back then. We are hoping to get a license to sell beer & wine, and I'm hoping he can then build the place up a little more and then sell! I don't think he wants to sell at that point, but it will be best for all of us!
The poor guy is aware of how this is affecting all of us, but he is really short handed right now, and he's lucky he can jump in and cook, while maintaining all of the other necessary things. He knows I think it is really bad for him to work so many hours and he agrees...I try to let him know its not only for selfish reasons I want him to work less. When he does get time to spend with us, I have a hard time not being bitchy. It's like I resent it so much, that I have to remind myself to be happy when we're together. I have become such a control freak (from doing everything myself) that it's easier and more efficient for me to do everything for the girls even when we're together. It was easier when they were a few weeks old, he was here more, and he helped with everything.
So, we both have do change for the positive to happen. I just hope its not so much longer!!
AJ

[Globetrotter]

I can so relate! DH used to work all the time at a startup, but in the past two years he has been working elsewhere and I really sit back and wonder HOW I got through those days alone with two small children!

My solution was to build a social life that didn't require his presence, i.e. playgroups and playdates. That really kept me SANE, though I was still exhausted. And I totally understand it's hard to see other families hanging out on the weekends... for me, that was the hardest time to be alone, esp. Saturdays. It was hard going to parties with just the kids. I have a playgroup that meets on Sundays, and that was something nice to look forward to.

[AJP]

Yes, yes, yes...Saturdays & Sundays! They kill me. "Family Day". I am lucky to have my mom close by. She comes at least once a week, and we go somewhere once week, and then I stop by there twice a week as well. It sucks b/c I have my sister close by, but with 3 kids in school, their schedule is crazy. I get mad and think can't she stop by for coffee one morning a week just so I can have convo????? I used to spend all my free time at her house when she had 3 under 3 and her DH had some crazy hours for a while. I try to get out and do as much as I can, and have been going out with the twins alone since the first week. Yes, I get exhausted!!! Sometimes I'd rather spend the day out and spend all night picking up the house then staying home all alone.
I keep telling myself change for the better is in our future!

[MoJo]

AJ,
I was thinking about this in the middle of the night.

I know you said he's short-handed. Is business good enough to hire someone else? It seems to me what he needs is a good "right hand" person he can trust to run the place when he's not there. (And maybe someone who would eventually want to buy the business would be even better.)

I work for a small business owner, and I became his "right hand" person. Over time, I learned enough and he trusted me enough that he could leave me alone to run the place. So although he still comes in early and often works late, he also sees his family a few times a week for lunch, makes all of the kids' sporting events, and takes at least two week-long vacations with the family every year. He's taught me how to make decisions the way he would,

The end result is he's happy, I'm happy and his family is happy, to the point that he doesn't want to leave the business. Our customers are happy. This is what he worked for, and more so in the early years. I thought it could be a goal for him.

In the meantime, I agree with the PPs who said just assume he won't be there, so it's a pleasant surprise when he is. I have to do that with everything I want to do. . . . assume DH will have to work or will need to rest and won't want to participate.

[AJP]

Thanks Jo! Yes, he needs an additional right hand man. He already has one, but they are both so busy and swamped! I don't think he can afford to hire a second one and still comfortably make enough $ for us right now. Part of his problem is certain people have been trained etc, but they can't hack the business and he needs to replace 3 of them.
Have I mentioned how I LOVE this place??? LOL. We're lucky that business is good and we have a huge following. He has a lot to be proud of and I try to tell him all the time how proud I am also.
Today is Tuesday and for a while it was an "early" day for him. He'd get here between 4 & 5pm. He even had 2 Tuesdays off since July. I havn't heard from him all day about coming home early. He also got stuck there Sunday. I don't feel as bad today b/c I didn't expect him to arrive early as you all suggested. It helps that I had my mom here today to color my hair and keep the girls occupied for a while.
We do also try to go by twice a week, but we don't go during the rush at mealtime. He can come outside and see the girls for a few minutes so that helps.
Gotta run....crying twin!
Thanks again!!