need some objective opinions re: taking guardianship of my nephew

[purpleeyes]

Ok, I am just heartsick for my nephew and I so want to help, but it is very complicated. I was hoping someone who has maybe BTDT could help...or any other thoughts are appreciated!!!

Here's the basic story:

DN's mom is not the best (drugs, abusive boyfriend, who she won't leave despite a court order) so eventually his grandmother (my MIL) got custody of him. MIL got very very sick about 18 months ago. and it became pretty clear that she wouldn't be able to care for him for too much longer. H and I spoke at length about taking guardianship/custody of him as needed. BTW, this is all H's family.

Fast forward a bit and H decides to leave us. (That is a yucky story for another time!) MIL gets sicker and DN goes to live with his aunt and uncle in FL. This is ok, at least it is a family, but it is not the best place, IMO. H won't step up to the plate and take care of him, ARGH! I was less worried, as he was at least in a good home.

Fast foward to now...DN's aunt has decided she 'can't' do it any more. The only option for DN is his GREAT-uncle who lives somewhere in SC, no wife, no kids, no nothing. MIL is very very worried about it, as am I. H (who is a *&*#($#&ss) thinks it's no big deal and
"can't" do anything about it. BS! He "won't" do anything about it.

SOOOO, I would love to help in any way. I really want to take him in, honestly. But I am a single mom now. I have two little kids of my own. I am REALLY tight on money. But it feels like the right thing to do. Perhaps if he split the time wiht me and H? But I worry for my own kids. What will they say, with DN at Dad's, and they have less time with dad. Or if he does come to live wiht us and it is a difficult/impossible transition. My kids have been through so much, and they are my primary responsibliity...

I am very confused right now! TIA for any thoughts or responses!!

[kransden]

Don't have any advice, but I would like to give you a big

[WitMom]

Wow, what a wonderful and caring person you are to consider this. No advice to give, but lots of admiration is being sent your way.

[bigpassport]

Wow. You are a kind spirit for even considering this. How old is DN?

[purpleeyes]

Originally Posted by bigpassport

Wow. You are a kind spirit for even considering this. How old is DN?

He's 4 (going on 5-in Jan.) He's about 5 months younger then DS.

Also, thanks for everyone's kind words!!

[Momof3Labs]

It sounds like you should expect that, if you take him in, you will care for him alone. That is, he wouldn't go to H's house with your kids. Maybe that won't be the case, but it kinda sounds to me like it would.

Have you seen him recently? Do you know how his personality would mesh with your kids' personalities? Having two boys that close in age could be challenging. I ask these questions because you sound spread fairly thin, and if he is a needy child, you may be spread too thin for everyone's good.

As his foster parent, would you get any aid from the state? I know little about the foster system, but it might be worth asking if money ends up being the main reason that you would be hesitant to take him in.

[bubbaray]

I think Lori makes some great points.

I just wanted to add that I think you are an amazing person for even considering this.

[kali]

You are a special person for seriously considering fostering that poor little boy. Despite your H's behavior, and the fact that DN is not a blood relative, your post suggests that you think of him as family. I truly admire your big heart and your family values.

Would MIL and H chip in $$? Maybe even DN's mother and the extended family that would be off the hook if you took him in? Also, like Lori said, maybe the foster system would help financially. Are any of them local so that they could help with childcare? How do DS and DN get along? Maybe your DC would be glad to have a foster brother. Is DN living close to you now--could you try out a few days a week before making any long term arrangements?

As for what your kids will say: No doubt it would be a tough adjustment for them and they might resent the situation at times. However, I believe you would be setting an example of compassion and family responsibility that they would ultimately respect and value.

I obviously know very little about the situation, and don't presume to understand the challenges you are facing. I'm just trying to help you brainstorm ways to make this proposition work, and to give you some encouragement--hope I'm not overstepping. Good luck as you make this tough decision and please keep us posted!

[citymama]

Just wanted to send hugs to you for everything you're going through. I am sorry you are having to make tough choices that are obviously painful for you. Can you claim child support from your ex-H? What about from the bio parents of your DN, if you were to adopt him or serve as a legal guardian? And would there be any legal issues with your guardianship - would his bio parents challenge it?

I hope your ex-MIL gets well soon as she sounds like a caring person who could help raise this boy. I think you are a wonderful, caring person and I applaud and respect your desire to care for your nephew. I just hope whatever your decision, it's the best one for YOU, and for your kids and nephew. Take good care.

[blisstwins]

I think you must be a beautiful person to be able to keep the welfare of an innocent child in view despite the difficulties in your own life and the fact that much of that difficulty has been caused of blood relatives of that child.
I have no experience, but I think you should explore this option and all the implications. If you do take the boy for a short term trial I would not let him know that. Let him think it is a vacation. I cannot imagine what the instability in his life will do to his self-esteem. But it probably is a good idea to live the reality of his presence in your home before doing anything more permament.
As long as he is not in physical danger, can you try to be a much more active presence in his life. Invite him to stay with you for school vacations and the summer. That will give relief to his caregiver and help him to build stable relationships with you and your children? I think there are ways short of fostering him that you can be an important presence in his life. Good luck to you and your family.