How Would You Handle This?

[4Myluvbugs]

I've posted on here before about my "issues" with ILs and their favoritism and the unbalanced amount of time they spend with DN compared to our children. MIL has even asked at times if DCs could come over to "amuse DN" or "play with DN." Nice for them to spend time with him but they are not their to just entertain him and make sure his needs are met! DH has talked to them twice and tried to bring to their attention some of our concerns and the fact that DCs have noticed and would love a little bit more of their attention to equal (or even come close) to amount that is given to DN. He said that it's OK for them to spend some time with DN here and there but they really need some solo time/visits as DN spends 3-4 days a week at their house solo. They were receptive yet gave a lot of excuses and have since lied/snuck DN over during visits that were supposed to be with just our kids. They would say that they had nothing going on and ask for DCs to come over and we would go to pick them up an hour or two later and DN would mysteriously be there.
Anyway I have been very disappointed by the whole situation, but realize that they are not going to change. Sadly our kids really don't even want to go over there much anymore because "it's boring" and ILs just plop them in front of the TV or don't give them much attention while they're doting on DN. I guess the last straw was a couple weeks ago when they spent 5 hours over there. Again it was supposed to be their "special time" with the ILS (at their request) and surprise, surprise guess who was there when we picked them up? You guessed it, DN!! Not only that but of the 5 hours they were there they watched 1 1/2 feature length DVD movies and the worst was that they talked about playing Wii at IL's neighbor's house...unsupervised !! So in actuality my ILs probably only had about an hour time that they really spent with them and they were probably focused on DN the whole time! These neighbors moved in like 4 months ago and I don't think ILs have talked to them more than maybe twice. They don't even know them!!! Our DC are 6 and 4....I was LIVID!! DH called ILs immediately and asked them if they had really just left the kids alone to play at the neighbor's house and at first they lied and said the kids only played out in the yard and then they said that one of them was there with them (lie!) MIL called back later to say that they did in fact leave them over there and that "I guess times are different now and thank you for letting us know your guidelines for the kids" No apology, WTF!!! Times are different now, are you kidding me? When exactly would it have been OK to leave to young children at an almost stranger's house?
So my question is how would you handle all of this? I am sad that DCs are getting treated like this. They don't seem to really notice, but I refuse to let them be constantly treated second best and I don't think the time that they are getting is quality time anyway. DH agrees but feels torn on how to handle it and I think he realizes that they aren't going to change. Kicker....MIL called this morning and said that FIL's birthday wish is to have all the kids (ours and DN who is 2) spend the night at their house. Sounds nice, but at this point I think it's just a way to guilt and manipulate us to let DCs go over there with DN because they know we are sensitive about this right now. What would you do?

Sorry this was so long--
J.

[TwinFoxes]

Originally Posted by TwinFoxes

It's time to end her power to disappoint you. You've made your feelings known and they've ignored them. I think it's time to stop hoping they will change, and like pp suggests, you can have your own family unit do things together. I'm not saying cut ties, but stop setting yourself (and your DCs) up for disappointment.

This was my advice last time, and it's pretty much the same now. Just stop saying yes when they ask if your kids can come over. Have them go over occasionally, but you should go into it knowing DN will be there. Don't leave them over there long. And if you must, go with them.

[MMEand1]

I am so sorry that you have family such as this and are having to deal with it. It really stinks that your DC are starting to notice the difference in treatment that they receive as compared to dn. There is NO WAY that I would allow my DC back over there without being present. After 1)lying and saying the kids were playing out supervised and the 2)not thinking it was a big deal that they were at a strangers house for 1.5 hours, I simply would be unable to trust them with my children and know that they can be responsible for them.

If FIL wants the kids over for his birthday, I would let them bring over a card/gift and hang out for a little bit (with either you or DH there) and then leave. I simply could not trust them with my children and certainly would not allow them to guilt me into anything. My children mean more to me than the ILl's making me feel guilty for their shortcomings.

[geochick]

Don't send the kids over there. Why don't you invite them to your house to bond with the kids while you're home? Why don't you invite the ils to the zoo with your family? Don't use them as baby sitters. If you think they do a bad job with baby sitting, find new baby sitters. Invite them over for dinner. Have some art projects ready to go. Have the ils help your kids with them. This solves the dn problem. This solves the bonding problem.

You're stuck in a rut. Time to change it up a bit. If something's not working - change.

Ignore the time they spend with dn...that's none of your business, and the ils choice. Create time at your home.

[Indianamom2]

I don't have any really good advice, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this lack of consideration. It sounds like you and your husband have made a real effort to include your IL's in your kids' lives, but maybe it's just time to set your expectations a lot lower. If nothing else, it might help your kids not hurt as much. It's just sad that grandparents would show such obvious favortism.

[boogiemomz]

wow. infuriating. i agree w/ PPs... you have to put your foot down. they will continue their behavior if you let them, because clearly they don't respond to your speaking with them about it and don't respect your wishes as a parent. i hope you and your DH can get on the same page and really be strong in preventing your ILs from treating your DCs this way. sorry this is still going on to such a degree.

[HIU8]

I totally agree. Invite them to your house instead.

[mommy111]

Originally Posted by geochick

Don't send the kids over there. Why don't you invite them to your house to bond with the kids while you're home? Why don't you invite the ils to the zoo with your family? Don't use them as baby sitters. If you think they do a bad job with baby sitting, find new baby sitters. Invite them over for dinner. Have some art projects ready to go. Have the ils help your kids with them. This solves the dn problem. This solves the bonding problem.

You're stuck in a rut. Time to change it up a bit. If something's not working - change.

Ignore the time they spend with dn...that's none of your business, and the ils choice. Create time at your home.

That's great advice. I would host your inlaws on FIL's birthday, just you guys going out for dinner or at home.