Yet another Bday Party Thread --> Siblings (and Peanut Butter) UPDATE post 40

[Fairy]

Update in Post 40
http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin...9&postcount=40

This is about siblings. I need to preface this with the following facts:

* 44 invitations have gone out
* We're holding it in the back room of a popular sandwich chain with a magic show.
* Goody bags are tshirts that must be ordered before I have a final count, so I'm winging it with a "best guess"
* It's pseudo-drop off, as the kids will be in the backroom, the parents in the main dining area with "open fountain" and snacks I provide; they will buy their own sandwiches if they want.

44 5yo's people. It's going to be a challenge in the space, but it can be done. Now. I have said, "we are sorry, but we cannot accommodate siblings of any age. And I mean that. I have 44 kids we're talking about here, I think that's the upper tiered end of more than generous, and that's a severely whittled list. It's not that we're popular, it's that he has 2 kindergarten classes (K, and afternoon enrichment), we're the first bday party of the year, and we have 10 kids that are close family/friends that we do not want to whittle. I'm hoping to God that we get at least ten solid no's, 15 no's is ideal, but we're prepared for 44. Here are my questions:

* My nephew has a sister who is 11. Do I not include her? She'll be at the family party (unless it's her dad's weekend to have her, I dunno yet), but how do I say no to an actual family member?

* One of the K kids we don't know is a twin. Her twin is in the other K class (none of whom are invited, just DS's class of 21 kids). They've never been separated. Do I make an exception? How will the other K parents feel who have to make arrangements not to bring their other kids feel when they see I made an exception for the twins? Am I being a bitch saying no to this little girl? I am having serious stress aobut this. I wanna do the right thing. If I get no "no's" then I'm at 45 kids. 46 with my potential neice. Help.

* Extra question about peanut butter. I am a staunch NO PEANUT PRODUCTS PERIOD when there's an FA kid in the room. And there will be. However, one of our long time friends will be there, and she keeps strict kosher. Her only option is peanut butter or "pizza bread" sandwich. Her mom is gonna insist on PBJ. I have already said no to PBJ cuz of the FA kid, who has a very serious allergy to the PB. I will not back down from this, but I could use some ideas on how to handle the kosher mom.

This was long, I'm sorry. TIA for any advice.

-- Fairy

[almostamom]

44 kids is going to be a lot of work, but you already know that. It will also be fun, but I hope you have dependable help. We invited 35 to DS' 4th birthday party. 33 showed up. I was sure we'd be down to at least 25 or 30, but nope!

Here's my take on the rest:

Family is the exception to the no sibs rule. Family is family.

The twins are harder. I really don't know what the best option is on this one and I'd probably invite the other twin. Your child "could" be friends with both of the twins and that won't make it seem so obvious that a sibling was invited/permitted.

Peanut butter - as a mom of a child with a peanut allergy - thank you!! Is it possible her child could have sunflower seed butter (Sunbutter) and jelly instead. (I have no idea if Sunbutter is kosher or not). Are those the only options that her child can have that the party place offers? Can you/she bring in a different option for this child (it sounds like he/she would be eating something different than the rest of the crowd anyway)? I have been lucky and every single person I have told about DS' allergy has been very willing to accommodate his allergies once they know about them and how serious they are. I just came back from a potluck/bbq where the invitation specifically stated DS' allergies and asked that no one bring any food that contained those ingredients. I didn't even know the host was going to do that. She did it on her own.

Good luck and have a great party! The party we had with 33 munchkins in my house was my son's (and my) absolute favorite party. It was a little chaotic but a whole lot of FUN!

Linda

[Melaine]

Wow that sounds like fun (and kind of crazy, I wish I was as brave as you!)!

I vote yes to the niece assuming she actually has a relationship to DS, yes?

I say no to the twin. I think it is very sweet that you are thinking of the twin dynamic and the difficulty of splitting them up, which believe me, is a force to be reckoned with. But I think that the parents can make the decision if this is the time they want the kids to start to do the whole "separate" thing. And since they put them in separate classes they are probably already prepared for that. And if not, they may decide not to come just to make it easier on themselves (I would in their shoes, but mine are younger). If they do decide not to come then, well, that helps your numbers a bit!
About the FA thing, I have no idea but kosher is not the same as FAs, so hold your ground.

[Clarity]

Originally Posted by almostamom

Family is the exception to the no sibs rule. Family is family.

Originally Posted by almostamom

The twins are harder. I really don't know what the best option is on this one and I'd probably invite the other twin. Your child "could" be friends with both of the twins and that won't make it seem so obvious that a sibling was invited/permitted.

I wouldn't invite the other twin, in this situation. You invited your son's friend, and you have a no siblings rule. The twins are going to eventually start doing things seperately and who knows, they may thank you for it!



As for the kosher child issue, I'm not sure why the mother would insist on PBJ if she knows you have a no PBJ rule and there is another option, ie pizza bread? If it is a question, let her know there is a child with life threatening peanut allergies at the party and that you cannot compromise his safety. You are responsible for him while he's at your party, period. I think suggesting sunbutter is a great option too. I bet she'll be fine.

I want to move to Chi-town so I can come to your parties, Hil. Sounds like you sure know how to throw one!

[TwinFoxes]

Originally Posted by Melaine

Wow that sounds like fun (and kind of crazy, I wish I was as brave as you!)!

I vote yes to the niece assuming she actually has a relationship to DS, yes?

I say no to the twin. I think it is very sweet that you are thinking of the twin dynamic and the difficulty of splitting them up, which believe me, is a force to be reckoned with. But I think that the parents can make the decision if this is the time they want the kids to start to do the whole "separate" thing. And since they put them in separate classes they are probably already prepared for that. And if not, they may decide not to come just to make it easier on themselves (I would in their shoes, but mine are younger). If they do decide not to come then, well, that helps your numbers a bit!
About the FA thing, I have no idea but kosher is not the same as FAs, so hold your ground.

To the whole post. I'd be surprised if Kosher mom hasn't been in this situation before. Plus there is another option. Is pizza bread not good? Maybe I'm thinking it is something it's not?

[MamaMolly]

DD1's probably going to have the first birthday party in her (very first!!) preschool class. I'm a WRECK. So my is going out to you!

ITA with the PPs that family is family. Totally not in the same category. Invite your niece. And at 44 kids who is going to notice in the first place????

I would not invite the twin. As others have pointed out, they are in different classes, and are probably starting to do things independently of each other.

As for the FA thing, I thank you and agree, you need to hold your ground. Not to be ugly in the least, but to offer this perspective: as the parent of a FA child we often have to BYOC (bring your own cake/cupcake) and party food to birthday parties. I'm sure that if the family is strictly kosher they probably have done something similar in the past (brought food when they weren't sure what was being served).

[JustMe]

Wow, yes, you are very generous!

As far as the "niece issue", I say if your nephew is invited, she's invited b/c family is family. Otherwise, dont invite nephew either as they are both coming to the family party..and give them goody bags, etc, there.

I could go either way on the twin issue, and think you should really do what makes you most comfortable. Saying no to the other twin is fine, and the mom can choose to feel it doesnt make sense to have the invited twin attend if its a big problem. However, if you feel better inviting the twin that's fine too as, yes, for all everyone knows your ds is friends with her, etc,...and it is different as she is the same age as the birthday boy and his friends.

I would not allow peanut butter, as there is a child with an allergy. I think I would just let the mom who is kosher know that, and see if there is any alternative that can work for her dc. I'm confused about what pizza bread is and if its an acceptable option or not.

[Fairy]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I was a real wreck about the numbers on this. We're having this in the back room of this sandwich chain. They're nationwide, you've all been to one. I don't want to say which. But this one specifically has a back room taht they drag a wall between when there is no party. We're gonna be TIGHT with 44 kids, adults will be standing, and the magician. And his live bunny he will pull out of his hat, which we will not mention to the restaurant but will ask for forgiveness later on. DS is in TWO kindy classes, and as the first party of the year in a brand new school where he knows no one, I felt I had a responsibility to invite everyone and err on that side, rather than the "who do you want to invite," therefore leaving someone out. And then DS will, invariably get left out later. And I dunno how he'll react. Cuz he doesn't REALLY know anyone. And I don't know any of these P's. So, all of Kindy is invited. For the afternoon enrichment class, I am still not sure this is the right thing, but there are 22 kids in that class, and I decided to only invite the 10 he already knows, not the 12 he does not. He will eventually not see any of them after the next year or two, tops. The K kids he will see for the next 12 years.

As for FA vs. Kosher. For me it is no contest, period. And that's that. It's not that I don't respect the kosher, I'm Jewish, myself! It's that the girl will not die if she eats a turkey sandwich, but the FA girl could die if she gets peanut butter in her body. Now, I've known kosher mom for five years. DS and her DD have been in daycare and pre-k together all that time. We're close friends. I know she always gets DD PBJ, and she is going to say, "just don't put them at the same table," or "there will be someone eating PBJ in the restaurant that isn't at the party, so what's the big deal?" To both of these I say no. The pizza bread is just basically a toasted cheese with a red sauce, I am pretty sure. She's gonna think I'm overkill. You should see her roll her eyes when I talk about humanely raised beef. I can't ask the restaurant to use sunbutter, but I can tell her that she can bring in anything she wants that doesn't have nuts. And I think she will. I just know based on her current radio silence after I've asked what sandwich she'd like me to give to DD other than PBJ that she's annoyed with me. So, trying to figure out what else I can say to her.

You've all convinced me to invite my neice (I feel stupid for even questioning it ... I think I'm overworked on this and can't think straight). However, jury's still out on the twin, the situation for which is really upsetting me.

[Clarity]

Hil, what about the twin thing is upsetting you? If its that they've never been seperated and you really hate to be the first, then invite the other twin. If it's that you're afraid that your son won't be invited to their birthday party because you didn't invite both, then invite them both.
On the other hand, if it's that you don't want to invite them and are feeling bad about that, don't. (Easier said then done, I know.) As pp said, if it's not ok that the twins do things independant of another then they won't be there. That's ok. You can always do something like setting up a playdate with the two of them and your son some time independent of the birthday party.

ETA: I hope this doesn't sound flippant, that wasn't my intention at all. I hope that it encourages you just to go with your gut, that's all.

[bubbaray]

I would actually "hire" your niece. Pay her to HELP you. I bet she'll think that idea rocks -- what 11 yo d/n want money at the start of school for more cool clothes? Plus, there's quite an age gap -- IMO, the older kids would rather help than be part of the party. I would still give her cake and stuff and definitely a loot/goody bag (but something special for her -- I did nice diaries for a friend's two older girls who came to DD#2's 1st b-day).

As for the FAs. Well, first off, you rock, but you know I think that. I guess if you are the host and you get to set the game rules, what about saying to your friend that if she insists on sending her child with PBJ when you have said no (and given logical reasons), the child with the PBJ will have to eat it elsewhere (outside the party room, away from the magician, etc) and wash their hands before returning.

I'm pretty relaxed about the FAs stuff and for older kids (5 and so), I'd be OK with the child eating elsewhere and washing their hands before rejoining the group. For younger children (ie, toddlers and preschoolers) who put more things in their mouth and are messier eaters, I'm more anal.

FTR, I too want to move and be your neighbor. Your parties sound awesome!

GOOD LUCK!

ETA: I wouldn't invite the twin. JMHO