Low self esteem in a child... am I overreacting?

[jerseygirl07067]

I am having issues with DD #1, who will turn 7 in december. She has always been very independent and self motivated to learn things on her own. She doesn't like to let me help her do things, even if she clearly needs help. Socially, she is very shy at first, but eventually she is able to warm up and make friends.

Lately she has been telling me how "embarassed" she is by things I do around her friends, or she is afraid to wear something or do something because she will feel "embarassed". She doesn't even like to wave to me when I drop her off or pick her up at school, and she is showing an increased concern over what she is wearing, or the appearance of her hair, and said she wants to blend in and look like everyone else in her class. I get that, though I don't remember really going through this type of thing until I was in 7th grade or so, though each child is different. I mean she is in first grade, this seems so early to go through this.

But I've also noticed other things...she has a bunch of kids on her invite list that she doesn't even play with much, but told me she wants to invite because she is afraid if she doesn't they won't be her friend. Today, we were at a birthday party with a bunch of 7 year olds (many of which she knew) and she sat in the corner, not wanting to particpate much, and when the gift opening was happening, she literally went to hide because she didn't want any of the attention to be put on her when her gift was opened.

I recently had a talk with her, trying not to make it out like I was making too much of it, and when I asked her she said that she's not smart, not pretty, people don't like her (which I know is untrue as she has lots of friends) and when I ask her to name things she likes about herself, she says nothing. I know that may be abstract for this age group, but is this normal?

I don't know what to make of this. I feel like I have a 13 year old in the house. I wonder how much of this is my own fault, since I tend to have pretty high expectations of my kids, and while I know praise should outnumber the negative comments by a lot, maybe I have harped too much on the negative to cause this to happen. I feel like blaming myself for all of this.

Any experiences with this?

[mytwosons]

It certainly seems to me our kids have to deal with these issues earlier than we did. My oldest DS started w/the "don't embarass me" routine this year.

FWIW, I've heard a couple of comments from him about not having friends (not true) etc., but it seemed to me he was looking to see what my reaction would be.

That said, he's not a girl and isn't dealing with all the social pressures and meanness that so many girls deal with on a daily basis. I think it's good you are listening to your daughter.

[egoldber]

The first thing I would do is talk to her teacher and perhaps the school counselor to ask if they are observing similar behaviors.

I think 7 is pretty young for that type of "teen" behavior. I would personally consider if someone at school is giving her a hard time.

she has a bunch of kids on her invite list that she doesn't even play with much, but told me she wants to invite because she is afraid if she doesn't they won't be her friend

This is the red flag statement to me. I would wonder if there is a kid or group of kids that is exerting social pressure on her. I do not think that this is normal. I think she has been told this by someone.

I recently had a talk with her, trying not to make it out like I was making too much of it, and when I asked her she said that she's not smart, not pretty, people don't like her (which I know is untrue as she has lots of friends) and when I ask her to name things she likes about herself, she says nothing. I know that may be abstract for this age group, but is this normal?

if it were me, based on the social anxiety and expressed low self esteem, I would take her to see someone, at least for an assessment. Even if it is not "clinical", she is obviously struggling with something, and I think it doesn't hurt to get an outside professional opinion and ask for some tools. Anxiety tends to be a self-reinforcing behavior, and many of our natural, maternal instincts to comfort only re-inforce the anxiety as well.

[pinkmomagain]

As the mom of girls (one of whom is in the midst of teenage-ness), this behavior sounds about 6-7 years too early.

I like the idea of speaking with the teacher and getting her perspective on what's going on in the classroom. Does your daughter have playdates come over? How does that go? How is she doing in extracirriculars? I'm wondering if this year in her class there might be one of these queen bee personalities causing a weird social dynamic for the girls in the class?

[malphy]

bullying jumps to mind when I read this. I agree there may be a queen bee involved, stirring the pot and creating this situation. I would definitely speak to the teacher about it.

I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this. And I do not think you are to blame. hugs

[Reina]

My close friend's daughter J went through the EXACT same situation last year. It's as if she is typing the story up.
The culprit turned out to be an 8 year old bully in the classroom.

Intervene and definitely talk to the teacher. I would highly recommend athletic involvement. Get your DD involved in sports! There is nothing like athletic achievement to give a boost of confidence to a young person. I'm not talking about the gym class. Organized sports are fantastic for both self esteem and also a sense of camaraderie.

CrossFit Kids is a great place to start for your daughter or maybe a local martial arts school. These are places where bullying is not allowed, value of team membership is emphasized and achievement no matter how small is praised.

Good luck! Please do keep us posted about the developments!

[jerseygirl07067]

Thanks. I honestly never thought of bullying as a cause. I've actually spoken to my DD in the past about this and recently, and she didn't mention to me that this was an issue. I can usually tell when she's hiding something, but it's worth looking into further by talking with the teacher.

She does like school and seems to be very happy when I pick her up, but I'm going to continue to keep my eyes open. I still am considering taking her to a professional too.

I did want to clarify one thing regadring the kids on her birthday list that she wants to invite....there are only 2 or 3 on there that she wants to invite for the reason I mentioned. And those 2 or 3 to my knowledge aren't even friends with each other, but again, I am going to check this out further.

[Katigre]

I agree with what the other posters have mentioned. Does she deal with anxiety at all?

I would also reassess the media she is watching - what shows does she watch and what messages do they send? Is there perhaps a character who is expressing these things and she's identifying with and internalizing them? I think that this can be an important factor to evaluate and talk through with her too.

[jerseygirl07067]

You know, she doesn't watch much tv, so I'm not sure if that's a factor. She's watched a bit of Disney channel, but I don't let her watch the big kid shows like Hannah Montana, etc.

I have a question....Wouldn't she be scared to go to school if someone where bullying her? It does not seem to me that she is scared of anything. It is more that she is more about pleasing the people she wants to be friends with. It is also about her not thinking she is pretty or fun to be around.

I can totally see the social anxiety in her though, especially when we go to parties where there are new kids, are larger groups of people.

[Katigre]

Does she understand what bullying is? I know I always thought bullying was when kids pushed you and kicked you (think of a circle of boys beating someone weaker/smaller up in the middle). But with girls it can be so much more subtle...I look back now and see all the power plays and milder bullying that went on in my class in elementary school and totally confused me - but I still played with those girls, it didn't make me afraid to go to school, it just had a negative impact socially.