Has anyone read, "Odd Girl Out?"

[maestramommy]

I've halfway through, and I'm not sure I can finish it. OMG, it's one horror story after another. Has girl aggression been this universally bad that a book could be written on it? And by a relative layperson, no less.

I could understand short term bullying and exclusion, but stories that go on for months, even years are truly appalling. And it's not just the bullying and exclusion. Some of the relationships described in the book are just plain abusive. There is really no other word for it. And between supposed best friends?

I want to finish this book on principle, but it's giving me the biggest headache!

[WolfpackMom]

That book was cathartic and healing for me. I read it when I was around 20 and it actually helped me put some of the issues I had with how I was treated by others in my past to rest.

[egoldber]

I've read it and I think it's excellent. Yes, it's horrifying, but denying that the problem exists does not help our kids.

One thing the book really helped me to understand was why telling kids things like "stand up for yourself, and just walk away" are often simply not doable for many kids in these situations. And unless we (the bullied child's parent), the bully's parents and the school all step in, nothing is likely to change.

Girl bullying was a big reason we changed schools this year and the difference for my DD is incredible. Just incredible. And now as she gets more comfortable she shares more and more how horrifying the other school was for her . In some cases there is really no alternative than to change schools to get away from a specific situation. I was afraid that I was "running away" from the problem, but now I see that a fresh start was what she needed to break that cycle. When the school can't or won't step in, then your choices as a parent to protect your child are pretty limited.

Another thing I thought was really interesting was seeing how the bully behavior changes (or doesn't change) over time. I now recognize a lot of bullies at work and in life in general, which makes it a lot easier for me to just walk away from some people/situations once I realize what is going on.

[maestramommy]

So, since pp have finished it, are there any solutions or strategies later in the book?

[ha98ed14]

I haven't read the book, but am familiar with it from friends' reads. I am not sure if my experience is unique, but I will offer up this:

I went to an all-girls school from 6th-8th (day school) and 9th-12 grade (boarding). I was never part of the in-crowd, and middle school is awkward for everyone, but I was never bullied. When I went to high school, the change was good for me. I was able to shed the awkwardness and really found friends. Again, I was not popular, but I was who I was and more people liked me than didn't. I think going to a single sex school might stave off the outright girl bullying because there are no boys around. I think that a lot of it is driven by a sexyness/ physically attractiveness/ response by boys. But I could be wrong too. Either way, I am SO grateful for my single sex education.

[egoldber]

It's been a couple years since I read it. But my big beef with a lot of these books is they are long on stories and short on solutions. The problem is that not much works. These behaviors are REALLY hard to stop and it is really difficult to "catch" the kids in the act. I read this and The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander at the same time, so they are a little mixed up in my head.

They do talk about ways to "bully proof" your kids and to help whrn they are being bullied. Some of the main ideas are....

1. Believe them when they say they are being bullied/excluded. Many parents don't or try to excuse away the behavior.

2. Give them an out to difficult situations. A lot of bullying happens in situations with low adult supervision (recess, school bus, before/after care, clubs, etc.) Try to find an alternative for your child to avoid the bullying situation.

3. Cultivate interests and activities to build self esteem away from the bully. Girl scouts, swim team, dance, soccer, etc. It's even better if the new friends and activities draw kids who are not at their current school so they can build social networks beyond school.

4. Kind of a corollary to the above, develop friendships outside the school.

5. Find alrternatives if possible. Change up classrooms. Let the principal know when making classroom assignments that there are bully issues at play and ask to avoid those situations.

6. Don't encourage your child to be popular or part of the in crowd. It's better for them to be friends with several kids, but not "the" msot popular kid because there is a lot of social competition around that.

Those are some of the things I remember. Not all of them are feasible, but doing as many of these things as possible can help to mitigate the effects.

[maestramommy]

Okay, I kept reading and finally got to the chapter on strategies. Actually I'm finding the formula helpful: Wrong response to something, better response, additional response.

But I think overall Beth's ideas were better Thank you!