WWYD: Difficult situation w/ ILs- long, sorry!

[pinay]

FIL & SMIL live about 7 hrs from us and we see them on average 2x per year. They call once a month and send DD packages on a semi-regular basis. They obviously want a relationship w/ DD, but it's becoming quite clear that they don't really care to have a relationship w/ DH and I. They're in town now for DD's birthday, and have spent less than 2 hours w/ DH and I since they arrived on Wed night. We have been planning to have them over to our home for dinner tonight ever since we started talking about this trip and this morning they called to attempt to back out of it- I basically had to force them to stick to the plan, which they eventually agreed to do. But knowing them, they will make their excuses as soon as humanly possible so they can be out of our presence.

I'm torn- I want DD to have a relationship w/ her grandparents, she truly adores them. However, I HATE how they make DH and I feel- like they just tolerate us b/c they know we're the gateway to their granddaughter. It's all very fake and it's taking a toll on DH. When I told him about their phone call this morning, he was angry but not surprised at all. They have a lot of bad history between them and I just want to support DH in the best way possible, but I'm not exactly sure what that is.

Anyway, I know that many of you have BTDT experience when it comes to icky IL relationships, so thought I would turn to the collective wisdom of the board for some advice. If you got this far, thanks for reading!

[kara97210]

Quick question - how old is your DD? I'm just wondering because this might effect how much interaction I would give ILs to her.

[hillview]

How do they interact with DD?
/hillary

[pinay]

DD will be 4 on Sunday, and is very aware of her grandparents. As I wrote earlier, she only sees them 2-3 times a year, but she does talk to them on the phone 1-2 times a month and we always include them in her nighttime prayers. When they are in town (or we go to see them) she usually gets to spend at least 1 day with them on her own while DH and I get some alone time.

Honestly, they are very good to her and good with her, so I don't want to see that relationship just end. But at the same time, I find it very frustrating that they can hardly be troubled to spend time with the rest of us (DH and I, BIL & SIL). As expected, they came over for dinner this evening and SMIL was practically pushing people out the door before 8 PM. FIL is kind of oblivious to it all, but SMIL wears the pants in that relationship so whatever she says goes.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm torn. If you think GPs may be saying negative things about you, than limiting the relationship might be a good idea. And I can see why their behavior hurts your feelings. But not everybody has to like everybody, you know? Maybe you guys just aren't SMIL's cup of tea. I personally wouldn't want to spend more time around her. If they are pleasant and respectful, but just don't want to hang out with you, I say just live with it. I think kids benefit from having lots of people who love them in their lives. Don't take them away from DD just because they hurt your feelings.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Would they be more comfortable on a family outing that is dd centered? Like you can all go to the zoo. I would focus on the grandparent/ grandchild relationship even if it is disappointing that you aren't as close with them.

Beth

[wellyes]

Originally Posted by TwinFoxes

I'm torn. If you think GPs may be saying negative things about you, than limiting the relationship might be a good idea. And I can see why their behavior hurts your feelings. But not everybody has to like everybody, you know? Maybe you guys just aren't SMIL's cup of tea. I personally wouldn't want to spend more time around her. If they are pleasant and respectful, but just don't want to hang out with you, I say just live with it. I think kids benefit from having lots of people who love them in their lives. Don't take them away from DD just because they hurt your feelings.

Perfectly put. It kinda sounds like they don't like you much and you don't like them much, so why be so eager to spend more time with them? Let your kids have a relationship with them and be happy with that, is what I'd do.

[pinay]

Yeah, you guys are probably right. I think I just have rose-colored glasses when it comes to the way families "should" interact with each other. I know DH would like a better relationship w/ his dad, but there's no getting around SMIL. I suppose I should just be glad that they want to have a relationship w/ DD- however, there's a part of me that worries that they'll drop out of her life too, since they did it to DH and BIL so many years ago.

[scrooks]

Originally Posted by wellyes

Perfectly put. It kinda sounds like they don't like you much and you don't like them much, so why be so eager to spend more time with them? Let your kids have a relationship with them and be happy with that, is what I'd do.

I agree with this. I say let your DD have a relationship with them realizing there probably won't be a close relationship between you/DH and them. As long as they aren't speaking badly to your DD about you or DH I wouldn't interfere.

[BabyMine]

Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet. Remember that DD will get older and may drop them first or maybe they don't drop each other. As long as SMIL doesn't say bad things to DD about you and DH and you are comfortable having SMIL and FIL take DD out then let them. Use is as some alone time with your DH.