Am I Out of Line? - Need Perspective

[carolinamama]

Background: With the births of DS1 and DS2, my MIL immediately drove up to the hospital when she found out I was going in. I was in labor for 24 hrs with DS1 and she was at the hospital for all of that minus the first few hours(after her 3 hr drive to our area). With DS2, it was a planned induction and I specifically told her that we would call her when the baby was born since I didn't know how things were going to go (big baby post date) and DH backed me up, expressing the same instructions. Everything was going according to plan and she showed up right as I was getting ready to push, trying to come into my room. Thank goodness for awesome nurses/gatekeepers.

She clamors to see the babies and hold them. It is annoying as a bfing mom with a newborn. I want to hold my babies and nurse them. FF to this pregnancy. I am being induced Tuesday and have known for a few weeks now. We haven't told MIL, although I did say it would probably be next week because I couldn't outright lie to her when she asked. DH wants to tell her because my parents know since they are keeping our boys. BUT my parents won't sit at the hospital making me feel like a watched pot or bug me until we call them. If I ask them to wait a few hours after the birth, they will. And they live 5 minutes from the hospital so it would be easy for them to pop in, but they will do whatever I ask.

What would you do? DH and I are getting to the point of fighting over this issue. But I know from experience that if we tell her, she will show up and try to take away my baby during the precious first few hours. She is somewhat passive-aggressive and, while she comes across as oh-so-sweet at first, when you get to know her, you realize that she has an ulterior motive for much of her behavior. I don't think she likes that I bf since it has always meant that my babies stay close to me and she can't feed them. But, whatever....

Thank you if you've gotten this far. I just need some perspective on what others would do.

[wellyes]

Let her come to the hospital but make a "no one but DH during labor" rule. What's the harm if she's not permitted in the room? When the baby is born, take an hour or so on your own with the baby - let your DH tell her, of course, but not into the room until you're cleaned up and comfortable and have nursed. Then: I'd let her have 20 minutes holding her grandchild. It will be very important to her. After that, have your DH tell her you're all tired and ask her to come back the next day.

Give her a little. It's a big day for her. It could be hurtful if she founds out she was excluded deliberately, especially since she'll be the ONLY one excluded.

FWIW I told my parents and in-laws to wait until we called to come to the hospital with baby #1 and they all showed up immediately anyway. I don't think it's that strange.

[Cuckoomamma]

It might be worth hiring a doula or someone who could act as a doula. You may not need/want someone to talk you through the birth, but part of the role of a doula is the gatekeeper and advocating on your and the baby's behalf.

Your dh probably feels guilted into not standing up to her at the hospital, as do you. You just need a third party to be the bad guy in a polite way. She's welcome, there are just boundaries that need to be respected.

Doulas in training need to do a few births without pay. You could call their organization to try to find someone for free.

[ha98ed14]

I would not tell her, and I would raise holy h3ll until DH saw it my way or at least relented to do it my way. I would choose to fight this battle.

It's your 3rd baby. You get it however you want it. If you want it with whip cream and cherries, so be it.

That's what I would do.

[waitingforgrace]

I would tell her but be sure she knows that even if she shows up at the hospital she will not be with you during labor and delivery. After the baby is born take whatever time you want to yourselves. The nurses are great gatekeepers and even if you allow MIL to come in and hold the baby for a few minutes you can give a nurse a heads up that you want MIL gone and they'll make up some reason why she has to leave.

As long as your DH is on board with setting boundaries I think it's unfair to expect him to lie to his mother and not share his joy and excitement with her.

[bubbaray]

I would not want her at the hospital and ITA with hiring a doula to help you with this (though it may be hard to find one with only a week's notice).

[Pear]

I would probably tell her. Then I would tell her that you are instituting a no visitors until the next morning rule. Let her know that she can come to the hospital the next day, but you want the night to recuperate and cuddle your newborn.

[DietCokeLover]

Originally Posted by wellyes

Let her come to the hospital but make a "no one but DH during labor" rule. What's the harm if she's not permitted in the room? When the baby is born, take an hour or so on your own with the baby - let your DH tell her, of course, but not into the room until you're cleaned up and comfortable and have nursed. Then: I'd let her have 20 minutes holding her grandchild. It will be very important to her. After that, have your DH tell her you're all tired and ask her to come back the next day.

Give her a little. It's a big day for her. It could be hurtful if she founds out she was excluded deliberately, especially since she'll be the ONLY one excluded.

FWIW I told my parents and in-laws to wait until we called to come to the hospital with baby #1 and they all showed up immediately anyway. I don't think it's that strange.

This is what I would do as well. Your request is not unreasonable at all!

The nurses at my hospital were great both times at limiting visitors for me if I needed time or a break.

[HonoluluMom]

I wouldn't tell her. She's already demonstrated that she won't follow your wishes. Giving birth and the hours after giving birth really are special and these moments are for YOU, YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR NEW BABY. You shouldn't have anything mar these moments, not even a few minutes of a passive-aggressive Grandma that you don't want there.

If you tell her and she goes to the hospital, there's a chance that there won't be a "gatekeeper" to keep her out. Nurses/medical personnel are always so busy. And, will your DH really be able to keep his own mother out?

I'd stand firm on this.

[TwinFoxes]

Originally Posted by HonoluluMom

I wouldn't tell her. She's already demonstrated that she won't follow your wishes. Giving birth and the hours after giving birth really are special and these moments are for YOU, YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR NEW BABY. You shouldn't have anything mar these moments, not even a few minutes of a passive-aggressive Grandma that you don't want there.

If you tell her and she goes to the hospital, there's a chance that there won't be a "gatekeeper" to keep her out. Nurses/medical personnel are always so busy. And, will your DH really be able to keep his own mother out?

I'd stand firm on this.

in this case I think a "two strike" rule applies. Who's to say the gatekeeper will be effective? Passive aggressive grandmas can be awfully persuasive.