Am I Out of Line? - Need Perspective

[speo]

No, I don't think you are out of line. Like the others said, you gave her 2 chances. I wouldn't tell her until after the baby is born. For me, in this situation where you don't want her around the baby right away I would feel stressed knowing she was waiting. I would probably let her in sooner than I was really ready. You will have at least 3 hours after you call when the baby is born, while she is driving.

[BabyMine]

I had to do something similar with my pushy MIL. M was in the PICU and I was going to stay overnight. MIL TOLD me she was and to go home. I politely but sternly told her that while I mean no disrespect ( I actually did) this was our child and our decision and is not up for debate.

[daisymommy]

Originally Posted by HonoluluMom

I wouldn't tell her. She's already demonstrated that she won't follow your wishes. Giving birth and the hours after giving birth really are special and these moments are for YOU, YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR NEW BABY. You shouldn't have anything mar these moments, not even a few minutes of a passive-aggressive Grandma that you don't want there.

If you tell her and she goes to the hospital, there's a chance that there won't be a "gatekeeper" to keep her out. Nurses/medical personnel are always so busy. And, will your DH really be able to keep his own mother out?

I'd stand firm on this.

I would call her after you have the baby, and just tell her everything was so intense, so much was going on, you are just now getting a chance to call her. And it's possible it will truly be the case being your 3rd!

[hopeful_mama]

As a small compromise with DH, I would try to make a point that she could be the first one called with the news that the baby was born. [We did actually do this as well, his parents are in Europe so they would be the last to see the baby, I figured it would be good if at least they were the first to know.]

I would suggest that when he's the one who's pushing out the baby, he gets to be the one who decides who's there!

[plusbellelavie]

Originally Posted by hopeful_mama

I would suggest that when he's the one who's pushing out the baby, he gets to be the one who decides who's there!

So true!!

I hope you can find a comprise for yourself and DH that works...it sounds like you want everyone to enjoy the new baby but that you want "alone" time too which I think it is fair! Best of luck!

[MommyAllison]

We made a "no visitors in the hospital" rule when DS was born after having visitor overload when DD was born (my MIL waited all night at the hospital too - and joined us as I was taken to my postpartum room at 5am). We loved it, and will do the same if we have another hospital birth. A few family/friends have implemented it and also been much happier.

[amldaley]

I am going to borrow snippets from PP's and combine them together.

I totally understand how you feel and wish I could easily say, "don't tell her" but I do think when she finds out she is the only one who didn't know, she will be so hurt that it may well cause even bigger issues.

I would wait to tell her until the day before or the day of, but do tell her before you go in.

I would make it very clear that there are to be no visitors, at all, until after a certain time. Be clear with her AND with the hospital staff.

"Absolutely no visitors until we call and invite them. We will call everyone once the baby is born and we would like to spend the first few hours with the baby just the three of us. We will let you know what time to come and we will let the hospital know when we will be allowing visitors."

And then, to be fair, the same rule applies to your folks, too. And be sure to call her with enough time for her to make the three hour drive. Or heck, if she is friendly enough with your folks, can she hang out with them for awhile?

Sometimes with those passive-aggressive types, you have to spell it out so they can't say they didn't know. Leave no loopholes. Leave no room for misinterpretation. But do not exclude her.

[blondflava]

I can't imagine anyone but DH during L&D, let alone my own mother or mother-in-law.. The kicker is, mother-in-law would respect it but my mom would be the pushy one.
I'd just wait when the baby is out and call your mother-in-law. What's the point of her being at the hospital when they're being born? She'll have the whole eternity to spoil their grandkids later on! Birth and those precious first hours with the newborn baby are for parents, not the rest of the world.

[carolinamama]

Originally Posted by amldaley

I am going to borrow snippets from PP's and combine them together.

I totally understand how you feel and wish I could easily say, "don't tell her" but I do think when she finds out she is the only one who didn't know, she will be so hurt that it may well cause even bigger issues.

I would wait to tell her until the day before or the day of, but do tell her before you go in.

I would make it very clear that there are to be no visitors, at all, until after a certain time. Be clear with her AND with the hospital staff.

"Absolutely no visitors until we call and invite them. We will call everyone once the baby is born and we would like to spend the first few hours with the baby just the three of us. We will let you know what time to come and we will let the hospital know when we will be allowing visitors."

And then, to be fair, the same rule applies to your folks, too. And be sure to call her with enough time for her to make the three hour drive. Or heck, if she is friendly enough with your folks, can she hang out with them for awhile?

Sometimes with those passive-aggressive types, you have to spell it out so they can't say they didn't know. Leave no loopholes. Leave no room for misinterpretation. But do not exclude her.

I think this *may* be the best approach to maintain good relationships and not hurt feelings. But I am afraid she will still show up. My parents already know the rules and have stated over and over that they will follow them (and did with my last birth). They feel like I do - it is a special time for me, DH, and the new baby. They have even offered to just come the next day even though they seriously live 5 minutes from the hospital. And they are super involved with their grandkids and I know they would be chomping at the bit to see the baby, but wouldn't go against my wishes for their own satisfaction.

I really want to thank everyone for their opinions. Now I realize that I am not crazy to want a few hours and I will try to work with DH on a solution that will work best for everyone.

[carolinamama]

Originally Posted by Claki

ITA with the two strikes posts above. She had her chance and proved she wasn't going to respect your wishes on this issue. This hits close to home b/c not only did my MIL ignore our wishes to wait to come to the hospital when she was called, she was already inside Labor and Delivery when we arrived at 5 a.m. for our induction. It put me in a horrible mindset to start the whole thing off. She thought she was being cute or funny.

I am so sorry that happened to you. I can completely understand how frustrating it must have been.