Mom, please mind your own &*^#ing business

[Kaylee31]

I usually had a good relationship with my parents and am fairly close to them. They adore DS (only grandchild) and I take him to their house at least once a week. My mother has a bad habit of sometimes treating me like I'm still a child at times and can be criticizing. She also is the type who loves to drill you with a million questions. DH really doesn't like to spend much time with her. Gee, I wonder why?
I am currently 8 weeks pregnant, a fact I was planning on keeping a secret for another month. But my mom guessed it correctly last week (probably because I turned down a glass of wine ). So last night, DS & I were over at my parents' for dinner; along with my brother. Afterwards, my bro absconded with DS to a nearby park while I helped cleanup. My mom proceeds to give me this big, long lecture; basically just verbally ripping DH (mostly) and me (partly) to shreds. She thinks she is doing me a favor by pointing out all our [perceived] flaws, and things we need to improve if we're going to have another child. And my dad just stands there and backs her up.
I really tried not to get upset and be mature about it. I really hate how they make me feel like I'm regressing to my teenage years. Hello, I'm 33! I'm an adult and can make my own decisions and choices in life. I don't agree with their opinions, and I certainly don't agree with how they went about expressing them. I tried not to let it effect me, but hours later when I was in the privacy of home, I ended up bawling my eyes out. I'm upset but not furious or anything. But part of me just wants to be really petty and punish my parents by not bringing DS around them for a while, which I know I won't really do-- but it's tempting.

[arivecchi]

What?!

I am so sorry that she treated you that way. Have a conversation with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her she hurt your feelings and that she really needs to let you live your life or your relationship will suffer.

I am a big believer in speaking up instead of being upset over things but not addressing them for fear of confrontation.

Good luck.

[niccig]

Honestly, having a similar mother, you need to tell her that she can not talk to you like that. You are an adult, not a child, and you and DH will make decisions about your lives. You will not tolerate her berating you or speaking ill of your husband. She doesn't have to like what you do, but she does need to respect you by keeping her opinions to herself. If she can not do that, then get up and leave her house.

And yes, I have threatened to cut off all contact. Nothing drives the point of "I am the parent" and you better respect my boundaries more quickly. I didn't do it to be petty. I will not have my DS growing up with the constant criticism. To protect him, I will cut off contact if I have to.

She behaves better now. It was a very ugly conversation, and it started over critical comments she said about DS. My mama bear instincts went off and I fought her toe to toe on this. It's also better to do it when you DC are young and before grandms gets too ingrained in her behaviour that she can tell you want to do with your kids - my mother actually thought she would be the one making all the parenting decisions for DS. Squash it now.

[HIU8]

My mother can get like this. My answer, MY KIDS, MY CHOICE. Or I just literally shout Vagina at her. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how on earth I grew up b/c some of my mother's ideas are BAD.

[TwinFoxes]

Originally Posted by niccig

Honestly, having a similar mother, you need to tell her that she can not talk to you like that. You are an adult, not a child, and you and DH will make decisions about your lives. You will not tolerate her berating you or speaking ill of your husband. She doesn't have to like what you do, but she does need to respect you by keeping her opinions to herself. If she can not do that, then get up and leave her house.

And yes, I have threatened to cut off all contact. Nothing drives the point of "I am the parent" and you better respect my boundaries more quickly. I didn't do it to be petty. I will not have my DS growing up with the constant criticism. To protect him, I will cut off contact if I have to.

She behaves better now. It was a very ugly conversation, and it started over critical comments she said about DS. My mama bear instincts went off and I fought her toe to toe on this. It's also better to do it when you DC are young and before grandms gets too ingrained in her behaviour that she can tell you want to do with your kids - my mother actually thought she would be the one making all the parenting decisions for DS. Squash it now.

I have no BTDT, but I think this is all great advice. And I agree with arrivechi, it's better to speak up than let things fester inside you because you want to avoid confrontation.

[mackmama]

Originally Posted by niccig

Honestly, having a similar mother, you need to tell her that she can not talk to you like that. You are an adult, not a child, and you and DH will make decisions about your lives. You will not tolerate her berating you or speaking ill of your husband. She doesn't have to like what you do, but she does need to respect you by keeping her opinions to herself. If she can not do that, then get up and leave her house.

I think it's so important to set the boundary of "I am the parent, and both I and my decisions need to be respected." I find this is not a one-time thing and such a boundary needs to be repeated again and again.

[hellokitty]

I am so sorry your mom (and dad) treat you like this. My mom is like this too, very condescending and critical. It is really hard to deal with parents like this. I agree with setting boundaries. Just last night my mom called and then we got into it, b/c she started badgering me about the same old stuff again. I told her to cut it out and then she turns it into a guilt trip saying that I am being immature, b/c she is faaaamily and she only means well, so I should take her, "advice," b/c she has, "good intentions." She also started complaining about how my brothers and sil's don't like her advice and how they are, "over-sensitive," just like me. I flat out told her that they are not over-sensitive, that nobody likes unsolicited advice, esp from someone who is passively-aggressively PUSHY about it (ie: if you don't take her advice, she will continue to mention it over and over again, basically in an attempt to make you do things the way she THINKS you should do it, even if her advice is bad). She got upset about it and then changed the topic, and told me that she didn't feel like arguing with me (this is always what happens, as soon as I set boundaries, she gets upset). Set your boundaries and stick to them. My parents always get upset when I set my boundaries, but it has made ME feel so much better, instead of always feeling as if they are dominating and talking down on me. I don't get why some parents treat their adult children as if they are forever 4 yrs old. It's so insulting. I often retort to my mom, "you must really think that I am dumb..." That usually makes her backtrack a bit.

[Kaylee31]

Thanks ladies! You all gave me some great advice. I do have a tendency of avoiding confrontation and letting things fester and I need to get over that. I'm going to take a few days to cool off before talking to my mother about it; and let her know I do not want something like this to happen ever.again.

[niccig]

Originally Posted by mackmama

I think it's so important to set the boundary of "I am the parent, and both I and my decisions need to be respected." I find this is not a one-time thing and such a boundary needs to be repeated again and again.

I feel like I'm playing whackamole sometimes. You reinforce a boundary, it stays down and then another one gets crossed, so you whack that, and then the first one pops up again.

You can't let them cross a boundary even once. Give an inch and they take a mile.

I also feel that if they are badmouthing your spouse, you have to stand up for your spouse. It's another issue that my mother feels loyalty is to them first. No, I have a husband and a child and that is now my immediate family, and then the circle is extended to parents/siblings. I know my mother does not like my husband, but she is to treat him with respect. I don't expect best buddies, but respectful behaviour.

Sorry, it sounds like you have a mother like mine...what has helped is I channel her. My mother can be an absolute stubborn b$tch - so when I need to be stubborn and not give in, I can as learned from her how to do it..minus the b$tch part. But I can do that too if I have to. And you have an ace in the hole, you have their grandchild. In my case, DS is the only grandchild and access to him is through me. If she tries any of her critical domineering BS, I pull back on contact. DS does not need to be exposed to her dysfunction.