Managing your kids and your ailing spouse

[Pepper]

Wondering if anyone here's gone through this...DH's cancer came back, after 20+ years of hiding out (we though he was in the clear). He'll do 2 months of chemo and then go into the hospital for 3 weeks for a stem cell transplant. After that he's at home for 2 more months while we wait to find out if the transplant engrafted (if it "took").

We still don't have diagnoses for DS (he goes to the developmental ped on Monday, at long last!) but he's probably ADHD, lots of anxiety, super impulsive, aggressive, maybe on the autism spectrum, maybe bipolar, plus the cleft and adoption issues on top of all that. With a regular kid I would just let them sleep with me, eat extra treats and watch lots of movies to keep them occupied and help them feel more secure, but that's not going to work with DS1. Or will it?

I did let some rules lax a bit when we brought DS2 home last year, such as letting him sleep with us, but moved him back to his bed when he started getting aggressive towards DS2 (DS2 was sleeping with us too, but moved to his own bed shortly thereafter). I just don't know...I want to do everything I can to help him while Daddy is sick, but I don't want to exacerbate any of his current challenges by making too many exceptions. KWIM?

[sariana]

I have no advice other than to follow your gut about your kids, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and .

[Twoboos]

I am also so sorry, many hugs for you and your family.

Is there anyone you can talk to at the hospital for add'l help at home - a social worker or similar? Otherwise I really have no ideas.

[DietCokeLover]

Oh, I'm so sorry. That is so much to try and juggle.

Can you hire someone to help you with DS some during the week that can help with a set routine/ structure? That way there is some real consistency throughout the day and someone to help you when you need to take your DH to the doctor, etc?

[ThreeofUs]

I'm so sorry your DH and your family are going through this.

ITA that someone to help with structure and consistency from day-to-day might be good.

Do you qualify for services from EI or other support (like schools)? Given your situation, I'd talk to the dev ped about whether you can get support as part of the services package.

[ShanaMama]

Originally Posted by DietCokeLover

Can you hire someone to help you with DS some during the week that can help with a set routine/ structure? That way there is some real consistency throughout the day and someone to help you when you need to take your DH to the doctor, etc?

I am sorry your DH's cancer is back. Best wishes for a full & easy recovery. I agree with the above. You've got a lot on your plate & getting a steady person to help you out might be very helpful.

[Gena]

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are dealing with all this.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

[MamaKath]

Originally Posted by ShanaMama

I am sorry your DH's cancer is back. Best wishes for a full & easy recovery. I agree with the above. You've got a lot on your plate & getting a steady person to help you out might be very helpful.

So sorry your husband's cancer has returned!!! Lots of p&pt!!!

ITA with a steady person. My dh has had some major medical stuff in the last couple years (injury though, not cancer) and I found that for the most part providing consistency made things run more smoothly for all of us. It provided the rhythm we needed to make it through. It doesn't always happen, but as a goal it does iykwim. The more I let things slide or be out of routine, the more I set dc up for issues.

[Pepper]

Yeah, you are all right - I need to get a steady person who can bee there every week. So many friends have offered to babysit, which is wonderful, but I need to get someone in place who can be here when DH is hospitalized and later during his recovery too.

It's been a rollercoaster week - first chemo appt went well until DH had a reaction to one of the drugs, which they got under control quickly but it left him wiped out. Then he felt great for two days and terrible the next two...checked in at the clinic and all looks good, the drugs are working remakrably well but that just leaves him tired.

Monday we go to the developmental ped for the results from last weeks evaluation...I am so curious to know what diagnosis they will finally make. I feel like it's Diagnosis Week around here...kind of like Shark Week but not nearly as much fun, lol.

Thanks for all of the kind words & thoughts!

[Pepper]

Thought i would post an update (tho I can't figure out how to change the thread title to say "Update in #__").

DH needed a lot more chemo than we originally thought/were told that he would need. It took four different regimen of chemo drugs to finally get the tumor burden down low enough to move forward with his transplant. He is doing the pre-transplant stuff (I get to inject him with the stem cell mobilizing drugs, oh joy) and is scheduled to go into the hospital in a couple of weeks.

Lots has happened with DS1 too, some of which I've posted elsewhere inthe forum. But to sum up, he's definately ADHD, probably not on the autism spectrum, but may have some kind of mood disorder possibly bipolar. We've been trying out different meds for the ADHD and more recently the mood. On top of that DS1 has a lot of anxiety about DH, especially when DH is wiped out from chemo but DS1 wants Daddy NOW. In some ways it think it will be easier when DH is in the hospital - easier for DS1.

I'm tyring to think if I can offer any sage advice for anyone else who may end up inthis situation (special needs kids/sick spouse)...but the last few months are such a blur. I did get a couple of babysitters, and that helped a lot. I tried to get some more help but had such a hard time tyring to find someone who could handle DS1 (whi still directs most of his aggression toward DS2), then a friend suggested that I send DS2 to daycare and just deal with DS1 myself after school. Now why didn't I think of that? :-)

Anyway, I know I'm rambling, sorry. In short, parenting SN kids while your spouse is sick really sucks. We have wonderful friends who have been tremendous with support and helping out. But sometimes I wish I could just plop the kids in front of the tv and put on a movie. They're all in bed now, though, so I think I'll go plop myself in front of the tv and put on a movie!