How to pull down a wall?

[Giantbear]

Stop trying to pull down the wall and let it come down naturally.

[MontrealMum]

I think that what you're feeling is perfectly normal considering the issues you'd had, both past and present, with pregnancy. Be gentle with yourself, it will come.

[arivecchi]

Originally Posted by mommylamb

Even if you hadn't been through all the roller coaster stuff with this pregnancy, I think it would be normal to feel this way. It's just different when you're pregnant with your second child because it's hard to really wrap your mind around how you could love anyone else as much as you do your first.

Can I be perfectly honest? I hate being pregnant and do not "connect" with my kids until they are a couple of months old. I also had an even harder time connecting with DS2 because I was mourning my life with DS1 as an only kid. They are perfectly normal emotions IMO. Just take care of yourself and things will happen naturally when you are ready.

[sste]

I completely agree with arivechi and other posters. This is a natural HELPFUL protection mechanism. Just go with it for now.

I am another one that doesn't bond during pregnancy OR right in the delivery room or even in the early weeks. With both of my pregnancies the babies were whisked away for medical reasons and it was basically DH and I clinging to each other in a panic about what had happened to me, my recovery, etc. Not that we didn't care about our babies . . . quite the opposite. But DH and I both had a much longer relationship with me and making sure I was OK was the first priority to us. As I think it needs to be.

Focus on taking care of you right now - - you have been through alot already with this pregnancy. And I would suggest moving the focus away from bonding with the baby/pregnancy to trying to carve out some enjoyment of the pregnancy for you. Have you treated yourself to a fabulous maternity dress? A prenatal massage? Any relatives you can leave DD with for a weekend for a mini babymoon? Start planning mama!

[Melaine]

I am about a month behind you. I haven't had any losses but I have a lot of anxiety. It's hard for me to think or say ANYTHING about the baby without following it up by a "if the Baby is ok" in my head. I have done some shopping and that definitely helped me think about it a bit more. But I agree with pps, it's nothing to worry about that you feel this way. It makes sense and sounds perfectly fine. I have no doubt you will connect to the baby, and I don't think it's a problem if it's not yet. I would just do your best to rest and stay healthy. I am also thinking after Christmas the REAL baby planning will hit for me, because we will just be so busy between now and then.

[carolinamama]

I had 2 m/c between my boys. The second one was particularly difficult being later and due to a chromosomal problem that caused more problems. When I got pregnant with DS2, I didn't connect with him until closer to the end of pregnancy. It was just too hard. You aren't alone - it isn't too unusual. Give yourself a chance and don't stress about it too much.

[daniele_ut]

I'm just chiming in to voice my agreement that your feelings really are normal. I wish I had an answer as to *how* you really reconnect, though. I'm 32 weeks into a very complicated pregnancy (complete placenta previa and placenta accreta) that means a dangerous delivery for me and possibly for the baby. I already have a hard time with each pregnancy since we lost our oldest DD at 27 weeks because of a rare birth defect, but the cloud hanging over this pregnancy has been hard to see through. One thing that did help was a surprise 4D ultrasound that I got at one of my high risk doc appointments a few weeks ago. Seeing the baby's face and how much he resembles DD2 really brought things to a better place for me.

[llama8]

I had a 17 week missed miscarriage in my 1st pregnancy that I found out about at the 20 week ultrasound (no heartbeat...no reasons why). I was devastated.

With my 2 healthy pregnancies after, I had a wall. I didn't want to talk about the baby or get excited because I felt something bad would happen. I can tell you that the minute I saw both of my babies, the wall was gone and I was the happiest person ever.

The wall is a defense mechanism to handle trauma or stress, not an actual feeling of not wanting the baby.

[ShanaMama]

Originally Posted by amldaley

I saw the title of this thread and thought you MUST be talking about nesting and how to pull down a wall to make a room bigger and what would be the safest way to do that.

When I read your OP, I totally could not focus on what you were saying and kept wondering..."when does she get to the part about the wall?"

I had the same reaction & didn't even attribute it to nesting! I was wondering why you posted about construction in the pregnancy forum!

I will join the chorus that says go easy on yourself. I think your feelings are totally understandable with your circumstances & within the realm of normal even for someone who hasn't had any losses. This is my third healthy pregnancy (thank G-d) but I am completely not bonding with the baby. I hate to say it but I feel so horrible that I actually hate the baby a little bit. (Not really...) When I'm nauseaus & overcome by excruciating heartburn & this little booger starts kicking, instead of that pleasant feeling of 'that's my baby moving around inside' I feel like 'please baby, can't you just give me a break?!'
I don't even know how to react to all the people who ask me just how excited I am & in particular the coworker who was so excited that she became emotional while probing over & over again just how excited I was when I found out. (She seemed to assume that we had been trying for at least three years, cuz that's when my last one was born!) I don't know what to tell these people. Right now, I can't tap into any excitement. I knew I'd feel horrible & chose this anyway. I want another baby & I pray for its health & wellbeing. But I can't get excited until I am in labor & close to ending this pregnancy! Of course, I feel guilty for feeling this way but I really try to leave the guilt at the door. It's so pointless & wastes so much energy.

[Simon]

Originally Posted by arivecchi

Can I be perfectly honest? I hate being pregnant and do not "connect" with my kids until they are a couple of months old. I also had an even harder time connecting with DS2 because I was mourning my life with DS1 as an only kid. They are perfectly normal emotions IMO. Just take care of yourself and things will happen naturally when you are ready.

I always feel this is a rather taboo thing to say, but I don't feel connected during pregnancy at all. I wanted all my boys and I love parenting, but I don't feel any intense sort of feelings for my unborn children.

Dh knows this and is cool with it, but I have had interesting reactions when I have made it perfectly clear, while in labor at the hospital, that I don't want to hear any of that sappy, do it for the baby! its all worth it for the baby! cr^p because I really, truly, don't give a damn at that moment.

Now, to contradict the part where I agree that this is totally in the range of normal feeligns. I will also say that you should consider the possibility of depression. Do you have a history of PPD? The P in PPD can stand for Pre. It can happen during pregnancy and not just after. I had several long talks and extra depression screenings in my last pg because it was a very stressful time and my MW were concerned.