Better to have 3 or 4 kids?

[Ladybug47]

Okay, so I know there's research out there about benefits of having an even number of kids over an odd number (middle child syndrome, etc.), and I'm hoping you all can save me some reading and give me your knowledge and opinions on whether it's really "better" in any way (for the kids) to have four kids versus three, or if it doesn't really make a big difference. Of course, I know there's no right or wrong answer and that it can largely depend on the parents' and kids' individual personalities; I'm just looking for feedback on what people have read and experienced, so that I can get an idea of the benefits of both family sizes.

Also, feedback on what is "better" for the parents would be helpful, too. I know some of you are excellent at handling a lot of kids and some struggle with it, and I'd like to hear both sides. so I know some things to maybe expect if we eventually decide to try to add one more child (or maybe eventually two, although that sounds really really scary right now) to our family.

I'd love to have maybe one more child at some point, but I don't want to feel any guilt for sticking one of our kids in the middle child spot or not having an even number so the kids can pair up to hang out. Is it silly to be concerned about these things? I come from a family of just me and my sister, so my experience is that of a family of four. I guess I just don't want to feel any (self)pressure to "even out" the family and have a fourth just because we want to maybe have a third.

Thanks in advance for your responses!

[ast96]

I think the answers are VERY individual to your family and circumstances, but I will tell you that I think I vastly underestimated the middle child issues. My middle son really suffers from a lot of the classic self esteem problems of middle children and I do believe it has changed who he is to be a middle child.

We are now having a fourth, but I wonder if it is too late to mitigate the middle child stuff. He'll be 8 when this baby is born. And FWIW, I think it is harder on him to be the middle of three of the same gender than it might have been to be in a mixed-gender family where there would have been a wider variance in interests and comparisons.

[g-mama]

Originally Posted by ast96

I think the answers are VERY individual to your family and circumstances, but I will tell you that I think I vastly underestimated the middle child issues. My middle son really suffers from a lot of the classic self esteem problems of middle children and I do believe it has changed who he is to be a middle child.

We are now having a fourth, but I wonder if it is too late to mitigate the middle child stuff. He'll be 8 when this baby is born. And FWIW, I think it is harder on him to be the middle of three of the same gender than it might have been to be in a mixed-gender family where there would have been a wider variance in interests and comparisons.

word for word. A thousand times over. Did I write that post?

We considered having a fourth for quite a while. I have two friends who are middle children of three and SWORE up and down they would never have three. Either two or four, but never three. I dismissed their complaints and thought they were overreacting....until I had three. Then I got it.

[brittone2]

I really think it is variable.

Even things like gender of all of the siblings can perhaps change things I think. I have boy-girl-boy, so the girl is the "middle" but also has a unique place in the family as the only girl, kwim?

Middle child syndrome or not, I could not have 4. I wanted 3, and there's no way I can even entertain the notion of a 4th at this point.

[corrie23]

I'm the middle of three. True, as a kid I always wanted 4 but I think that's because I had some white picket fence notion that involved 2 boys and 2 girls. I think that in general birth order research has shown very little to substantiate true birth order "traits." Drawing on my own experience, I see no ill effects of having been a middle child. I think I'm great ) When we were deciding if we should have another (after having 2) I was driven in part by wanting my younger DD to experience a sibling relationship that was different than what she already had with her sister (my older DD is very dominant, has strong opinions, etc. and I wanted DD#2 to grow up knowing that the was her sister viewed her and the world was just one person's view and not the TRUE or ONLY view). My younger DD is very nurturing and was really born to be a big sister so I wanted her to have that experience too. When I had #3 it was a shift for DD#2 but it was really due more to the 5.5 months I spent on bedrest with the pregnancy than anything else and that's more a life lesson about rolling with what life hands you than about adapting to a new sibling. My oldest also had a VERY hard adjustment when my younger DD was born, but she took to my son much more easily (perhaps because she was older/more secure), so I was glad that she too got to have a different experience adjusting to a new sibling.

At this point (my youngest is 20 mos.) I would never consider another pregnancy. It's more about me and recognizing my limits than anything else. I've had too many health issues to take on the physical stress of another pregnancy or raising another child. Under any circumstances I believe that being raised by a happy healthy mom will shape my kids more than their birth order/sibling dynamics.

[daisymommy]

I've never heard of the research pointing to an even number of children. I have read about middle child syndrome thing, yes.

Originally Posted by brittone2

Even things like gender of all of the siblings can perhaps change things I think. I have boy-girl-boy, so the girl is the "middle" but also has a unique place in the family as the only girl, kwim?

Yeah that

I really think you should have as many children is right for your family...budget wise, sanity wise, space wise, etc. and not just look at a number. Things may not be "perfect" for your child(ren) but they'll be worse I think if you stretch yourself thin and have 4 when you can really only handle and want 3. Same goes for if you limit yourself to only 2, but your heart is aching for another, for the rest of your life. The middle child will be fine, and loved.

That said, I'll add this theory to my list of things I tell myself when I am trying to psyche myself up about having an unexpected #4

[swissair81]

I have 4. My 2nd daughter is still a middle child. I don't know if it's her personality, or because she's 4 years younger than my oldest, but it's definitely there. If you don't think you can handle 4, don't drive yourself crazy thinking you could have done something to make it better (but can't really). What is nice, is the sense of camaraderie that my kids have with each other. They (usually) play together very nicely. Things would definitely be less interesting around here with fewer kids.

[daisymommy]

Originally Posted by swissair81

Things would definitely be less interesting around here with fewer kids.

Now that's the truth!

[maestramommy]

I think this is very much an individual thing. For us, we have 3 because 4 just felt like too many for Dh. Course 3 just pushed us over the edge so what do I know!

I grew up in a family of 4, but our youngest sib is 4 years younger than #3, so I think there was still a bit of middle child syndrome. There is definitely that going on with my DDs, but they are quite close in age, so I think that may have a lot to do with it as well.......#2 has never had me to herself. While she plays the most independently of the 3, I can see that being shuffled off to make room for another baby while she was still a baby and her older sib was turning 4 (hell in our house) did cost her some. Makes me sad, but it is what it is, so we try to make up for it in other ways. Actually they all pay in one way or another but in the long run I think they will be fine.

One of my cousins has 2, the youngest is 5. At this point if they were to have a 3rd, then her Dh said they'd have to have a 4th, because the first two are a strong unit. That's another way of looking at it.

[KrisM]

Originally Posted by brittone2

I really think it is variable.

Even things like gender of all of the siblings can perhaps change things I think. I have boy-girl-boy, so the girl is the "middle" but also has a unique place in the family as the only girl, kwim?

Middle child syndrome or not, I could not have 4. I wanted 3, and there's no way I can even entertain the notion of a 4th at this point.

I have boy-girl-boy, too. DD does not seem to have a middle child syndrome at all.

The only times I think it'd be nice to have 4 are things like at amusement parks when someone has to ride alone.