Do you ask for gift recommendations? Do you give them?

[Green_Tea]

I am curious how the BBB mamas feel about this.

My sisters and parents ALWAYS ask me what the kids would like for Christmas, and usually buy things I suggest. I always ask my sister and SIL what my nieces and nephews would like as well. We (and by "we" I mean my sisters and I - SIL is another story...) keep requests reasonable and aren't shy about mentioning how much we are planning to spend. It seems like a win-win for everyone, and the kids are always really happy to get things they want/like.

MIL and SIL used to ask me what the kids would like, but as the kids have gotten older they no longer do. As a result, they have both given my kids birthday and Christmas gifts that are duplicates of things they already have, and are in the wrong sizes. I have tried the approach of emailing SIL and asking what her daughter would like and have even said, "I want to get her something she'll love!" in the hopes that she'll, at the very least, ask about sizes. This year I heard back from her that she had already purchased my DS legos - a GREAT gift, but also something we have a TON of. I am totally not opposed to MORE legos, but if there were something I was buying for a kid who already had a large collection, I might send an email with a few links and say something like, "Hey, does DS have any of these kits? " - especially since the first words out of DS's mouth when he opened his gift last year was, "Oh, Aunt Jackie got me this, too." (He was four, and had (has!) no filter. Oops.) MIL buys the kids pajamas, whether they need them or not (they don't) and last year bought the wrong sizes for two of the three kids. She didn't seem bothered by the fact that they were too small, and didn't volunteer any gift receipts, or to return them for bigger sizes. Money isn't an issue for either of them, so I don't think it's about that. They just don't seem to really...care.

As I am rereading what I am writing, I probably come off as sounding ungrateful or entitled, but that's not it. I really feel bad that my SIL and MIL are buying gifts that get regifted/never worn. I am sure that if I asked DH to call his mother and sister and TELL them what the kids would like, he would. But they'd know it was coming from me, and I feel like it would be awkward and uncomfortable.

So, where do you stand? Do you ask for suggestions for things that your nieces and nephews would like? If they are big into things like Playmobil/Legos/AG, do you check to make sure you're not buying something they already have? Do you love/hate being given suggestions? Give me a little perspective . I am not angry or upset about the situation, nor do I feel that my kids deserve gifts at all - I am just trying to understand their POV.

[hillview]

My sister and I do yes on both. My parents not so much. My MIL not at all.
/hillary

[SnuggleBuggles]

I always ask for ideas for holiday gifts- I figure it is a help for both of us. I used to send out a link to ds1's wish list and people were receptive of it in our family. I stopped doing that but family still contacts us for ideas (and we give them). Posters on here had me feeling greedy for sending out wishlists and I know I shouldn't care because, really, it works for my family and no one here ever complained. But, it stuck with me. Things seem to work as they are here though.

Beth

[HonoluluMom]

In my family, we ask for and give gift recommendations. It makes things easier and everyone is happy!

[ourbabygirl]

Yes, I definitely ask for suggestions from both of my SILs, and do so partly in hopes that my one SIL will do the same for my kids.
The other SIL is awesome & she asks what my kids would need/ like & gets them one of those suggestions; the other SIL doesn't ask & usually gets us clothes, which is kind of a bummer because my kids already have a ton of clothes (I like picking them out & getting the right sizes since DS is tiny & DD is bigger for her age). I think she always buys clothes for our kids & the other SIL's kids because she wants to get the hand-me-downs.

[boolady]

I will gladly give ideas when asked for them. My parents always ask, and I give them a few ideas to choose from. My sisters sometimes ask, if they don't have ideas, and I will give them some, because I know they both want to give DD things that are useful and not redundant. My SIL sometimes asks for DD, but I don't have to worry because she's a good chooser, too.

My FIL buys DD nothing but crap and never asks what she could use. He just walks up and down the aisles of Toys R Us buying random stuff, spending too much on things that aren't going to get used or are just like things he's already given her. I really, really wish he'd ask for ideas or DH would give him some, but that's not happening. If that sounds ungrateful, so be it. I hate waste, and I know he'd be furious if he ever found out that we donated something he gave her, so it results in waste. He literally asks her about the things he's bought her every time he's at our house.

As for asking for ideas, my sisters and BIL and boyfriend IL do a secret santa and we circulate a list of our wants for our secret santa to get inspiration from. None of us are big on random junk, so we're just as happy to ask for a stick blender and get a stick blender or whatever. My sisters and I have been going in on a joint gift for my parents the last few years, and it's usually something big my parents want and will give us the idea, like a new set of pots and pans or some sort of technology or something.

[mommylamb]

I haven't really been in your position yet, but it would frustrate me. I keep an Amazon list for DS that both my mother and sister are aware of. They sometimes buy stuff off that list, and sometimes don't, but fortunately they always ask me about what they're thinking of getting him. DH's family live in England, and they usually send small gifts for DS with my MIL when she visits us in the Fall, which she always gives to him when she sees him in lieu of Christmas presents. This year MIL came with envelopes of money from herself and 2 of my 3 SILs and asked me to get DS presents from them so that he could unwrap them on Christmas, which I thought was really nice of them.

Since your MIL always buys your kids PJs, maybe you can just tell her "in case you are going to buy PJs for the kids, these are their sizes..."

[TwinFoxes]

Originally Posted by HonoluluMom

In my family, we ask for and give gift recommendations. It makes things easier and everyone is happy!

Same here. Older DNs put a range of prices for their wants. Lego loving nephew includes the model number of the sets he wants, but also puts "or anything you think I'd like" which I love. Niece asks for specific size clothes, also love that!

[arivecchi]

I used to ask for recs, but no one returns the courtesy, so now I just buy whatever I want for my kids' relatives - whether they need it or not. Sad but true.

[Sopamanda]

This drives me batty. My dad sends my child 3 $5 bills for birthdays. Since he was like 2.
And the card always comes late. And he forgets to call on the birthday (sigh). DS is 6 now and asks why Grampa hasn't called.

My son is the ONLY grandchild.

For Christmas he sends crap.

This isn't a money thing. I could care less if they spent $5, but you can even find a $5 that's -thoughtful-.

Drives.me.batty.