**Update #39**WWYD? Fuming over email response from DD's new teacher (long, sorry)

[randomkid]

I am so angry right now I can hardly see straight I will try to not get too wordy and turn this into a vent! A little background:

DD is in first grade in private school. Last month, DD's very sweet and wonderful teacher unexpectedly and suddenly resigned. Without going into details, I know why and completely understand, but I think the school could have handled it better. It was announced late on a Thursday afternoon and the following Monday was her last day. New teacher started Tuesday - she had been in the classroom since Friday, but was really just in the background. The previous teacher's departure was so sudden that many of the children have had a very difficult time adjusting, DD included. I have had communication with the guidance counselor at school (whose DD happens to be in DD's class) and DD has met with her. The GC has told me that many children are having a hard time. The new teacher is "strict" and not very outwardly affectionate or reassuring. Fine, I get it that not everyone is so loving, but this is first grade and as a new teacher, you would think she would be a little more sensitive to the kids' feelings (she has a 5yo DS, btw). Last Friday, DD finally had a positive encounter with her and things started looking up. This week had gone well until today.

Let me preface this by saying that the new teacher is not good at communicating with parents - won't give examples to keep this as short as possible. And, the room mom has not been too helpful in that dept either. Today was casual day and also casual photo day. I did not realize this because it was only on the school website calendar which I only check on occasion. No reminder note on the daily homework assignment sheet and no note sent home in backpacks. DD told me after school that the teacher sent home notes, but we apparently didn't get one. The Head of School also sends out a weekly email newsletter and it was not on there either. So, we show up at school with DD in uniform and all the other kids wearing casual clothes. This is a big deal because they only do casual days 3-4 times/yr. Not only that, it was a PHOTO DAY! I did not realize the photo part of the day until almost noon. I ran errands, then came home to check the online calendar. By then, they had already taken photos. Otherwise, I would have taken clothes back to the school. Of course, DD was upset as I knew she would be, but figured the teacher could handle it, but apparently not. I sent an e-mail to the teacher explaining that we didn't know about it and that I would like DD to have her pic taken on makeup day. Here is my email (edited to remove irrelevant info about carpool):

Also, somehow I completely missed that today was casual/photo day. I found out that there is a make up day on Monday March 5. I would like G to have her photo retaken in casual clothes. Since that is a dress uniform day, how would you like to work it out? I could send clothes with her or stay until after chapel and bring clothes to her. I'm guessing you would not want her to go to chapel in casual clothes. If she is upset, please let her know that there is a make up day for photos and there is another casual day in April. We won't miss that one! G always looks forward to casual days

Here is her response:

G entered the classroom crying because she had on the wrong clothes and cried until 9:25. I told her it was ok and her friends also tried to cheer her up, but she continued to cry. Her crying interfered with her work. I would like her to work on some coping skills to help her deal with her sadness or frustration. Thanks for your help.
She can come in her dress uniform, and when we get back to the classroom she can change in our restroom.

Really?!? My DD is a super sensitive, emotional girl. I HAVE worked on coping strategies with her for SEVEN YEARS!!! I told the teacher this when we first met. All she seemed to care about was that the crying "interefered with her work". She let my DD cry for an hour and 15 minutes and did nothing about it!! A little reassurance and understanding on her part likely would have helped. She seems so focused on the work that she can't take a couple of minutes out of her day to deal with an upset child. Really? It was PICTURE day - call the parent!!! Does she really think I would have sent DD in a camoflauge t-shirt for a photo? (On Fridays, they can wear a school t-shirt with their uniform bottoms - DD wore a camo shirt from a cheerleading camp). She knows that DD has had a hard time with the transition and that she has met with the GC. She is putting it back on me when she did nothing to help the situation. If she didn't know what to do, then why the he!! didn't she call me? I am so pissed right now I can hardly see straight. I do plan to address this, but am not sure what I want to say or how? I also intend to contact the principal who recently sent an email to the parents reassuring us of how great this teacher is and I will also be contacting the GC. DD was fine this afternoon, but I am ticked that she let DD cry so long AND that she did not acknowledge or apologize for not getting a note to me about photo day. It is standard practice at this school to send reminder notes home in folders. From what DD said, they did this, we just didn't get one. Am I overreacting or does her response seem cold?

[MoJo]

Hugs to you and your little girl

I don't have school agers yet, but as a child I was like your daughter. And unfortunately, my mom was probably more like the new teacher. She never could understand my feelings or help me with them, and I didn't get better about it until I was in college.

Because of that, I think I'd focus on the lack of communication (before, during, and after the event) and if you or the GC have any helpful strategies, to remind her of what you're working on & ask her to help you as well. It's not fair to your nor helpful to your DD for her to just ask you to work on it.

As a side note, the people I've known like the teacher, my mom included, have or have had a LOT of pain in their life. And unfortunately, the coping mechanism they choose (turning cold) often hurts other people and they don't even realize it.

I don't know if that helps, but I couldn't read and not post, especially so early in the morning.

[dogmom]

I think the response seems professional. I understand why you are upset, I'm not saying I wouldn't be in your shoes, but I don't think the teacher is cold. From the perspective of the teacher this is what I get. You sent a note asking about rescheduling a photo shoot and "If" your DD is upset to let her know there will be make up. She sent you a short note essentially saying she was really upset, even with other people trying to comfort her, to the point where she could not do her work. (I'm going to assume she did tell your DD that there was a make up.) I don't think it's cold for the teacher to comment on this fact, that's her job really, to teach children. I don't read from the note that she is blaming you, or putting it back on you, but identifying that this is an area to work on. I don't think she did nothing. She seemed to try to comfort her, and let her friends try to comfort her, taking them away from their work. I guess she could have called you at home, but at what point. I can see being 30 minutes into it and thinking, "well, this looks like it is winding down" and it goes on for much longer. It's easier in hindsight to say you should have been called, and many schools try not to call parents at home for something like this because it might actually make things worse. It's not like she just sent her to the principals office. Although I understand the upset at the lack of note triggering all this, and I would be pissed also, that's really not the main issue in the email. I would give it the weekend to sink in and then look at it again on Monday. I am only disagreeing with you because you asked for other opinions. Like I said, I'd probably react the same way at first, but I would hope I could take another look at it later.

Having said all this a lot will depend on how the teacher responds when you do engage her after this email. It could turn out she's a cold fish, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

[egoldber]

I agree with dogmom. I don't read that e-mail as being blaming of you. I see it as the teacher identifying an area to work on. She's new and doesn't really know your DD or you or your history yet.

I'm sorry that happened to your DD though. That is the type of thing that would make my own DD very upset at that same age, so I feel your pain.

[wellyes]

I'm sorry.

It does cold. But not inappropriate. There is a school of though that communications should be brief and factual-- very businesslike. It doesn't mean she lacks empathy. Having her friends handle the bulk of the comforting is the right approach.

[randomkid]

Originally Posted by dogmom

I think the response seems professional. I understand why you are upset, I'm not saying I wouldn't be in your shoes, but I don't think the teacher is cold. From the perspective of the teacher this is what I get. You sent a note asking about rescheduling a photo shoot and "If" your DD is upset to let her know there will be make up. She sent you a short note essentially saying she was really upset, even with other people trying to comfort her, to the point where she could not do her work. (I'm going to assume she did tell your DD that there was a make up.) I don't think it's cold for the teacher to comment on this fact, that's her job really, to teach children. I don't read from the note that she is blaming you, or putting it back on you, but identifying that this is an area to work on. I don't think she did nothing. She seemed to try to comfort her, and let her friends try to comfort her, taking them away from their work. I guess she could have called you at home, but at what point. I can see being 30 minutes into it and thinking, "well, this looks like it is winding down" and it goes on for much longer. It's easier in hindsight to say you should have been called, and many schools try not to call parents at home for something like this because it might actually make things worse. It's not like she just sent her to the principals office. Although I understand the upset at the lack of note triggering all this, and I would be pissed also, that's really not the main issue in the email. I would give it the weekend to sink in and then look at it again on Monday. I am only disagreeing with you because you asked for other opinions. Like I said, I'd probably react the same way at first, but I would hope I could take another look at it later.

Having said all this a lot will depend on how the teacher responds when you do engage her after this email. It could turn out she's a cold fish, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Here's the thing - I HAVE been working with her on coping strategies. She has met with the guidance counselor, the GC met with the teacher, I have talked to the teacher. We did not have any problems like this with her previous teacher. IMO, this teacher did not know how to settle her down. DD NEVER cries that long at school. Maybe for a couple of minutes if she is upset, but not for an hour and 15 minutes! This teacher has had little to no communication with parents. They are supposed to post a weekly newsletter and she has only posted one since she started 4 weeks ago. The last one was Feb 2nd. For Valentine's Day, she sent home a paper with all of the students' names on it. No instructions on what to do with it, when to bring in valentines, do we need to bring in or make a bag/box, etc.

And, if she truly was just addressing my e-mail, she wouldn't have gone on and on about DD crying. Maybe it sounds professional, but we are dealing with little children here. I chose this school because they claim to "focus on the whole child". I expect DD's emotional issues to be addressed in addition to her academics. *I* didn't call because I figured the teacher would know how to handle it. Letting my child cry that long is NOT an effective method of handling an upset child. I would have preferred it if she had sent her to the principal's office!

[randomkid]

Originally Posted by wellyes

I'm sorry.

It does cold. But not inappropriate. There is a school of though that communications should be brief and factual-- very businesslike. It doesn't mean she lacks empathy. Having her friends handle the bulk of the comforting is the right approach.

I disagree. The adults should handle the comforting, not the other children. DH agrees with me. He feels the teacher was insensitive and should have handled it differently. I guess I am not really angry about how the e-mail is worded, but how she handled the situation. She KNOWS that DD has been emotional and has gone to counseling. It doesn't sound to me that she did a very good job of comforting her if she cried that long.

[arivecchi]

I'm not sure why the teacher had to go off on the crying tangent. Why not call you then so the problem could be solved? Her email response sounds robotic to me and kind of OT given your question.

[randomkid]

Originally Posted by arivecchi

I'm not sure why the teacher had to go off on the crying tangent. Why not call you then so the problem could be solved? Her email response sounds robotic to me and kind of OT given your question.

Thank you. This is what irritated me. The first thing I said was "I didn't know about casual day". DD told me that the teacher told her she sent notes home in their folders. DD said "I don't think we got one". I confirmed this with her this morning. And no, we didn't get a note. The teacher did not acknowledge that at all. IMO, she should have been able to accept her failure in it all and only went off about DD crying. Well, had I gotten some sort of communication, then this wouldn't have happened and she wouldn't have interrupted YOUR precious classroom time with her incessant crying! Ugh. You know, it's not just me and DD. Almost all the kids in the class and some of the parents have had a problem with her. The counselor has had to talk to a lot of kids and parents about her. I have even heard from parents of kids in different classes, saying that they have heard things have been rough with this woman. The principal responds by sending an email to all parents telling us how great the teacher is. Seems to me that the teacher is the problem.

[nfowife]

I also don't get why you weren't called. Last year in K I sent my DD to school in pj's for pajama day on the wrong day. Before I was even home from dropping off (and I can see the school from my house!), teacher was calling me to bring back regular clothes for DD. I think that was an oversight on her part for sure.