Have you successfully reversed a chronic estrangement from your mother?

[garnetgirl]

Heavy title, I know. And I'll try to make a long story short here.

I grew up with a kind, loving, fun, patient dad and an unloving, bitter, abusive, narcissistic mother. It was a huge relief when she left us while I was in high school, but sadly she continued to harass us from a distance. That was the first time I cut off all contact, and since then we've been out of contact for years at a time. We've had periods of peace, usually after meeting at family weddings, but she'll end up doing or saying something impossibly cruel, never apologize, and I'll step away again. I just haven't had the time or energy to deal with the drama.

Fast forward: after more than three years apart, my mother contacted me a few months ago; actually she showed up at our door (she lives in another state, so it was a huge surprise) and met our 2-year old for the first time. Since then, we've talked on the phone several times, and we met again in person. So far, everything has gone smoothly; it's like she's a different person. But I am very wary; I've trusted her many times and ended up severely burned.

Is it really possible to recover from a rollercoaster estrangement and go on to have a good, fulfilling relationship? Has anyone been through something similar? Did it work out? If not, at what point did you decide to give up for good?

If you've made it this far, thanks! And thanks in advance for any experiences you care to share!

[nmosur]

I don't know. You can try though. If I were you, I would maintain the emotional distance for a long long time till I was sure about her.

[wellyes]

I wonder if she is on medication now? I think you're in a tough spot - so much to lose if you trust her - but I really hope it works out.

[vludmilla]

If she truly has a narcissistic personality, I think it is highly unlikely that she has changed without intensive therapy and effort on her part. Narcissistic people know how to manipulate others and keep up a facade when it serves their goal. My own mother has strong narcissistic tendencies and while I have not completely cut her out of my life, I am fairly distant. She can be nice at times but I don't trust her for good reason. She is pretty good with DD though so I just try to make that the focus of our interactions about once or month or less. I have to maintain adequate distance between us for my own emotional well being. Good luck to you in deciding what to do about your own mother.

[veronica]

Yes, it can happen. It will depend greatly on your own individual personalities and what you value out of life.

Long story , very short:

10-11 years ago, I received a letter from my mother that criticized me in such a hurful way. I cut her and my father off. I had never done that. I had always been an ideal child; successful, loving, devoted, always wanting positive reinforcement, never rocking the boat, etc.

they were cut off to just sunday phone calls for a while. then we got pregnant with DD and they came to see her in the recovery room. things slowing got better.

6+ years later and a lot of other things , and my mother and I talk every day, several times a day. We aren't the "best-friend" type but she adores the kids and I love that they adore her.

it can happen. I'd say, in closing, that it was the moment my mother really realized I was my own person, and that she needed to respect that, that things turned the corner.

[DrSally]

What is the change in her due to? Has she been through some therapy?

[flashy09]

At the end of the day, you only have one life and one mother. If there was ever a relationship worth putting yourself out there for and risk getting hurt, it's probably your mom. It sounds like you realize all her shortcomings and are not going to get blindsided or hurt out of the blue if it falls apart again. My advice would be to just go with the relationship now that it seems better. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain if somehow she has bettered herself.

Of course I don't know the circumstances (and btw, I am completely estranged from my father by choice), but from what I read i would give it a try again.

[garnetgirl]

Originally Posted by wellyes

I wonder if she is on medication now? I think you're in a tough spot - so much to lose if you trust her - but I really hope it works out.

No, definitely not on medication. That would mean admitting she has flaws!

[anonomom]

Originally Posted by garnetgirl

No, definitely not on medication. That would mean admitting she has flaws!

That one there raises some red flags to me. Does she (or has she ever) acknowledged what she did to you and why you were estranged, or is it all "your" fault? What happens why you try to discuss your childhood and/or your past (if you've tried). Does she act innocent and injured that you'd even imply that she was a less-than-perfect mom? Or does she admit to her mistakes and seem genuinely remorseful? More importantly, do you trust that she really is sorry?

Besides those issues, there are a few other questions to consider: how important is your mom's presence in your life? Does she add happiness, or merely stress? Do you care what she thinks of you and/or what she says to and about you? If it turns out she hasn't changed, what will that do to your own emotional well-being?

Those are all questions I asked myself with my own mom. Like yours, she was bitter, angry, selfish, self-absorbed and mean as a snake. She was both physically and emotionally abusive my entire childhood. We had several periods of estrangement once I became an adult, peppered with periods of reconciliation. Like you, I'd start trusting that maybe this time things would be different, only to get hurt again when she'd do something mean or unbearably selfish.

My last straw came in 2001, when I went all-out to spend Mother's Day weekend with her, only to have her completely ignore my law school graduation the next week (seriously, she never mentioned or acknowledged it in any way). At that point, I was done. I decided that I simply wasn't going to put any more effort into our relationship. I didn't cut her off; I just stopped being willing to sacrifice on her behalf. Our relationship at that point (and for the rest of her life) would best be described as cool and guarded. We mostly got along, but I never trusted her. I would not ever have called the relationship fulfilling, but it was more or less painless.

My mom died last year, and there are days when I am sad that she's gone. Once in a while, I'll run across something she sent my kids or I'll sit at her piano, and I'll grieve that she never met her grandson. But to be honest, her absence has very little impact on my life. I know that sounds cold and callous, but I say it only to emphasize that for me, having no mom is really no worse than having a bad mother was.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard, I know. I'd say trust your instincts and do what you need to do to protect your heart. If your mom really has changed, it's up to her to prove it.

[garnetgirl]

Originally Posted by vludmilla

If she truly has a narcissistic personality, I think it is highly unlikely that she has changed without intensive therapy and effort on her part.

Originally Posted by DrSally

What is the change in her due to? Has she been through some therapy?

Definitely no therapy, either. I once offered to pay for joint sessions so we could talk about things, and she scoffed and said there was nothing wrong with her. She was also afraid I would try to get the therapist on my side and turn him/her against her. Uh, okay!

I am not at all sure what changed with her. I was afraid maybe she had a terminal illness, but that doesn't seem to be the case.