New question in post 8 Stupid BIL

[SnuggleBuggles]

My sister's husband really ticked off this mamma bear, on Mother's Day no less. BIL and sis have no children and that's a good thing. She is a great aunt. BIL has moments of being a good uncle but they are totally undone by his lack of ability to see the world with shades of gray- everything is clearly right or wrong and you stand no chance of changing his mind.

So, today we were at brunch with them and ds1 made a bad choice. A catastrophic, sociopathic choice? No. Did BIL act like ds1 did? Yes.

Brunch was over, check was paid, we were just about done talking. Ds1 had been sucking up ice cubes with his straw, like using the straw as a suction cup by sucking in his air. He got an ice cube picked up and released it into BIL's empty cup. Not a good, mannerly thing to do- that's a given. But BIL went off on ds1. "what the he$$?! Why would you do that???" then more lecturing. A WTF and move on would have been understandable but ds1 wasn't doing it to be a jerk and he got it. The irrate lecture was over the top. Ds1 loves this uncle and was really upset.

Know what I did? Kissed my mom goodbye, thanked my sis and scooped up the kids and left. If I stayed, I wouldn't have said anything good. Really, I get it, ds1 made a dumb choice. But, dude, your cup was empty and we were leaving! He didn't spit into your drink, like you said he did. Have some perspective - and tone down the dramatics. You made my kid cry and made my day far less good.

Eta- he's 43 so not some kid that might have a slightly more valid lack of kid skill set.

[TwinFoxes]

What a jerk. That wouldn't have been acceptable even if he had still been drinking out of it. Honestly I don't think it was worth him saying anything at all for an empty glass! I think standing up and leaving was the best way to not have your mother's day effected any more by that jerk.

[belovedgandp]

I think you handled it very well. They are kids and get bored and make poor choices in group eating situations. It happens. I remember making plenty of my own when out with my parents.

[elbenn]

That was really rude of your BIL. Your DS is a kid, and even if it wasn't great manners, since the cup was empty and you were leaving the restaurant, I don't even think it was that bad. A simple "don't do that again" would have sufficed.

[Still-in-Shock]

I feel so bad for your son. Kids love their uncles, and this probably shocked your son to the core. You can't fix your BIL, but you can prepare your son for the next time you all go out.

As an aside, this behavior has nothing to do with them not having children. We don't have children yet, and my husband is THE favorite uncle. When we show up, the kids are jumping all over him. If a kid misbehaves, he either laughs it off, or tells them not to do it again. That's typically what I see from uncles, married and single, with and without kids. Your BIL is a case unto himself!

[Ceepa]

You showed restraint in a way that I can't say I would have.

If your BIL was having a bad day he didn't need to attend lunch, taking it out on a child is terrible.

[Tondi G]

Wow... your BIL needs to lighten up. He is lucky he isn't my BIL cause he would've gotten an earful from me!

((HUGS)) and Happy Mothers Day.... forget him!

[SnuggleBuggles]

A question re. how to deal with this.

My sister called and apologized for her dh. My parents thought his behavior was appalling. So, everyone present is in agreement. My sister says she would understand if I kept him off the guest list for family events. Sister told me though that her dh truly believes he is right; if he'd seen ds cry he would have said, "too bad, he deserves it.". That wasn't confirmed, just her hunch based on his reaction to it all.

I really want to insist on an apology. I have a pretty tactful email written to him explaining that as the grown up sometimes you need to remember that kids make mistakes but they count on those they care about to still care about them regardless. Even if you feel like you are 100% right, an apology is a good course of action. Played the "ds thinks you're great and really would like to continue having a good relationship with you " card.

Do you think there is any reason not to send my request? I wrote it a day ago and haven't sent it b/c part of me thinks it just isn't worth it. I don't know what response I will get- I have no idea at all, really! It would simplify things for me that if he is a jerk then out he goes but is that really fair to the kids? Ds1 doesn't carry grudges like I do.

WWYD?

[niccig]

I wouldn't send it. BIL sound like a d$ck and everyone else, even your sister, is in agreement. D$cks like that won't come around and apologize as they're always 100% right, so it won't be much of an apology, it might actually make things worse with your DS.

I feel for your sister to have him as a DH.

[TwinFoxes]

Originally Posted by niccig

I wouldn't send it. BIL sound like a d$ck and everyone else, even your sister, is in agreement. D$cks like that won't come around and apologize as they're always 100% right, so it won't be much of an apology, it might actually make things worse with your DS.

I feel for your sister to have him as a DH.

100%