WWYD? A stranger's birthday party.

[punkrockmama]

So Peyton got invited to a birthday party for one of the little boys at his preschool. He doesn't really talk much about the other kids but when he does he only speaks of three boys and one girl in particular. He has *never* mentioned this kid's name once. I asked Peyton if he plays or does work with this boy and he looked at me kinda confused and said "noooo".

My feeling is to go because it would be his first offical birthday party for a school "friend". Also, I totally want to raise my kids with the mindset that you never miss an opportunity to party. :)

But, there is a small piece of me that's like "Why would you invite people you basically don't know to your party?" Did you invite the whole class? Are you just lookin' for a gift? Does your son really go on at home about how awesome his friend Peyton is and it wouldn't be the same w/o him?

Like I said, I *think* we're gonna go. I'm also thinking of giving him a $10 gc to Target in a card. Because I have no idea what this kid's in to, and I'd hate to give him something that never gets used. Is 10 bucks cheap?

Thoughts? Thanks!

[MamaMolly]

Could it be that the other kid considers your DS more of a friend than your DS considers him?
And like you said, it might be that they invited everyone in the class. God help that mama if so! She's got her work cut out for her. I doubt they did it for the gifts, it is such a PITA to get a party together. YKWIM?

I think a $10 gift card is plenty. It is what I'd spend especially for a kid I didn't know.

And just as an aside, I thought of you at Michael's today. There was a rockin' Animal sticker in the scrapbooking section. Totally made me smile!

Hugs!

[bubbaray]

The parents or maybe even the teacher are probably of the mind set that you either don't invite anyone from school or you invite the whole class. I think its hard to know what to do with preschoolers and parties b/c friendships change by the minute.

I doubt its a gift grab. Kids parties are waaaaaay more work than the gifts you receive are worth!

I'd probably not do a GC. JMHO. I'd buy something that your DS likes and then include the gift receipt. Little kids like to open wrapping paper and see a present, they don't really understand money/GCs so much, IMO.

ETA: maybe if you do a GC, include a favorite book too??

[overcome]

Hmm... I would tend to agree that probably the whole class was invited, or at least all the boys.

I also agree that I would give a gift with gift receipt instead of a gc. IMHO, $10 is totally fine for a gift amount.

Come to think of it, I would invite kids that I don't know from my dd class b/c she doesn't really have any regular playmates her own age since she is an only and all my friends babies are not babies anymore! But I digress...

Go and have fun :-)

[Alys the Cat]

We were just in the same situation. It's DS's first year in preschool, and he got invited to a party for a girl he's never mentioned before. I just assumed his whole class (16 kiddos) got an invite -- which turned out to be the case.

Anyway, we went. It was a good chance to meet the kids he *does* talk about -- and their folks, too. And DS had a blast.

Giftwise, it was easy enough. When I RSVPed, I just asked the mom what the birthday girl would like. She suggested a book, so I got one ("Cat Count" by Betsy Lewin. Love it!) along with a cute tee. Spent around $20 total, which is pretty standard here.

I say go for it. This will be the first of many. :)

[KBecks]

These are my best guesses, and I am not yet to the class b-day party stage, so take these with a grain of salt.

-- it's probably a larger party
-- the mom is probably social and so you can use it to meet other moms
-- if you are outgoing and feel like it, why not go?
-- $10 is not cheap, I think it's a very good number for a young kid

Hope it's fun! Report back :)

[Radosti]

OK, so I took the post a bit too close to heart. I just wrestled with the idea of inviting the whole class or just his three best friends to his b-day party on Sunday. It is extremely rude of me to just invite three kids, so I invited everyone. The kicker is that NOT ONE of the three best buddies are coming. But, quite a few other kids are, so wonderful, it's a party.

The part I bristled about was the "are they just looking for a gift". Huh??? Even an at home party involves entertainment that costs money. I booked The Little Gym (which is quite a bit per kid), so what I'm interested in is giving my son the feeling that he's the birthday boy and all his school and other friends and family are there to celebrate it with him.

The gift cost doesn't really matter, as long as people take an interest in something he likes. I hate getting clothing as gifts from strangers because they always assume 2T clothing is the right size... he's been in 3T for ages. But as long as it has wheels or tracks or wings or beeps, he's happy. A pack of hot wheels cars would be just as well received as anything else and that costs $5. In fact, that was his Hanukkah gift tonight and he loved it.

OK, sorry to jump down your throat. Didn't mean to. Just a touchy subject right now. I'm really glad I invited everyone in the class as I learned that kid's friendships get trumped by just about everything else. How sad. The important thing is that some parents understand the importance of building friendships for their kids and that's why they are coming even though my DS doesn't regularly play with their kids now. I appreciate the fact that I am not going to be stuck with a big, empty, expensive gym and a sad, lonely DS.

[punkrockmama]

Oh R, don't get upset or offended. I think you're great girl. Let me see here.....

I'm not saying I took the invite out of his hand and was like "What? Those gift grubbing so and so's". But there was a teeny part of me that was, how shall I say, well let's just invite everyone for a big party and lots of stuff. Because I really suprised he got invited. I think with kids it's more about including everyone rather than hauling in a big head count,right? That's what I'm getting from the replies. Navigating your kid's friendships and stuff is weird. I haven't yet had to plan a party for them outside of family so I have no idea what goes into it. I have no ideas of party rules for the short set. Does that make sense? Or did I just dig myself a deeper hole? :)


It's a good point that kids like to rip open a present in all it's gift wrapped glory (who dosen't?). The invitation was a Cars one. We're not into that here so I'll go to Target and pick up something along those lines with a gift receipt.

I am super outgoing. But to be frank, the whole school thing, meeting other parents, it kinda freaks me out. Not sure why, can't really articulate it, but they do. I've seen some major mommy judements amongst moms and I don't want any part of it. As much as I l.o.v.e. to make friends that can relate to having kids, I am intimated by some other moms. His school, all the moms roll up looking on point. I often drop him off in my pajamas,lol.

Thanks for schooling me guys! :)

And Molly---Animal stickers are AWESOME. I just love him. :)

[KBecks]

I am super outgoing. But to be frank, the whole school thing, meeting other parents, it kinda freaks me out. Not sure why, can't really articulate it, but they do. I've seen some major mommy judements amongst moms and I don't want any part of it. As much as I l.o.v.e. to make friends that can relate to having kids, I am intimated by some other moms. His school, all the moms roll up looking on point. I often drop him off in my pajamas,lol.


I know what you mean, and I'm not very outgoing. But if all the moms are there, there must be some nice moms, and it's probably better to get to know the families now before the kids all start dating and teasing and all that :) I hope it's a good time.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Go and have fun! It's a good chance for your ds to get to know the other kids better. Like others have said, it could be that the classmate feels your ds is more of a friend than your ds does OR they wanted to invite the whole class (obligation? wanted to get to know the other families? child's request?). I agree with the others about the gift card- don't. $10 is fine but spend it on a present.

Give the other parents a chance. Yeah, there may be a few judgemental parents (though I really haven't run into them, and I expected to!) but I bet the most are at least superficially nice. It's nice to have some acquaintances for you in your child's preschool. Believe, I bet there are other moms that show up in their PJs sometimes too. :) There is always bound to be at least one nice other mom.

Beth

[octmom]

My DS turned four at the end of October. He had been at a daycare from infancy until late August, had a week and a half false-start (long story) at one preschool, then started at his current preschool after Labor Day. Because we were late getting enrolled, he was on a wonky schedule and ended up being in a class with different kids some days of the week. In early October, space was available in the other preschool class (same age group) and he was able to move to that class five days a week and be on a consistent schedule. His birthday was juust a few weeks later and he is old enough to know about parties, having had a big one last year and attended many other kids' parties over the last couple of years. He really wanted a party and I didn't want him to miss out.

We struggled with deciding who to invite since DS had been through so many childcare/ preschool transitions in the two months before his birthday, but we ended up inviting his entire current class (on short notice, so about half of them came), a few friends in other classes at his preschool, and a few friends from his old daycare. I stuck a note in with the invitations to the current classmates letting parents know that DS had just started in the class a few weeks earlier, apologizing for the late notice, and saying that we looked forward to getting to meet DS's new classmates and their parents. Even those parents who sent their regrets were really nice and seemed to appreciate the gesture.

It definitely was not about the presents. We had the party at an indoor playground and it certainly cost us more than the gifts were worth. IIRC, I think we had about 18-19 kids there, plus parents and, i nsome cases, little siblings. We didn't open gifts at the party (last year either), so that was not an emphasis for DS. To be honest, DS didn't even care about the gifts very much when we opened them at home later. He just kept talking about the party itself, what they did, and how much fun it was that so-and-so was there. We also make a point of having DS thank each guest for coming as they leave and thank them again for coming in the thank you note (which I really write, of course).

I guess I can understand why the invitation struck you as odd, but my guess is that the parents just wasnted to be inclusive. As others have mentioned, preschool friendships often change day-to-day. At least that has been my experience.

I hope you guys have fun and that you find at least one other laid-back momma there! ;)

[emmiem]

If your son doesn't really consider him a friend, I wouldn't go to the party. There will be plenty of other opportunites.
Michele

[Radosti]

Yeah, don't be intimidated. They did go for the "include everyone" party and that's the way it should be done. Inviting certain kids and leaving others out makes for a good way to teach kids about being popular or not early on. It seems like everyone in my daycare so far has been of that opinion and that's the way it should be.

My neighborhood is full of that exclusionary behavior among the little girls (the neighborhood is full of little girls) and the fact that the parents teach that and allow it to go on is outrageous to me. My good friend and neighbor has a 10 year old girl, a 7 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. They believe in the "invite everyone" philosophy. The 7 year old had a wonderful party. A little over a month later, the neighbors a few doors down had a party for their 7 year old and they specifically excluded my friend's daughter. My friend was walking her 2 year old around the neighborhood when she saw the party getting under way. The father ran out and apologized for not inviting her 7 year old because "his daughter wants to keep certain friends from interacting together". My friend's daughter was bawling when my friend got home. They packed everyone in the car and went to the movies right away. But what a nasty lesson to teach a kid - it's ok to hurt other kids feelings by excluding them???

My son is in daycare all week and doesn't really interact with anyone from the neighborhood but my friend's son. So, he's invited to the party on Sunday. I want to keep him out of the neighborhood politics if I can.

And don't be intimidated by other moms at daycare. They made an effort to invite your DS, that means that they don't believe in cliques and all that jazz. What may have been perceived as judgemental may just have been the fact that no-one knows each other on a personal level. And here's a good chance to get to know them.

[mommy111]

I completely agree with Radosti. I invited all the kids in my DD's preschool class to her birthday. It was a huge and exhausting effort for us, but we did it for the following reasons:
1. Wanted all the kids to feel happy and included and special
2. Wanted to stay away from the cliquish feel, DD is very popular amongst her classmates and I don't want her to use her popularity to exclude people, rather to learn to include people
3. Especially wanted the 1 kid my DD did NOT get along with to be there to emphasize to her and his parents that we valued the fact that their child was just as special as our own and we wanted to do everything possible on our end to encourage DD to be friends with him and to see him as a normal, special person, just someone she doesn't always see eye to eye with. Worked fabulously, they've gone from being sworn enemies to fast friends now and his mom (who I met for the first time at the party) and I often laugh at how much they hated each other to start out with.
4. Wanted to invite the kids who were not special friends of DD, because what an awesome opportunity to get to know these kids and their parents and make new friends!!!!

[s7714]

I agree with a PP that perhaps the other child considers your DS a friend, even if your DS doesn't return the thought. If you asked my DD who her friends at school are, she'd probably give you two names if you're lucky, but I can't tell you how many times a parent will come up to me and say "oh, my DS/DD is always talking about your daughter..." I've come to realize that my DD has a very "out of sight out of mind" mentality with the kids she plays with. Even if boy1 is her best friend on Monday, on Friday she may have forgotten his name because she's busy playing with girl2.

I've been trying to let DD go to all the parties she's invited to, because even if she doesn't know the person that well she's still usually getting to socialize with classmates she does really like at the parties.

And I think $10 is fine for a gift amount.