Question for those who don't celebrate Christmas

[JustMe]

This is sort of a spin-off from the anti-semitism thread, but I didn;t want to take away from that thread.

For those that do not celebrate Christmas, how do you respond when someone assumes that you do? I am interested in responses from those who are actually in this situation (don't celebrate Christmas).

There is the regular old being wished a Merry Christmas or, for example, during my recent car trouble a co-worker made a comment about how rough it was to have car trouble during Christmas time. I used to always respond "I'm Jewish and celebrate Chanukah", but more and more have been trying to just accept the well-wishes. However, I really do not like how I feel when I don't say anything, so I think I need to go back.

In addition to me, I really NEED to help dd deal with this. My experience was totally different growing up in NYC, where there was much more diversity and people knew better than to assume anything!

I am looking forward to seeing the poll results, as well as hearing others' are-there-doing-that experiences!

[emmiem]

It depends on if I want to really go into it. If it is just a store clerk or stranger, I let it go.
Michele

[knaidel]

It depends on if I want to really go into it. If it is just a store clerk or stranger, I let it go.
Michele

same here.

[Radosti]

Well, if it's just a random person on the street, I just thank them and wish them the same. If it's a coworker, I just say, "Thanks, but my holiday is already over." The neighbors were big on wishing me a merry christmas for the first 2 years, but this year they got the point. Especially, the ones who we've gotten to know. I usually give their kids Christmas gifts, so they made a point of giving DS a hanukkah present on the first night of hanukkah. I was very touched.

My IL's are all dense and obnoxious. So, they ignore Hanukkah and wrap our Christmas presents (given on Christmas day) in Hanukkah paper as a concession to me. In the previous years, I sent them all Hanukkah cards, last year it was a card of DS holding a giant dreidel (they are catholic), wrapped all their presents in Hanukkah paper and other silly stuff like that. But I've decided it's not worth the effort.

So, I still go out and get all their christmas gifts, in addition to the ones for the neighbors. I bought some winter wrapping paper. The cards are just Thomas frame ones with DS that say happy holidays inside. They all went out early enough to be hanukkah cards too. Oh well. I'm not going to change them.

I just have to be thankful that I have a loving Jewish family (the IL's aren't close to us), and amazing friends.

The animal rescue folks I deal with are all christian. If they know me well, they wish me a Happy Hanukkah. If I see them once a month when I give out donations (like the rabbit rescue), I just accept the well wishes and say same to you. The dog/cat shelter I donate to all the time is very grateful for the food/treats, and they know my name, but they don't ask any questions about me. At least they know my name now. I used to donate to them around $3K a year in food and supplies, but they just acted like I was a weird crazy lady who comes from PA (they are in NJ by my parents' house). I stopped for 2 years. When I went back to donate this year (in my Rocky's memory), I had a heart to heart with the new director and told her that if they treat me like I'm crazy, I will not donate for long. She assured me they had changed. And they have. They always look happy to see me and I bring about 600 lbs of dog food/treats twice a month, so they have a reason to be happy. They wish me happy holidays though, as they are in a heavily Jewish area, so they are used to diversity.

[ShanaMama]

I look pretty obviously Jewish ( I do the long sleeves, long skirt & wig) so I don't get many Christmas wishes. The only ones to usually wish me Merry Christmas are cashiers, etc. that say the same thing to everyone. I am completely not offended, I just wish them Happy Holidays. I will teach my daugther to do the same.

[Piglet]

I just assume that I will in fact have a "merry" December 25th, so why not thank them :) Sort of like wishing someone a happy birthday - hopefully they will be happy that day. There are VERY few Jews here so there is no way for clerks to be expected to get that not everyone does Christmas. My good friend is also an obviously religious Jew - wig, skirt, long sleeves, etc. She also gets the "merry" wishes. She grew up in Montreal and everyone in her neighbourhood knew who was who and it was understood that people didn't all celebrate Christmas. She was shocked when she came here, but that is just the type of place we live in. I am very appreciative when I am wished a Happy Hannukah, but I totally hate the generic "happy holidays". It rubs me the wrong way.

As for your concern with DD, I think the important thing is celebrating the holidays at home, creating a strong Jewish identity and just ignoring the stuff going on around you. DS2 is constantly bombarded with Christmas stuff because he goes to a non-Jewish daycare, but he knows exactly who he is and doesn't even flinch at questions about whether he is excited about Christmas. He knows that he celebrates Jewish holidays, eats kosher food, etc. He also points out Santa, trees and reindeer at the mall, but has zero interest in the whole thing. He might as well be pointing out birds, stars and flowers.

[sidmand]

I said I just accept them and don't say anything...I can't remember saying anything in a long time, but I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. I like to think most people are just wishing you a happy season. They don't realize you might not celebrate Christmas, so they're not meaning anything by it, so I just say thank you and move on. I try to always say "Happy Holidays" 'cause I figure there's some holiday in there to celebrate.

[anamika]

I don't bother trying to educate people about Hinduism (which is even more of a mystery than Judaism!).

[Aunt to sweet baby boy]

I look pretty obviously Jewish ( I do the long sleeves, long skirt & wig) so I don't get many Christmas wishes. The only ones to usually wish me Merry Christmas are cashiers, etc. that say the same thing to everyone. I am completely not offended, I just wish them Happy Holidays. I will teach my daugther to do the same.

I am the same, minus the wig at this point. I generally say "happy holidays" because it is holiday time and I love the spirit of the holidays and people being slightly nicer to each other. I wish it continued all year long!

[himom]

Sriniu-

Way off topic.....

Your sig made me laugh really hard. Thanks for adding happiness to my day!

Jodi

[g-mama]

I look pretty obviously Jewish ( I do the long sleeves, long skirt & wig) so I don't get many Christmas wishes.

I am clueless here, so forgive me in advance. I don't understand this statement. What is the long sleeve and long skirt and wig? Is that a certain "look" that says "Jewish?" I can't picture it and I'm so curious now! What kind of wig? Is it one that looks like a wig?

Again, forgive me, but this really has me thinking and I'm not getting it.

[Marisa6826]

I am clueless here, so forgive me in advance. I don't understand this statement. What is the long sleeve and long skirt and wig? Is that a certain "look" that says "Jewish?" I can't picture it and I'm so curious now! What kind of wig? Is it one that looks like a wig?

Again, forgive me, but this really has me thinking and I'm not getting it.

Kristen-

I don't think that Shana or Ilana saw your question, so I'll try to answer on their behalf. Conservative Jewish women wear long sleeves and long skirts in the name of "Tzniut" or modesty. Married conservative women wear wigs to cover their hair.

It can be further explained here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tzniut


And to answer your question about the wigs, most women that I've seen wearing wigs here in my area tend to have very attractive longer page boy bob-styled ones. Sometimes, they will have their hair tied up with snoods or scarves -- especially if the weather is cold, or inclement. Shana or Ilana, please forgive me if this is inaccurate or oversteps. Let me know and I will edit accordingly.
-m

[Piglet]

I will answer a bit, but full disclosure, I do not dress this way. I *should*, but I didn't grow up in a community that dressed this way and I am already a bit of an oddball around here (very few Jews and even fewer practicing ones). Maybe one day...

The standard outfit of religious Jewish women is long skirts (below the knee), long sleeved shirts and a head covering. Many religious groups have similar modest dress laws. The head covering is because hair is deemed attractive and is covered for all but your husband. There is no law against covering your hair with something nice, so many women own beautiful wigs that are virtually indiscernable from real hair.

If you ever wanted online modest shopping:

http://images.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.dailyjews.com/images/236_lubchansky.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.dailyjews.com/shopping/index.htm&h=150&w=205&sz=8&hl=en&start=6&um=1&tbnid=F0i-z3hsOx7r9M:&tbnh=77&tbnw=105&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmodest%2Bjewish%2Bwoman%26svnum%3D10% 26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DG

[lmintzer]

For me, it depends on the situation (who's asking and in what context). In passing, I typically won't "correct" anyone. I'll just say respond with "Happy Holidays," or "Thank you." If it's a context in which I might have an ongoing relationship with the person, I might say, "I actually celebrate Hanukkah" and then try to acknowledge other parts of their question (i.e., if they were asking if I finished my Christmas shopping, I might say, "I celebrate Hanukkah, but yes, I am finished shopping for my kids." Something to make them feel like I heard their question and am not just being defensive.

I grew up Jewish in a very non-Jewish suburb of Chicago, so I am very used to being a minority. It's only in my adult life that I've lived in more religiously mixed areas. It is kind of nice--refreshing--to not be the only one doing something different.

BTW, in my experience, it's Orthodox Jews who follow a dress code (women wearing long skirts, long-sleeves, and either a wig or a hat after getting married). My college roommate and good friend was Orthodox, and she followed those rules. Those I know who consider themselves "Conservative" or even "Traditional" (which is somewhere in between Conservative and Orthodox) don't observe any dress codes. There is some variation in how Orthodox Jews practice as well. It's not really that clear cut.

[rachelh]

I am clueless here, so forgive me in advance. I don't understand this statement. What is the long sleeve and long skirt and wig? Is that a certain "look" that says "Jewish?" I can't picture it and I'm so curious now! What kind of wig? Is it one that looks like a wig?

Lisa did get it right - full disclosure and alll...Orthodox Jewish women do wear wigs and follow the traditional modesty laws (tzniut) while Conservative, Tradtional, etc. generally do not.

I bet now you are going to be doing double takes at everyones hair. ;)
Really if you didnt know, most of the time you would never be able to tell.

I never thought I would be "announcing" on this board that I wear a wig - alright...there...its out! That felt better. :0:

Rachel

[Piglet]

I never thought I would be "announcing" on this board that I wear a wig - alright...there...its out! That felt better. :0:

Rachel

LOL - I think that is as close to coming out of the closet as you're going to get on these boards (just kidding).

[nfowife]

There are very few Jews where we live, and most people we see out and about don't have the slightest idea what Jewish even means. So I just smile and say "Thanks, you too" 95% of the time. If it's someone I know (who doesn't already know we are Jewish, like someone I've recently met in my mom's club) then I usually say "Thanks, we celebrate Hanukkah". But I certainly don't get offended. I take the well-wishes in the spirit they were given, which is not to offend me :) .

[JustMe]

Okay, here is one of the situations that led me to post this thread

Last week, a mom from dd's gymnastics class hands me a present for dd. I have told her previously that we celebrate Chanukah not Christmas (not for any particular reason, it had just come up). She gave me the present while our dds were in class (parents sit and watch the class). I actually peeked through the wrapping paper to see what was in it during the class (we have different values..different ways that we raise our children..not necessarily religion related...there are things she buys for her dd that I would not let my dd play with.... so I wanted to see the present before dd), turns out the present was a red shirt that said "Watch out Santa, Grandma's coming". Now, my mom died before dd was born, my dad died a year a half ago and dd is senstive about all of this (I think I have told this woman that, but she obviously forgot, which is understandable). So, I thanked the mom for the present without saying anything else and when the class was over, the mom told my dd to go ahead and open the present. I told the mom we would open it at home. The mom pressed a little bit, but I insisted, while thanking her again and instructing dd to thank her, that I wanted dd to wait to open the present at home. When we got in the car I explained to dd that it was a Christmas shirt, that we would give it to someone who celebrated Christmas, and that dd didn't need it because we were in the middle of Chanukah (at the time) and she would be getting another present that night. Dd was fine with that.

I stongly believe that when someone gives you a present, you accept and say thank you (which is what I did), but at what point here would it be best if I did something to avoid future awkward situations or even be honest about what our family does and doesn't do? Sometimes I feel like I am being dishonest or misrepresenting myself/ my family in these situations.

[Piglet]

Whenever I have been faced with a similar situation (and that one is a real doozy, so I have no true experience with it), I would do one of 2 things - 1) do exactly what you did and try to minimze the awkwardness or 2) talk to the mom privately and explain that while you appreciate the thoughtfulness, the present was not something you could give to your DD. Imagine nothing to do with holidays, what if your DD was given a t-shirt with a totally age inappropriate slogan on it for her birthday? What would you do in such a situation? I think it is wonderful to accept every merry Christmas wish with good intent and thank the giver. This is not the case with a totally inappropriate gift, which would have been inappropriate even if you celebrated Christmas, given the recent passing of your parents (I am so sorry). I think it was pretty thoughtless on her behalf on many fronts, so I think you handled it very well!

[g-mama]

Thank you to those who explained to me about the conservative/traditional Jewish way of dressing. You learn something new every day. :) I don't know if I've seen that before or more likely, I just didn't notice.

[erosenst]

I voted "depends on the circumstances" and it does.

If it's someone I'll never see again, and they ask if I'm ready for Christmas, I just say "yes". (I am, assuming we have something to eat in the house, and maybe a movie to watch :)). Similarly, if it's a clerk at a store who wishes me a merry Christmas, I wish them the same.

However, if it's someone I know well, I'll either laugh and say "want to try that again", let it go, or some similar thing.

Now that Abby's of the age where people ask if she's told Santa what she wants, etc, we simply smile and say that we don't celebrate Christmas.

Emily

[KBecks]

....or, for example, during my recent car trouble a co-worker made a comment about how rough it was to have car trouble during Christmas time.

I wouldn't think it's a problem to talk about Christmas time in general, as the holidays kind of affect everybody even if you're not personally celebrating. I once said something to our babysitter like, I can't believe Christmas is next week (and I didn't know then she was Jewish) and she said something like, yeah, I think our school break starts X day.

[HIU8]

To be honest we are not around that many people who celebrate Christmas. DS goes to a Jewish preschool and I am a PT WAHM (my boss and all employees happen to also be Jewish). Also, our neighbors know we don't celebrate. They usually will say happy holidays to us and we acknowledge and say it back. Ditto with store clerks. I don't bother correcting them. DS hasn't really asked what they are saying yet. He is only aware of Santa, also, as a character in his cartoons.

When I was working out of the house, I would usually just let it slide and go on.

[StantonHyde]

Good grief!!! I cannot believe that mom gave your DD an obvious Christmas gift!!!!! I mean, there are things that might be marginal--I am sure I have wrapped Hanukkah gifts for coworkers in red tissue paper or something because that's all I had and I send cards that probably lean towards Christmas colors (but my Jewish friends know I live in an area where it is a little tougher to find Jewish holiday cards--don't get me started on my efforts to send Happy New Year cards at Rosh Hashannah). But to give a Santa shirt to a Jewish child is just beyond me.

[JustMe]

I wouldn't think it's a problem to talk about Christmas time in general, as the holidays kind of affect everybody even if you're not personally celebrating. I once said something to our babysitter like, I can't believe Christmas is next week (and I didn't know then she was Jewish) and she said something like, yeah, I think our school break starts X day.


Karen,

I wanted to respond to this since you quoted something I had said in your post. The particular comment WAS a problem for me because it assumed that things would be rough for me as I was having car troubles during Christmas. She wasn't just talking about herself or people in general, but referring to a situation I was in. Although I didn't say anything, it left me feeling like I misrepresented myself. It is not a particular problem for ME, and I was the person she is sympathizing with, that my car problems were around Christmas (no more than any other time at least). Next time I am in such a situation, I do plan on letting the person know I don't celebrate Christmas, so that they do not continue to make this assumption.

[JustMe]

Good grief!!! I cannot believe that mom gave your DD an obvious Christmas gift!!!!! I mean, there are things that might be marginal--I am sure I have wrapped Hanukkah gifts for coworkers in red tissue paper or something because that's all I had and I send cards that probably lean towards Christmas colors (but my Jewish friends know I live in an area where it is a little tougher to find Jewish holiday cards--don't get me started on my efforts to send Happy New Year cards at Rosh Hashannah). But to give a Santa shirt to a Jewish child is just beyond me.


Just to be fair to the mom, the only thing I can say is that I am not sure that she knows that Jewish people do not do Santa! I had told her we do Chanukah and not Christmas, though, but I do think this particular mom might not even have known what that entailed!

[StantonHyde]

I grew up in West Virginia and Idaho--I was not in school with a Jewish child until I was in 9th grade. And I knew that Jewish people do not celebrate Christmas or have Santa. Granted, I couldn't quite understand how that was possible :-) But I knew that not everybody celabrated Christmas.

I do agree with most posts, though, if you just assume that people are uninformed and that they mean well it is easier to get along and enjoy life. I live in an area where the starting assumption is that people are X religon and while I have made it a point to learn about social and religious customs related to that religion, I do find myself politely informing people, No, I'm not X. I even had a really good friend from high school send me two books over the years in an attempt to convert me. I just took it with the thoughts that were intended--she liked me and wanted me to find happiness in life.

[overcome]

the present was a red shirt that said "Watch out Santa, Grandma's coming".

This is OT but what in the world is that saying supposed to mean? I don't get it.

[KBecks]

Karen,

I wanted to respond to this since you quoted something I had said in your post. The particular comment WAS a problem for me because it assumed that things would be rough for me as I was having car troubles during Christmas. She wasn't just talking about herself or people in general, but referring to a situation I was in. Although I didn't say anything, it left me feeling like I misrepresented myself. It is not a particular problem for ME, and I was the person she is sympathizing with, that my car problems were around Christmas (no more than any other time at least). Next time I am in such a situation, I do plan on letting the person know I don't celebrate Christmas, so that they do not continue to make this assumption.

Oh, I think I understand. The first read I thought she was referring to the inconvenience of getting service during Christmas -- you know, like how it's near impossible to get a tow truck in a snowstorm when it's so busy, and isn't it a pain that the mall parking lot is so crowded, etc. etc. etc. and that's pain that EVERYONE feels, at least everyone who goes to the mall! But now that I'm thinking she was indicating that it's a pain because you wouldn't be able to get to your Christmas functions, it seems she was assuming you celebrate Christmas. I get it now.