Need some advice.

[almostsane]

I'll start by saying that I know a lot of people who refuse to give money for presents. It is not my favorite thing to do either, but if the family requests it, or if I know they want the money for a specific large purchase, I will just give cash. Okay, so here is the thing. DS has WAAAYYY to many toys. I have returned, sold in consignment, and donated to charity as much as I possibly can. I requested for his birthday that MIL, my stepmom and dad, and my mom just give money to go into his college savings. My mom gave a small gift for him to open and the rest was cash. MIL and stepmom/dad gave gifts! I thanked them and then two weeks later, returned the gifts for cash and deposited it into DS's account.

Fast forward to Dec. MIL asks what DS wants for Christmas. I give her the same spill about too many toys and clothes and request that she give cash. I have already mentioned not getting anything and she "just can't do that". I understand, but he is fine with a new book, $2.00 car, anything. Stepmom starts asking same thing and I say the same to her. Now, DS has already gotten gift from MIL and it was a bulldozer, that he has already gotten tired of, and a HUGE BAG of small things. I'm talking stuffed animals, bubbles, candy, chap stick...etc. WTF, do people not understand that I have to find a place to put this stuff? Stepmom calls to tell me that she has bought DS a HomeDepot workbench!!!:52: I just don't understand. What is the big deal with either just getting him a small toy and that is all or getting him a small toy and giving the rest in cash. He has no concept of price and would not care what he got.

Sorry this is so long, but I would really appreciate some input here.

[AngelaS]

Maybe your family feels like many BBBers that giving cash is tacky and they want to get him a small something. ;)

Perhaps in the future you could give some small gift ideas or ask for books, swimming lessons, a children's museum or zoo pass or something tangible that he would love. Or ask for consumable things like markers, fun paper, fingerpaints and so on, because then he could use them up and they wouldn't take up room in your house after Christmas.

[bubbaray]

Well, I guess I'm from a different school -- I think its kinda tacky to *ask* for cash. Lots of people do not like giving cash as a gift (I don't, neither does DH). Even if someone asks what to buy, IMO they don't want to hear "cash" (otherwise why would they ask what to buy -- they want to give something tangible). If you don't like what they give, ask for craft supplies and books next time.

If you don't have room for the toy, then try to insist that the giver keep whatever toys they buy your DS at THEIR place.

My girls are lucky to get any sort of gift from FIL/step-MIL. But thats a whole different bitch....

Bottom line, if you get a gift, accept it graciously, and say thank you. If you don't like the gift and there is a gift receipt, then return the gift and purchase one you like (the giver obviously thought about that if they included the return receipt). If no gift receipt, just keep the gift and say thanks. If you really don't want it and it offends you (for example, I wouldn't let my girls have a toy gun), donate it to charity.

ETcorrect typos.... argh

JMHO

[sidmand]

We're in the same boat. DH really wants people just to donate to DS's college fund. I told him he cannot ask people to do that. I compromised and said if they specifically ask what to get, he can mention that as one of the options though.

I think asking for museum passes or zoo passes is an awesome idea though. We have a place about 45 minutes away with a petting zoo, water park, apple picking and last year we asked my Dad for a membership. We were going to go anyway and we used that more than we would have used any toy. If you can think of something like that (and be very specific!), I think that might be a great compromise. People like giving gifts. They really don't like giving cash. When our nieces were little we did the same though (contributed to an education account), but now that they're old enough to know, we still contribute some, but we also give them a small gift so they have something to open.

But I'd say be very specific and find something that maybe you were going to get anyway, but that they could get for you instead. Arts and crafts supplies, zoo memberships, museum membership, a kid/toddler friendly magazine, etc.

[s7714]

My MIL is of a similar nature. She feels it's her obligation to spoil her grandchildren. Luckily it's gotten better since she retired and $ is more limited, but we still end up with a fair amount of stuff.

I don't even try asking for cash or college account deposits, because I know it's pointless. I make out very specific lists for her, but if she gets something we don't want I donate it without hesitation. Although that's getting harder as my DDs get older since they now remember what they received and wonder where it went. Some gifts I'll just flat out tell her that she'll have to keep it at her house because it's too noisy/large, etc.

IMO all you can do is provide a specific idea list and if she doesn't follow it there's not much you can do except smile, say thank you and then rid yourself of the item once she's gone. ;)

[niccig]

Oh I hear you. But in my case it's my mother. She's visiting for 5 weeks and I swear DS has had something to open every 3rd day, and then there's Christmas and Birthday presents still to open. My mother recently inherited some money and she's buying all the things she never could. I dropped her and my sister at the mall while I went to my volunteer job for 2 hours. I get back and they have bags of stuff for everyone. I have no idea where all of this will go. She won't listen when I say that's enough, she just says she never got the chance before. Previous visits DH and I have paid as they lose on the exchange rate. I really hope she gets out of this phase quickly.

[hallelujah]

I have a pretty good idea, seeing as how no one in your family seems to listen to your "please just give cash" idea. Let DS play with the Christmas gift until he tires of it. You can either a) sell the item on craigslist for a fairly good amount or b) put the item in your garage (if you have one) and bring it in after a week or 2 of DS not playing with it. I understand that you really don't have the room (trust me, I TOTALLY understand-Lego table, Thomas table, Little Tikes table and chairs, on top of all that-tons of toys!!) What toys I do not sell on craigslist, I put in our garage and bring out weeks later. The boys think it is Christmas every few weeks at our house. I know my answer doesn't really help with the whole wanting money issue. I would be thankful that they get your DS gifts. My 2 boys do not get gifts from MIL, FIL (because of their finances) and my wonderful dad gave the boys their Christmas gifts from last year on September of this year. Talk about late!!

[vludmilla]

I tend to agree with Melissa. I grew up being taught that is not proper to ask for cash for gifts. Of course, if someone very close asks what DC needs, I think it is okay to mention donations to the college fund as one possibility among many but I think you have to offer the option of actual, tangible gifts. Think of it this way...the giver might want to experience the enjoyment of seeing your DC open a present and be surprised/happy. The giver might also not want your DC to grow up thinking that they never bought them gifts since donations to a college fund are so abstract for kids and might not really be understood.
Anyway, I do understand the frustration of getting things you don't need/want. I always have an abundance of clothes for my DD from my BF's beautiful hand-me downs. I tell me close family that my DD really, really doesn't need any clothes but I still get lots of clothes. It is a real waste because sometimes she never even gets a chance to wear an outfit because she has so many.

[chlobo]

be glad you don't have my mother. She's insisting on 10 gifts per grandchild. Ridiculous.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree with Melissa and vludmilla on this. Sorry. It is annoying and I am grateful that the families have started listening to me about not wanting big toys or lots of stuff. My mom has started taking ds on fun outtings for a Christmas present and my ILs have bought memberships to places for us.

I think that the $ angle works better when the kid is older b/c you know that the kid probably will like to go shopping for themselves or can at least make the consious choice to spend or save how they see fit. I have no problem giving cash to my niece and nephew b/c they have so much fun shopping with their own money (just like I remember loving to get b-day checks growing up).

I like the idea of making the college fund an option along with other options that you would prefer. After that know you tried your best and hope that someone starts to listen.

GL!
Beth

[ShanaMama]

I feel your pain! I also have no room for more toys, and DD gets tired of new things after a couple of days anyway. My problem is my MIL. She really can't afford to buy gifts but is very generous. So she buys things at yard sales. That's great for the environment and all, but I don't necessarily want the things she chooses. I am perfectly happy with the very small wood kitchen I got DD. She thinks it's nothing, and wants to get me one of those huge plastic ones. Problem is I don't want a second hand kitchen & even if I did I have no place to put it! This goes on all year btw- there's no need for an excuse for a gift in her opinion. Oh well, you can't win!

[Drag0nflygirl]

What if you asked that they set up a college fund on there own? Then they could do whatever is comfortable for them. I know, fat chance, but it's worth a shot. Of course it would be better to have a lump sum growing in one account, but a second account is better than $100's of dollars worth of useless toys. Sometimes I swear (and hope) my mom is intent on sending Cara to school herself she mentions the account so much!

Nancy
DD Cara 10-25-05